I laugh and laugh, loving the way he eventually nudges me with his elbow. I get myself a bowl of crumble and give him another serving, then settle down next to him to watch Buffy.
I feel like I"m sixteen again, in my parents" bas.e.m.e.nt with the hottest guy in school. Only I"m on thousand-dollar sheets in a million-dollar bus, driving through Europe. And Gabriel is no teen boy.
His long, lean body sprawls across the bed in complete repose, and I have to ignore that fact or I"ll do something rash like slide my hand down his firm abdomen and slip it into his loose sweats.
By the time he reaches for the remote and turns off the TV, I"m a freaking mess. My mouth is dry, and my heart is trying to pound its way out of my chest.
"You can wash up first," he offers, subdued and not fully meeting my eyes.
If it weren"t for the fact that Gabriel is waiting his turn, I would dither in the bathroom for far longer. As it is, I scrub my face, brush my teeth, and put on the baggiest shirt and shorts I can find.
My face flames as I scurry under the covers, all awkward and b.u.mbling, sending a pillow to the floor in my clumsy attempt to haul the sheet up to my nose.
I wait in total silence for him to take his turn in the bathroom. And when he comes out, I can"t bring myself to watch him make his way to the bed. It"s too intimate, too real.
Gabriel is far more graceful in sliding into bed. I cringe, imagining that unlike me, he"s probably unaffected. Why should he be? He has made it clear I"m nothing more than a snuggle buddy. I probably rate somewhere between stuffed animal and oversized pillow.
The room plunges into darkness. I can hear myself breathing-too loud and too fast. I can hear him breathing-too steady and too controlled.
f.u.c.k. What was I thinking? I can"t do this.
The silence is so thick between us now that I"m suffocating in it.
Gabriel turns my way, and I immediately roll to my other side, facing away from him. It"s basic self-preservation. If we"re face to face right now, I don"t know what I"ll do. But I"m pretty sure it would end with me being utterly embarra.s.sed.
He doesn"t seem to mind. No, he moves closer. Gooseb.u.mps break out over my skin as his body comes into contact with mine. A heavy, muscular arm settles around my waist. And I forget to breathe.
What the h.e.l.l is wrong with me? I napped with him earlier, and I was fine. Well, not fine. I wanted to stay in his arms forever. But I wasn"t all out of sorts.
I wasn"t fighting a shiver the way I am now.
His warm breath caresses the top of my head. "Relax, Sophie."
I release a breath. "I"m trying."
His voice is a whisper in the dark. "Are you uncomfortable?"
Uncomfortable? His big hand gently presses my belly, taking in the soft swell, which really sucks, but the way he keeps his hold there makes me think he either doesn"t notice or likes what he feels. Wishful thinking.
And then there"s the fact that he"s so close. All I have to do is turn and I"ll be wrapped around him like paper on a present.
"No," I squeak out. "I"m good."
I can feel him nod. The bed creaks as he eases closer. And then I feel it.
Oh, f.u.c.king h.e.l.l. Just no. He can"t do this to me.
It"s big, it"s hard, and it"s nudging my a.s.s.
We both freeze. Well, Gabriel freezes. His d.i.c.k? It nudges me again, that blunt head pushing into the small of my back as if to say h.e.l.lo.
"Involuntary reaction," Gabriel says in a strangled voice. "Ignore it."
His hard-on says otherwise.
I swallow with difficulty. "Your hard d.i.c.k is poking me in the a.s.s. I can no more ignore it than if you slapped me in the face with it."
He stills, a sound gurgling in his throat. I"m about to apologize for being so crude, when he bursts out laughing.
Oh, how he laughs. He laughs with his whole body, shaking the bed as he flops onto his back and just laughs. The unfettered, deep, rolling laughter is so unlike his usual reserved self that I find myself grinning.
In the dim light, his body is little more than a silhouette, his teeth a flash of white across his face. He wipes his eyes as he giggles and snorts and laughs like a giddy boy. And I love every second of it.
Gabriel should always be like this, uninhibited and free. And if I have to suffer through his c.o.c.k prodding my a.s.s every night to get him there, I"m more than willing to make the sacrifice.
Gabriel
It"s been so long since I"ve full-out laughed that my abs are sore. Apparently laugh muscles aren"t the ones I work with my morning sit-ups. This ache feels different. Good and full, as if exhausting myself from laughing put something back in me that I"d lost. I rest my hand on my stomach and stare up at the ceiling, letting the sensation sink in.
At my side, Sophie flops her head back against the pillows, drawing my attention. She"s beaming at me as if I"ve made her night, and she"s so b.l.o.o.d.y gorgeous, my breath hitches.
This girl. I could lose myself over this girl. Who would have thought?
