CHAPTER 3 (Part two)
Mahnu remembered her past and how the two young humans made such an important impact on her existence...
It was a couple of years after leaving the old hut and regaining her strength against her emotions, when she met the little girl around the year 680.
Mahnu was, at that time, still questioning herself and regretting all over again as she watched the silent small skirmishes from a far, the villagers growing, the corrupt and the greed that was happening all over Kralaide. Kings and Queens coming and going and the petty things that people did. The ones with the power not helping people but themselves.
The list, she thought, was too long to name everything. It doesn"t help that I can read thoughts and see and feel all the sufferings.
Mahnu had always thought that she has had a cruel fate and whoever had created her must have hated her. But upon meeting the girl, Mahnu could think otherwise, even though it was for a short duration.
The girl she had meet had lost her family and also didn"t speak at first. The girl thought that they had grown a small bond, as they had travelled together, but Mahnu had always kept a distance. The girl had blossomed to a degree that Mahnu was even envious. How can she be so happy with the circ.u.mstances? It didn"t even take her long to start talking again, whereas Mahnu was sure at that time, she wouldn"t ever speak again. Mahnu’s impression of the difference between her and the girl was quite magnificent, as it seemed like she forgave easily.
The little girl even had called Mahnu "Rose" and she had wanted to be called ‘Princess’, in which Mahnu never called her in person.
But Mahnu did call her "Princess" in her thoughts.
Mahnu had watched her actions. Princess had been the first human she had spent a decent amount of time with and sometimes she didn"t understand anything that Princess did or said at all.
The smallest of things had made Princess smile, for instance, a flower, a b.u.t.terfly and learning how to fish and it had seemed stupid to Mahnu. But one day, as she pulled a flower apart, she thought that maybe it didn"t interest her because she had existed for so long, that all the flowers looked the same.
She tried to remember what she had felt like to see a b.u.t.terfly for the first time. Had she been as entranced like Princess?
I guess I was, Mahnu had resigned to think.
The world had looked colourful and full of wonders, although she could only recall very little from the time when she was first created.
But why does the land look so bland now? She had wondered.
She had stopped herself, this girl was giving her questions in which she had no desire to have answered. If the world is bland, then that is how I"ll live.
Mahnu’s heart had closed again.
A few years after taking in Princess, Mahnu had saved her from being taken from some thugs. The girl was thankful and while Mahnu had treated her wounds, Princess had said that life is too short to be sad.
Life is short? Is that why humans act the way they do? Mahnu had thought it over in her mind and found herself accepting that to make a lot of sense.
I am sure that I would be different if I knew I would die one day, she had thought...A lot different.
That thought had saddened Mahnu, so many times already, she had tried to end her existence and here this little girl was, trying so desperately hard to live and be happy. The want to live was something she had not felt for a very long time.
Mahnu had wondered if that was why humans feel that it"s okay to murder another? Because they are just going to die one day anyway?
She had known humans did have a conscience, she felt it all the time. They worried and regretted just like she did, so if they had killed someone they would feel bad...right?
Then wouldn"t it be better just not to kill that person?
Using that reason that they are going to die anyway is a shallow excuse for killing someone else…Mahnu wondered if her opinion of that was too harsh for humans…But it was confusing to her why they still murdered each other.
No! She had thought, I know humans value their lives…but when it comes to other people’s lives they do tend to get rather thoughtless. There must be another reason!
But is there a valid reason at all?
Even if people had killed someone first? Doesn’t that just breed an endless cycle of hate through revenge?
I still can’t understand the idea of humans killing others at all, Mahnu had thought. Am I being closed minded because I don’t want them to suffer so that I can sleep? Is that what selfish desires do, close your mind on other possibilities?
Always, always, questions without answers.
Mahnu had sighed then, she had never actually asked any of the humans how they felt about killing other people. Is it even worth asking them, she questioned.
Mahnu had thoughts of a human’s death, to another prospect. Especially to how Princess acted.
Humans seemed to want things impatiently, as though tomorrow would never come. They feared being hurt and worried about not getting things done before dying. They don’t like being alone and have that natural want to be with someone and reproduce.
