It was better than nothing.
To resolve the guilt she tried to be frank with herself. She was a murderer when she got up, a murderer when she walked, a murderer whenever she was moving. It was only during the quiet times that she tried not to think of the new t.i.tle. With momentum behind her she could embrace her status: a murderer without a prison sentence, without a trial or a defense attorney, a secret and sure-footed murderer ranging beyond the confines of the penal colony. But when she was trying to get to sleep it was more difficult to reconcile. Doubts intruded. At first, before she knew she was a murderer, they had been doubts about her innocence. Now that those doubts were answered with the certainty of her guilt she thought she should be sure of everything. She should be past equivocation and bargains, now that she had embraced the murdering. Yet tensions still arose. It wasn"t enough, in the dark, to know your own sin. It wasn"t enough to admit it. There was still the silence that followed the admission.
When she felt restless in the night she got up from her bed, pulled on a fleece sweater and went down the hall, touching a switch to bring on the dim lights of the sconces. She went to the carnivore rooms usually; she found their open mouths in the dim light, their dark maws studded with the white teeth, and rubbed the points of canines with a finger. She slung her arms around the musty fur of their necks. There was something she should be learning from them, but she didn"t know what. The hawk was no more to blame than the rabbit, right? She"d done her own killing in the pa.s.sage of daily life, not because she wished to inflict pain. The cats and the wolves only did it for food: they looked cruel but they weren"t, she told herself. By contrast she looked innocuous and that was equally deceptive. She"d been greedy, she"d been selfish: maybe greed was her sin, or the variant of it that was l.u.s.t. She was irreligious but sin was a neat description: l.u.s.t, gluttony, avarice and pride. In the end all of the sins seemed the same to her, softer and harder forms of the same murder.
Once she accepted her own judgment, there was also the question of whether more sinning would make for still more murder. If she kept being a s.l.u.t, would someone die again? It was foolish to think so, but after all, she thought, she was a fool. If any sin was murder, she might have to start behaving.
They did their best to ignore Christmas. Casey went to a movie in a mall somewhere, maybe the Westside Pavilion-with a guy, Susan a.s.sumed, though it was left unsaid. Jim the lawyer had gone to Tahoe to be with his wife"s relatives and everyone else she knew was occupied celebrating, so Susan rented a couple of videos and picked up Indian food.
On New Year"s she made a resolution to be different, though she was still unsure. She had murdered once, so she would always be guilty. But that didn"t mean she had to be a serial killer.
She decided to tell Jim.
"So listen," she said, in bed.
"No."
"No what?"
"No, we"re not breaking up."
She propped herself up on an elbow, curious.
He"d grown on her. At first she"d thought he was average, and then, slipping sideways somehow, the fact arrived that she almost loved him. At any rate she liked him far too much. She saw him only once every few days, but she"d come to depend on it-the pleasant welcome of his face. She wondered in pa.s.sing if it was all about his skin and its sweet smell: his skin that reminded her of Hal"s, smooth and flawless.
He lay on his back now, eyes closed. Curiously at ease. There was a crescent scar near one eyebrow, a shallow nick.
"And how is that your call, Jim?"
He shrugged lightly, his shoulders barely moving.
"We"re not, is all."
Despite herself she was impressed.
"What if I said I don"t like you?"
"But you do."
"What if I said it was-I mean, better late than never-the fact that you"re married?"
"I"d say that fact was none of your business."
She turned and lay on her back beside him, gazing at the rings of light on the ceiling. One, two, three, the yellow circles intersecting with their invisible overlaps like a Venn diagram, the lamps on the nightstands, the floor lamp in the corner. They were on the ground floor for a change, in the small guest bedroom with the green Tiffany lamps. There were waterfowl around them. The waterfowl were an exception to her usual rule against s.e.x with stuffed animals watching. The ducks, the geese, the pink flamingo on its single leg bothered no one. They had beady little eyes but clearly no interest in looking.
"Of course it"s my business. Motherf.u.c.ker."
"Come on, sweetie," said Jim, and touched her briefly on the side of her leg with fingertips, not moving his arm. She liked how he expended no energy unless forced to. Male lions were like that, according to her uncle"s old encyclopedia. They slept all day in the sun and let the females do the hunting. "Let"s not argue."
"I want to be better," she said after a while.
"You"re good enough for me," said Jim, and turned his head slightly to rest his face against her shoulder.
"Obviously you set the bar low."
"Don"t jump to conclusions," he said quietly.
"There"s a third party," she said. "My new plan is not to be selfish."
"That part is my life. Let me worry."
A car pa.s.sed somewhere outside, light glancing. Of course it was his life, but if she let herself off this easy her resolution was meaningless.
"I don"t want those boundaries," she said abruptly, and sat up. Her robe was puddled on the floor beside the bed-she was still damp from the shower beforehand, she realized-and she leaned down to get it. "You don"t want to tell me, fine. It"s your business, I agree. But then I get to say if you stay or go."
She stood and threw the robe over her shoulders. She felt glad of its lightness, its shine in the lamplight. She could make a smooth exit.