My smile fades as reality sets in, hard and uncomfortable. "Chatty girl, what are we doing?"
The light in her eyes dims. "What do you mean?"
"This." I gesture between us and sigh. "Me asking you to be my sleep partner. It was a mistake."
"What?" She comes up on her elbows, moving into the light slanting through the windows. "Why? What"s going on, sunshine?"
I hate the hurt that"s clouding her sweet face, but I"m doing us both a favor. I pinch the corners of my eyes to ward off an incoming headache. "Lack of sleep has addled my judgment. It was unfair to ask you sleep with me like a G.o.dd.a.m.n security blanket night after night."
"Gabriel-"
I can"t stand the soft almost-pity I hear in her voice, and I cut her off. "We"re adults, not children. Sleeping together every night will lead to expectations. Mistakes."
Silence looms. I don"t want to see her expression.
"I"m attracted to you," I blurt out. Heat swamps my cheeks as frustration claws at my gut.
Sophie swallows hard, and I risk a glance. Her eyes are wide and darting over me, but a smile is pulling at her lips. I hate that smile. It holds too much hope.
"Sophie, I have no capacity for relationships. I"ve never had one, never wanted one."
Her nose wrinkles. "That sounds lonely, if you ask me."
I"m beginning to agree.
"I"m too busy to be lonely." Also true. Months can pa.s.s in a blink, and I will not have noticed.
The bed creaks as she eases closer. The lemon-sweet scent of her surrounds me. I know how smooth her skin is and how soft her body feels. I hold myself still, refusing to grab hold.
Her face hovers above me.
Don"t do that. Don"t dangle in front of me like some carrot. I"m holding back by a thread here.
I pinch my eyes closed. Her delicate fingers touch my shoulder.
"Truth, Gabriel? I"m attracted to you too. But I think you know that."
Of course I know. That only makes the temptation sharper. It would be so easy to use her. Sophie deserves more.
"This job is my life and the entirety of my focus," I say. "This tour is long and tight-knit. I cannot worry about hurt feelings or regrets. And I cannot do casual with you, Sophie. You deserve much better."
Her voice is gentle and thoughtful. "I get that. I don"t want casual either. I"m through being someone"s fun time. I want more."
I"m proud of her for demanding better. I still can"t look at her. "Which is why I said it was stupid of me to ask you to do this."
She hums in agreement. And though I"ve cleared the air, I hate that sound. I don"t want her to leave. Lonely, cold, and sleepless nights loom ahead. I might not survive it. I"m more relaxed than I"ve been in over a year, and I haven"t yet had the pleasure of sleeping next to her.
"Thing is," she says. "I don"t want to go back to the other bus."
I turn to look at her sharply, my insides clenching.
She faces me without flinching. "I like it here with you. And maybe... Well, maybe I need you too. Maybe we need each other for whatever it is we have between us." A flush suffuses her rounded cheeks. "So maybe we don"t a.n.a.lyze it or expect things from each other. But let"s just...I don"t know...hang out."
"Hang out," I repeat like a stunned parrot.
"Yeah," she whispers with an encouraging smile. "Watch cheesy TV, eat desserts-"
"Dessert was really a one time thing-"
"It"s on the roster, bud. These hips don"t grow themselves."
"I wouldn"t want to be responsible for their demise," I murmur. No, don"t flirt. Don"t think of her spectacular a.r.s.e.
She waggles her brows. Which is adorable and ridiculous all in one. "And we cuddle."
I want those cuddles. I don"t f.u.c.king care if it makes me weak or foolish. I want them enough to ignore how much I"d love to roll over and sink deep into her body. For now, I can stand it. I think I can stand almost anything if I can get some rest and have her company.
"All right." My voice is rough, unsteady. I clear my throat. "Then I suppose there"s only one question left to ask."
The tension visibly flows out of her body with a breath, and she rests her head in her hand, looking me over with inquisitive eyes. "What"s that?"
"Do you prefer the left or right side of the bed?"
Chapter Twelve.
Gabriel
It isn"t difficult to track down Liberty Bell James. I simply go where Killian is, knowing she"ll in the vicinity. At the moment, it"s Charles Ehrmann Stadium in Nice, France--this week"s venue--where Kill John is conducting a sound check.
Liberty is in the center of the hall, comfortably lounging in one of the seats at the end of a row, and apparently playing a game of Candy Crush on her phone.
I lean against the seat in front of her. "A cable network contacted me this morning. They want to use "Reflecting Pool" for the start of one of their shows this season."
A soft flush runs over her cheeks. The woman isn"t fully comfortable with success, but she"s getting there. "That seems really...commercial."
No s.h.i.te. "Actually, a car company wants to use "Lemon Drop", too. I think we ought to say yes to both."