"And yet thou lovest him?"
"Though I were dying for his love it must be so."
"Why, my child, why? As far as I saw the young man he is good and gracious, of great promise, and like to be true-hearted."
"Good, and gracious, and true-hearted! Oh, yes! And would you have it that I should bring such a one as that to sorrow,--perhaps to disgrace?"
"Why to sorrow? Why to disgrace? Wouldst thou be more likely to disgrace a husband than one of those painted Jezebels who know no worship but that of their faded beauty? Thou hast not answered him, Marion?"
"No, father. He is to come on Friday for my answer."
"Think of it yet again, my child. Three days are no time for considering a matter of such moment. Bid him leave you for ten days further."
"I am ready now," said Marion.
"And yet thou lovest him! That is not true to nature, Marion. I would not bid thee take a man"s hand because he is rich and great if thou couldst not give him thy heart in return. I would not have thee break any law of G.o.d or man for the glitter of gold or tinsel of rank. But the good things of this world, if they be come by honestly, are good.
And the love of an honest man, if thou lovest him thyself in return, is not of the less worth because he stands high in wealth and in honour."
"Shall I think nothing of him, father?"
"Yea, verily; it will be thy duty to think of him, almost exclusively of him,--when thou shalt be his wife."
"Then, father, shall I never think of him."
"Wilt thou pay no heed to my words, so as to crave from him further time for thought?"
"Not a moment. Father, you must not be angry with your child for this. My own feelings tell me true. My own heart, and my own heart alone, can dictate to me what I shall say to him. There are reasons--"
"What reasons?"
"There are reasons why my mother"s daughter should not marry this man." Then there came a cloud across his brow, and he looked at her as though almost overcome by his anger. It seemed as though he strove to speak; but he sat for a while in silence. Then rising from his chair he left the room, and did not see her again that night.
This was on a Tuesday; on the Wednesday he did not speak to her on the subject. The Thursday was Christmas Day, and she went to church with Mrs. Roden. Nor did he on that day allude to the matter; but on the evening she made to him a little request. "To-morrow, father, is a holiday, is it not, in the City?"
"So they tell me. I hate such tom-fooleries. When I was young a man might be allowed to earn his bread on all lawful days of the week.
Now he is expected to spend the wages he cannot earn in drinking and shows."
"Father, you must leave me here alone after our dinner. He will come for his answer."
"And you will give it?"
"Certainly, father, certainly. Do not question me further, for it must be as I told you." Then he left her as he had done before; but he did not urge her with any repet.i.tion of his request.
This was what occurred between Marion and her father; but on the Wednesday she had gone to Mrs. Roden as she had promised, and there explained her purpose more fully than she had before been able to do.
"I have come, you see," she said, smiling. "I might have told you all at once, for I have changed nothing of my mind since first he spoke to me all so suddenly in the pa.s.sage down-stairs."
"Are you so sure of yourself?"
"Quite sure;--quite sure. Do you think I would hurt him?"
"No, no. You would not, I know, do so willingly."
"And yet I must hurt him a little. I hope it will hurt him just a little." Mrs. Roden stared at her. "Oh, if I could make him understand it all! If I could bid him be a man, so that it should wound him only for a short time."
"What wound!"
"Did you think that I could take him, I, the daughter of a City clerk, to go and sit in his halls, and shame him before all the world, because he had thought fit to make me his wife? Never!"
"Marion, Marion!"
"Because he has made a mistake which has honoured me, shall I mistake also, so as to dishonour him? Because he has not seen the distance, shall I be blind to it? He would have given himself up for me. Shall I not be able to make a sacrifice? To such a one as I am to sacrifice myself is all that I can do in the world."
"Is it such a sacrifice?"
"Could it be that I should not love him? When such a one comes, casting his pearls about, throwing sweet odours through the air, whispering words which are soft-sounding as music in the heavens, whispering them to me, casting them at me, turning on me the laughing glances of his young eyes, how could I help to love him? Do you remember when for a moment he knelt almost at my feet, and told me that I was his friend, and spoke to me of his hearth? Did you think that that did not move me?"
"So soon, my child;--so soon?"
"In a moment. Is it not so that it is done always?"
"Hearts are harder than that, Marion."
"Mine, I think, was so soft just then that the half of his sweet things would have ravished it from my bosom. But I feel for myself that there are two parts in me. Though the one can melt away, and pa.s.s altogether from my control, can gush like water that runs out and cannot be checked, the other has something in it of hard substance which can stand against blows, even from him."
"What is that something, Marion?"
"Nay, I cannot name it. I think it be another heart, of finer substance, or it may be it is woman"s pride, which will suffer all things rather than hurt the one it loves. I know myself. No words from him,--no desire to see his joy, as he would be joyful, if I told him that I could give him all he asks,--no longing for all his love could do for me, shall move me one t.i.ttle. He shall tell himself to his dying day that the Quaker girl, because she loved him, was true to his interests."
"My child;--my child!" said Mrs. Roden, taking Marion in her arms.
"Do you think that I do not know,--that I have forgotten? Was it nothing to me to see my--mother die, and her little ones? Do I not know that I am not, as others are, free to wed, not a lord like that, but even one of my own standing? Mrs. Roden, if I can live till my poor father shall have gone before me, so that he may not be left alone when the weakness of age shall have come upon him,--then,--then I shall be satisfied to follow them. No dream of loving had ever crossed my mind. He has come, and without my mind, the dream has been dreamed. I think that my lot will be happier so, than if I had pa.s.sed away without any feeling such as that I have now. Perhaps he will not marry till I am gone."
"Would that hurt you so sorely?"
"It ought not. It shall not. It will be well that he should marry, and I will not wish to cause him evil. He will have gone away, and I shall hardly know of it. Perhaps they will not tell me." Mrs. Roden could only embrace her, sobbing, wiping her eyes with piteousness.
"But I will not begrudge aught of the sacrifice," she continued.
"There is nothing, I think, sweeter than to deny oneself all things for love. What are our lessons for but to teach us that? Shall I not do unto him as it would be well for me that some such girl should do for my sake if I were such as he?"
"Oh, Marion, you have got the better part."
"And yet,--and yet--. I would that he should feel a little because he cannot have the toy that has pleased his eye. What was it that he saw in me, do you think?" As she asked the question she cheered up wonderfully.
"The beauty of your brow and eyes,--the softness of your woman"s voice."
"Nay, but I think it was my Quaker dress. His eye, perhaps, likes things all of a colour. I had, too, new gloves and a new frock when he saw me. How well I remember his coming,--how he would glance round at me till I hardly knew whether I was glad that he should observe me so much,--or offended at his persistence. I think that I was glad, though I told myself that he should not have glanced at me so often.
And then, when he asked us to go down to his house I did long,--I did long,--to win father"s consent to the journey. Had he not gone--"
"Do not think of it, Marion."