But also her slippers were somewhere lost in the dark of the floor. In the big house she almost never went barefoot. Sharp things were lodged in the elaborate tilework of the hallways, old, permanent dirt blackened the soles of her feet even after the women came to clean. She widened her eyes, tried to look harder. There, on the mirror lake with the long yellow reeds like Easter-basket stuffing, a flip-flop lay between a duck"s feet, the other tumbled beside it.
He mumbled something. She couldn"t quite hear and turned back to him as she pulled the robe"s belt tight.
"Sorry?"
"No love," he said.
"No love?"
"She doesn"t love me."
His eyes were still closed. She saw his chest in the light, hairless and lightly muscled. She"d even come to like his stomach, even its small roll. In the quiet she thought of asking him if he was sure, if he was just saying that, if he was rationalizing. But something in the tone of his voice stopped her.
"No love at all. Not for years. Really, I promise you. She doesn"t give a s.h.i.t."
"Then why are you still together?"
"Susan," he said slowly, almost growling, and this pleased her. She remembered Fantasy Baseball and the way he"d said Susie, and how she had disliked him for it. She almost shivered. "Let"s not."
She considered for a few moments and lay down.
In the morning she woke up and found he was still there, for once. He seemed unworried by the novelty of the infraction. He got up and shuffled around the kitchen in a T-shirt, boxers and his unlaced dress shoes without socks.
"Those shoes look ridiculous," she said fondly.
"Next time I"ll bring the slippers and pipe," he said, but didn"t glance up at her. He was breaking eggs for an omelet.
They shared it on a single plate, sitting on either side of a wrought-iron table at the end of the pool. Above them were the branches of a weeping willow. Then they smoked two of his cigarettes and drank their black coffee. Their faces were in the willow"s shade, and she shivered and felt good.
He was consulting his watch-it was a weekday morning and he had to go to work-when T. came around the corner from the front of the house, followed by Casey.
Jim looked sidelong at Susan, squinting and crossing his legs. She had only the robe on, the robe and her flips, though her hair was brushed and she was clean. He was less so, half-dressed, his hair mussed, the boxers a dead giveaway. The situation was clear.
She watched Casey"s face as it neared.
"How awkward," she said.
Best to be brutally frank. Her daughter was.
"Chill out," said Casey mildly.
"Sorry for the intrusion," put in T. "I wanted to see the place."
She looked from Casey"s face to T."s as they came toward her alongside the pool. They were relaxed.
"I made him drive over here, actually," said Casey. "So you should blame me."
Susan recognized her own position, hers and Jim the lawyer"s, and at the same time she knew the position of Casey and T. It was the same, she was surprised to realize. She had thought so before, she recalled, but had never known.
She felt relief br.i.m.m.i.n.g in her. Relief.
"I called," said Casey, "but no one picked up."
She and Susan looked at each other, both of them in their chairs. Susan felt a beam between them, a generous current. Casey was happy, she realized, and this made her lighter in her bones, made her happier, she felt, than she had been for so long. Neither of them had been this happy before, at least not since the accident. Her daughter"s happiness was her own. She had forgotten it for a while.
Even if Casey was hurt by this in the end, she had to think next-and rapidly she was squeezed at the heart, narrowly constricted and wrenched by fear, then just as rapidly loosened-still it was better this way. Open again, after these years.
As she gazed at her girl in the wheelchair a cloud moved and the sun fell on Casey"s pale face, backlit her hair golden. In a trick of thought her daughter seemed young, eternal, all ages of herself that pa.s.sed in wonder before her mother"s eyes-when she played outside in the sun often, her hair turned lighter blond. Now once again it might look as it used to when she was a little girl, a little girl in a blue swimsuit on the beach with her parents. Susan was almost back there, years ago sitting on a dune, almost sitting on the sand with Hal beside her as Casey ran up to them from the water, stopped and shivered, hands clasped in front of her, grains of sand on her skin. Then she was off again, down to the waves, shivering and running as they watched her go, wet braids on her shoulders. How children shivered-with pa.s.sion, without reserve. They shivered with their whole bodies.
She loved them for it, the freedom of that shiver.
The scene retreated. She wondered idly if Jim would get up in front of Casey and T. and walk around in his boxers, whether the b.u.t.ton fly was undone and gaped open.
"If it"s no trouble," said T., "Casey can show me around."
"It"s no trouble," said Susan, and smiled at him.
She and Jim sat and watched them go around the house to the back, voices fading.
"If you want," said Jim, and cleared his throat, "I could come over for dinner."
She was confused for a second. A breeze lifted the branches around them and she thought Hal was here-not gone, then gone, still gone, gone still. Old, dead leaves from last fall were also stirred, moving along the pool"s deck. She felt so grateful: the turbulence of currents-the best of weather, the best of earth, a small whirlwind. Green branches wavered and jumped in the gusts over her shoulders and at her feet their leaf litter swirled and dove like swallows.
The air was warm. She was so lucky to exist.