Mahnu had been opened to these new things and could understand humans just a tiny bit more.
Mahnu had silently wanted to ask Princess what it was that she had desired, seeking to fulfil it.
In which, after some time, the girl answered by herself and that was to grow old with a loved one and have a family.
After this, Mahnu kept the distance but attempted, through observation, to find a good young man for her. It wasn"t easy because Mahnu still refused to use her voice but she found someone good enough, in her opinion, and introduced them to one another through silent means.
Then the girl was gone…Married and had two kids.
Mahnu had returned a few times to see her from a far, refusing to admit that she had missed her. She had told herself that she was checking on the husband, to make sure she had chosen correctly and she had been relieved about her choice.
She had questioned love and wondered if it was that amazing? To live with someone for the rest of your human life?
Not me, she had thought, I"m immortal! A betrayer like me doesn"t deserve happiness and…I highly doubt anyone would stay with me for eternity. What could I possibly give someone? I can’t have children and with my unchanging look…It just sounds so unrealistic.
Travelling alone, near a hundred years after Princess had died, Mahnu had met a young boy with angry eyes full of malice. Hearing and feeling the continued thoughts of the boy, his parents were killed in front of him and they had protected him. Mahnu, this time, travelled behind him, whereas with Princess she had travelled alongside. Following the boy silently, which she knew he was heading for revenge, Mahnu left food and stood guard while he slept. Protecting more than nurturing. Mahnu saw the obvious difference between the happy, enduring girl to the angry, rage filled boy. Princess had seen a lot more of her surroundings, whereas the boy was focused on his one goal.
Mahnu had felt very strange when she found that she could understand the boy more than Princess…Was it because being alone and thinking about death was nothing new to her. But is that not normal? She had wondered. Was Princess the strange one, being about to live happily even through what she had endured…?
The boy had asked once what Mahnu was doing, saying he knew about the food and her staying close by. But Mahnu hadn’t spoken and stepped away out of the boy’s sight.
Why am I keeping a distance? she had asked herself. Is it because of the girl? Was I... lonely after she left me? That’s wrong, she didn’t leave me, I left her! And so, even if I am lonely, isn’t that what I deserve?
Questions must seize, she had thought, slamming the door shut to her heart once again.
The boys anger subsided as he had continued to see Mahnu"s sweet, unhindered gestures. They had stayed in an area longer, as he was questioning himself. Mahnu had understood him the most at that very moment and she knew that the boy was still getting ready to achieve his revenge, none the less.
The questions he asked himself where similar to her own. Why did it happen? Have I done something so terribly wrong? Did they deserve that kind of end? Did they have to die?
Mahnu had wanted to ask what he desired to do after he achieved it. Would his answer be like mine? She had wondered.
Before long the boy had stood at the known aggressor"s place and said, “I know your here, so come out.”
He said he was going to get revenge on his family and asked Mahnu if she was going to follow. Mahnu breathed out, closed her eyes and shook her head.
Not stopping him, and his purpose, Mahnu had felt useless to be unable to change it. Was there something else she could have done? There had been already so many regrets in her existence, she didn"t want to regret yet another thing.
The boy had gotten caught and Mahnu had continued to help him through the bars of his cell, dropping in blankets, water and food.
The boy grew slightly and had talked to Mahnu through the walls, "I know you didn"t want me to do it...But you didn"t stop me either. I was angry at you at first...But now, that they are going to end my life... I thought about it...You did try to stop me. All your actions till now... It was like you understood my revenge at the same time, so you didn"t follow me in. And for that, for the look I sometimes see in your eyes...I think you may have gone through even more then I have...Don"t feel bad that I didn"t listen to you. I made my choice and I had felt like I had nothing else to live for anyway..."
Silence came through the bars towards Mahnu, who was on the other side, and she had heard every word.
"Thank-You."
Just two words...And she was holding back tears, she put her hand over her mouth so that no noise would escape.
"Life was still worth living all this time, just because you had stayed by my side."
