She worked on in a curious, almost dazed way, a dream of something sweet and irrevocable in her eyes. He represented so much to her. His voice brought up times and places that thrilled her like song. He was a.s.sociated with all that was sweetest and most carefree and most girlish in her life.
Ever since the boy had handed her that note she had been reliving those days. In the midst of her drudgery she stopped to dream-to let some picture come back into her mind. She was a student again at the seminary, and stood in the recitation room with suffocating beat of the heart. Will was waiting outside-waiting in a tremor like her own, to walk home with her under the maples.
Then she remembered the painfully sweet mixture of pride and fear with which she walked up the aisle of the little church behind him. Her pretty new gown rustled, the dim light of the church had something like romance in it, and he was so strong and handsome.
Her heart went out in a great silent cry to G.o.d-"Oh, let me be a girl again!"
She did not look forward to happiness. She hadn"t power to look forward at all.
As she worked, she heard the high, shrill voices of the old people as they bustled about and nagged at each other.
"Ma, where"s my specticles?"
"I ain"t seen y"r specticles."
"You have, too."
"I ain"t neither."
"You had "em this forenoon."
"Didn"t no such thing. Them was my own bra.s.s-bowed ones. You had yourn jest "fore goin" to dinner. If you"d put "em into a proper place you"d find "em again."
"I want"o know if I would," the old man snorted".
"Wal, you"d orter know."
"Oh, you"re awful smart, ain"t yeh? You never have no trouble, and use mine-do yeh?-an" lose "em so"t I can"t
"And if this is the thing that goes on when I"m here, it must be h.e.l.l when visitors are gone," thought Will.
"w.i.l.l.y, ain"t you goin" to meetin"?"
"No, not today. I want to visit a little with Agnes, then I"ve got to drive back to John"s."
"Wal, we must be goin". Don"t you leave them dishes f"t me to wash," she screamed at Agnes as she went out the door. "An" if we don"t get home by five, them caaves orter be fed."
As Agnes stood at the door to watch them drive away, Will studied her, a smothering ache in his heart as he saw how thin and bent and weary she was. In his soul he felt that she was a dying woman unless she had rest and tender care.
As she turned, she saw something in his face-a pity and an agony of self-accusation-that made her weak and white. She sank into a chair, putting her hand on her chest, as if she felt a failing of breath. Then the blood came back to her face, and her eyes filled with tears.
"Don"t-don"t look at me like that," she said in a whisper. His pity hurt her.
At sight of her sitting there pathetic, abashed, bewildered, like some gentle animal, Will"s throat contracted so that he could not speak. His voice came at last in one terrible cry-"Oh, Agnes! for G.o.d"s sake forgive me!" He knelt by her side and put his arm about her shoulders and kissed her bowed head. A curious numbness involved his whole body; his voice was husky, the tears burned in his eyes. His whole soul and body ached with his pity and remorseful, self-accusing wrath.
"It was all my fault. Lay it all to me. .. I am the one to bear it. . . .
Oh, I"ve dreamed a thousand times of sayin" this to you, Aggie! I thought if I could only see you again and ask your forgiveness, I"d-"
He ground his teeth together in his a.s.sault upon himself. "I threw my life away an" killed you-that"s what I did!"
He rose and raged up and down the room till he had mastered himself.
"What did you think I meant that day of the thrashing?" he said, turning suddenly. He spoke of it as if it were but a month or two past.
She lifted her head and looked at him in a slow way. She seemed to be remembering. The tears lay on her hollow cheeks.
"I thought you was ashamed of me. I didn"t know-why-"
He uttered a snarl of sell-disgust.
"You couldn"t know. n.o.body could tell what I meant. But why didn"t you write? I was ready to come back. I only wanted an excuse-only a line."
"How could I, Will-after your letter?"
He groaned and turned away.
"And Will, I-I got mad too. I couldn"t write."
"Oh, that letter-I can see every line of it! F"r G.o.d"s sake, don"t think of it again! But I didn"t think, even when I wrote that letter, that I"d find you where you are. I didn"t think, I hoped anyhow, Ed Kinney wouldn"t-"
She stopped him with a startled look in her great eyes. "Don"t talk about him-it ain"t right. I mean it don"t do any good. What could I do, after Father died? Mother and I. Besides, I waited three years to hear from you, Will."
He gave a strange, choking cry. It burst from his throat--that terrible thing, a man"s sob of agony. She went on, curiously calm now.
"Ed was good to me; and he offered a home, anyway, for Mother--"
"And all the time I was waiting for some line to break down my cussed pride, so I could write to you and explain. But you did go with Ed to the fair," he ended suddenly, seeking a morsel of justification for himself.
"Yes. But I waited an" waited; and I thought you was mad at me, and so when they came I-no, I didn"t really go with Ed. There was a wagonload of them."
"But I started," he explained, "but the wheel came off. I didn"t send word because I thought you"d feel sure I"d come. If you"d only trusted me a little more- No! it was all my fault. I acted like a crazy fool. I didn"t stop to reason about anything."
They sat in silence alter these explanations. The sound of the snapping wings of the gra.s.shoppers came through the~windows, and a locust high in a poplar sent down his ringing whir.
"It can"t be helped now, Will," Agnes said at last, her voice full of the woman"s resignation. "We"ve got to bear it."
Will straightened up. "Bear it?" He paused. "Yes, I s"pose so. If you hadn"t married Ed Kinney! Anybody but him. How did you do it?"
"Oh" I don"t know," she answered, wearily brushing her hair back from her eyes. "It seemed best when I did it-and it can"t be helped now." There was infinite, dull despair and resignation in her voice.
Will went over to the window. He thought how bright and handsome Ed used to be, and he felt after all that it was no wonder that she married him. Life pushes us into such things. Suddenly he turned, something resolute and imperious in his eyes and voice.
"It can be helped, Aggie," he said. "Now just listen to me. We"ve made an awful mistake. We"ve lost seven years o" life, but that"s no reason why we should waste the rest of it. Now hold on; don"t interrupt me just yet. I come back thinking just as much of you as ever. I ain"t going to say a word more about Ed; let the past stay past. I"m going to talk about the future."
She looked at him in a daze of wonder as he went on. "Now I"ve got some money, I"ve got a third interest in a ranch, and I"ve got a standing offer to go back on the Sante Fee road as conductor.
There is a team standing out there. I"d like to make another trip to Cedarville-with you-"
"Oh, Will, don"t!" she cried; "for pity"s sake don"t talk-"
"Wait!" he said imperiously. "Now look at it Here you are in h.e.l.l!
Caged up with two old crows picking the life out of you. They"ll kill you-I can see it; you"re being killed by inches. You can"t go anywhere, you can"t have anything. Life is just torture for you-"