And Hal, Hal would have done anything to see their baby happy like this again. He had, she thought, he had done anything-was he a saint after all? He had returned to earth. A sacrifice was made, the son came home, and now their daughter was happy.
She rose on a wave of love and grief-he had accomplished it, at the greatest possible cost. He had brought it all here, given it all to Casey.
Nonsense-sentimentality. Nothing but circ.u.mstance. Accident, manslaughter, or coincidence.
But for a fleeting second she thought she felt him in the marrow of her bones, the small hairs lifting on the backs of her arms before the tingle and the chill dissolved.
Molecules, molecules and atoms, sweet tiny points of being.
It was Jim across from her, inches beyond the table edge, and yet it could so easily not be.
5.
First she thought she"d have the housewarming catered, for ease and novelty. She"d never thrown a catered party and this occasion was ceremonial: an end, a start again. But then she decided to invite Steven and his son, who wanted to contest the will. She didn"t want to see them, of course; it was a purely diplomatic move, a hope that sociability would sway them. To that end she decided a caterer was out of the question: at the sight of such pretension, or at least such disposable income, the cousins might well descend upon her in fury.
So she called a cleaning crew to mop and vacuum and dust the mounts; she placed strategic vases of flowers. She enlisted Casey"s help with the groceries and they bought prepared foods in plastic trays, frozen appetizers in cardboard boxes from Costco. In the unlikely event that Steven and Tommy mistook the hummus and dips for gourmet fare, she planned to leave the empty containers, with price tags showing, piled on the kitchen counter. The slovenliness of the gesture would irritate her, but she was nervous enough for petty schemes. Would it make a difference to them? No doubt it would not: but it made a difference to her. She couldn"t help herself.
She invited a couple of women she liked from the old neighborhood and some teaching friends from way back. Casey invited friends of her own, some of whom were in chairs-the big house was finally equipped with ramps, rails and door retrofits-calculating that their presence might make the gathering more sympathetic. "That a.s.shole Steven," she said, as she watched Susan take a tray of small crab cakes out of the oven, "if he sees how you"re basically a halfway house for cripples here, how can he sue you then?"
"I think you overestimate Steven."
"Oh, and you know who else I invited?"
"Who? Oh no. Wait, don"t tell me," said Susan. "Sal."
But she was secretly pleased. Sal was her favorite of Casey"s ex-boyfriends because he was a spectacle; Sal could be counted on to misspeak and offend. There was the possibility he should be kept from the cousins, but on the other hand, not unlike them, he was a blunt instrument.
"Who else?"
"Nancy. Plus she"s bringing Addison, but he"s a walker. And then there"s Rosie. You remember her, the one at UCLA? With the MS?"
Susan looked across the island. There were no shadows under her daughter"s eyes anymore, no purple crescents. Her insomnia must be gone, she must be sleeping again . . . but the guests, she thought: the list was familiar. It was the guest list from Casey"s last dinner party, from the night before Hal flew out of the country. The last night they ever saw him. The last night anyone did, or at least anyone she knew, anyone here. Except T., of course, who had walked with him in the tropics, talked to him, sat with him in a shallow rowboat.
She would ask T. She had to. This flashed across her mind now though it had never flashed before, there had been no previous flash. She had these blind spots, since the death, these failures to inquire. She would ask him how it had been.
He had seen Hal long after she last saw him, had known that other Hal, whom she had only talked to by telephone. That man altered unknowably by his destination, a high arc toward disappearance, long gone from them and frozen in time before dying-somehow committed to that death, alone in the tropics. She saw him looking out to sea. She put him there, on a beach she"d never seen. He stood there eternally, looking to the horizon, one hand raised to shield his eyes from brightness. Sun on his face, wind-scalloped waves.
The white, white, white, white sand.
"And some others," Casey was saying. "But those are the only gimps. Four of us, in total. What can I say, I had to call in some favors so we could make a strong showing. You know: I don"t have an unlimited supply of wheelchair buddies. There"s no spigot. There"s just the ones from the support group, that"s it."
"Who else?" asked Susan, but she was distracted and forgot to listen.
Now she had an idea of tropical islands and death. She was in the grip of a memory, the gentle trade winds stirring the palm trees and then the stillness and the wavering heat. The stasis of an island in the middle of the sea. As a child she had gone to a cut-rate Caribbean resort on a family vacation; her parents ate jerked pork and drank frozen drinks, but all she did was snorkel all day long a few feet off the beach. She had a sunburn on her back in the shape of an X, her swimsuit straps. It was the island of St. Lucia.
She remembered the sound of thatch rustling on the palapas in the breeze that came off the water, that swept up her legs and arms and made her feel borne aloft. For years her most treasured memory had been of this feathery caress of the trade winds-a wistful memory that tried to capture the longing carried on that breeze. But now, she thought, the question was answered. Those pillowing winds whose touch had been a signal she would only receive long afterward, far in the future when the salt air of the ocean was gone. The smoothness of her skin gone too, the clearness of her eyes, the girlish hopes, who knew what they had been-to be unique, probably, beautiful or loved by ma.s.ses of humanity. No doubt some kind of yearning; all young girls did was yearn.