I did nothing to help you! Why are you thanking me!? Mahnu had screamed at him in her head. Why are you like this? Weren"t you angry? Didn"t you say that you had nothing to live for anyway? Don"t think you meant anything to me...Don"t...
"I"m positive that the next person you will try to help...You will save them."
His words had hurt her heart. He wanted her to help someone else again, after all this! Wasn"t he scared right now? Why was he thinking about her and someone that neither of them have met? Why does he think she would help anyone at all? Did humans get sentimental when they knew death was right in front of them? Mahnu had put her head in her hands, trying to come to terms with what he was saying to her.
The boy had not spoken any other words besides, "Thank you" after that.
The boy was beheaded a month later.
Finally, tears had streamed down Mahnu"s face as the young boy"s life had ended. His last words repeating through her, tearing her apart. His last wish just seemed so hard to overcome at that time.
What justice was this?
She felt herself getting angry for him. More questions had filled Mahnu"s heart. Human"s and their feelings! Getting close meant being hurt. Questioning their own loneliness and dying with regrets. It wasn"t fair! It"s a vicious cycle of humans killing other humans because of their loved ones.
That boy’s life would most likely travel the same path if time had been reversed to his birth.
Where is the hope for mankind to travel another path without revenge and find a peaceful life?!
...I can"t abolish this cycle, Mahnu had taken a deep breath in. The future had never looked so bleak.
She hadn’t even known his name. All she had known, was that he was gone and she had wished that she had stopped him because then he would have still been alive then.
Her tears had continued for hours or days, time had slipped by her. And she had tried to stop them so many times but couldn"t.
She hadn"t cried like that ever before in her entire existence and the feeling had totally overwhelmed her.
When she had become a betrayer, she had felt different to this. That time, it was more of a rage, an anger at both the G.o.d"s and Human"s. This time with the human boy, it was a sadness threatening her soul to break into little tiny pieces.
Did human"s feel this too? She had wondered, blurred eyed at the horizon. How can they live through all of this? These emotions fill you up and break you apart!
Mahnu had tried to control herself again and this time when the door to her heart was firmly shut, she had built a solid wall in front of it.
After the boy had died, Mahnu accepted loneliness, for then, she won"t get hurt.
Feeling the loss of those two young souls and how they inscribed themselves into my heart…Isn’t that why I’m afraid to be close to King Richard? She asked herself.
***
Mahnu, still following the King discreetly, was still torn whether to help, due to the continued rotation of the human suffering, or not to help because of her urge to get away from something that could potentially hurt her. Mahnu knew, also, that she was confused on some feelings with the King, but she wasn’t too sure what she was confused about.
It didn’t help when the King could also invoke memories like Princess and the young boy within her.
As Mahnu continued to watch the King from a far, she saw that the King got quite angry at her disappearance. The knights guarding him were quite astonished at his stubbornness but he, grudgingly, had continued the journey to Conrella.
The King"s thoughts only made her believe she had done the right thing in leaving. She was surprised on how much he thought of her. His longing engulfed her like big invisible hands over her entire body.
He seemed very curious about her.
She was surprised on how much he intended to make her talk. That he felt so strongly about it, she could believe the reason was that he dreamt of her talking to his descendant.
He seemed worried about her too, his thoughts leading to what she may have gone through and that he wanted to protect her. Which lead him to be confused because of how little interaction he’s had with her. That was something that Mahnu had to agree with as they don’t really know anything about each other.
Reaching the capital, Mahnu kept her eyes opened so that she could find uncomplicated ways to enter the palace, that was situated in the middle of the populated capital. She was glad that it was built higher, no doubt to remind people of who they were...But that made it easier for her to stay hidden. Guards roamed around the gates and inner palace but Mahnu seemed unfazed as she figured that she would use the rooftops and trees to get around.
At nights, Mahnu had let herself in on the King’s bed chamber, unseen. She sat quietly on the side of his room, in a chair, as he slept in her past.
It is a weird connection, she thought, I feel that I belong here, always constantly reminded of my past and feeling wanted by the King"s constant pleasant thoughts of me at the same time. This type of connection isn’t like Princess or the boy, it is different. I don’t know what to call it, she thought.