"So if you make the pictures, you hang with me."
But pictures were not required. It was published in the North American Review for February, 1901, as the opening article; after which the cyclone. Two storms moving in opposite directions produce a cyclone, and the storms immediately developed; one all for Mark Twain and his principles, the other all against him. Every paper in England and America commented on it editorially, with bitter denunciations or with eager praise, according to their lights and convictions.
At 14 West Tenth Street letters, newspaper clippings, doc.u.ments poured in by the bushel--laudations, vituperations, denunciations, vindications; no such tumult ever occurred in a peaceful literary home.
It was really as if he had thrown a great missile into the human hive, one-half of which regarded it as a ball of honey and the remainder as a cobblestone. Whatever other effect it may have had, it left no thinking person unawakened.
Clemens reveled in it. W. A. Rogers, in Harper"s Weekly, caricatured him as Tom Sawyer in a snow fort, a.s.sailed by the shower of s...o...b..a.l.l.s, "having the time of his life." Another artist, Fred Lewis, pictured him as Huck Finn with a gun.
The American Board was naturally disturbed. The Ament clipping which Clemens had used had been public property for more than a month--its authenticity never denied; but it was immediately denied now, and the cable kept hot with inquiries.
The Rev. Judson Smith, one of the board, took up the defense of Dr.
Ament, declaring him to be one who had suffered for the cause, and asked Mark Twain, whose "brilliant article," he said, "would produce an effect quite beyond the reach of plain argument," not to do an innocent man an injustice. Clemens in the same paper replied that such was not his intent, that Mr. Ament in his report had simply arraigned himself.
Then it suddenly developed that the cable report had "grossly exaggerated" the amount of Mr. Ament"s collections. Instead of thirteen times the indemnity it should have read "one and a third times" the indemnity; whereupon, in another open letter, the board demanded retraction and apology. Clemens would not fail to make the apology--at least he would explain. It was precisely the kind of thing that would appeal to him--the delicate moral difference between a demand thirteen times as great as it should be and a demand that was only one and a third times the correct amount. "To My Missionary Critics," in the North American Review for April (1901), was his formal and somewhat lengthy reply.
"I have no prejudice against apologies," he wrote. "I trust I shall never withhold one when it is due."
He then proceeded to make out his case categorically. Touching the exaggerated indemnity, he said:
To Dr. Smith the "thirteen-fold-extra" clearly stood for "theft and extortion," and he was right, distinctly right, indisputably right.
He manifestly thinks that when it got scaled away down to a mere "one-third" a little thing like that was some other than "theft and extortion." Why, only the board knows!
I will try to explain this difficult problem so that the board can get an idea of it. If a pauper owes me a dollar and I catch him unprotected and make him pay me fourteen dollars thirteen of it is "theft and extortion." If I make him pay only one dollar thirty-three and a third cents the thirty-three and a third cents are "theft and extortion," just the same.
I will put it in another way still simpler. If a man owes me one dog--any kind of a dog, the breed is of no consequence--and I--but let it go; the board would never understand it. It can"t understand these involved and difficult things.
He offered some further ill.u.s.trations, including the "Tale of a King and His Treasure" and another tale ent.i.tled "The Watermelons."
I have it now. Many years ago, when I was studying for the gallows, I had a dear comrade, a youth who was not in my line, but still a scrupulously good fellow though devious. He was preparing to qualify for a place on the board, for there was going to be a vacancy by superannuation in about five years. This was down South, in the slavery days. It was the nature of the negro then, as now, to steal watermelons. They stole three of the melons of an adoptive brother of mine, the only good ones he had. I suspected three of a neighbor"s negroes, but there was no proof, and, besides, the watermelons in those negroes" private patches were all green and small and not up to indemnity standard. But in the private patches of three other negroes there was a number of competent melons. I consulted with my comrade, the understudy of the board. He said that if I would approve his arrangements he would arrange. I said, "Consider me the board; I approve; arrange." So he took a gun and went and collected three large melons for my brother-on-the- halfsh.e.l.l, and one over. I was greatly pleased and asked:
"Who gets the extra one?"
"Widows and orphans."
"A good idea, too. Why didn"t you take thirteen?"
"It would have been wrong; a crime, in fact-theft and extortion."
"What is the one-third extra--the odd melon--the same?"
It caused him to reflect. But there was no result.
The justice of the peace was a stern man. On the trial he found fault with the scheme and required us to explain upon what we based our strange conduct--as he called it. The understudy said:
"On the custom of the n.i.g.g.e.rs. They all do it."--[The point had been made by the board that it was the Chinese custom to make the inhabitants of a village responsible for individual crimes; and custom, likewise, to collect a third in excess of the damage, such surplus having been applied to the support of widows and orphans of the slain converts.]
The justice forgot his dignity and descended to sarcasm.
"Custom of the n.i.g.g.e.rs! Are our morals so inadequate that we have to borrow of n.i.g.g.e.rs?"
Then he said to the jury: "Three melons were owing; they were collected from persons not proven to owe them: this is theft; they were collected by compulsion: this is extortion. A melon was added for the widows and orphans. It was owed by no one. It is another theft, another extortion. Return it whence it came, with the others. It is not permissible here to apply to any purpose goods dishonestly obtained; not even to the feeding of widows and orphans, for this would be to put a shame upon charity and dishonor it."
He said it in open court, before everybody, and to me it did not seem very kind.
It was in the midst of the tumult that Clemens, perhaps feeling the need of sacred melody, wrote to Andrew Carnegie:
DEAR SIR & FRIEND,--You seem to be in prosperity. Could you lend an admirer $1.50 to buy a hymn-book with? G.o.d will bless you. I feel it; I know it.
N. B.--If there should be other applications, this one not to count.
Yours, MARK.
P. S.-Don"t send the hymn-book; send the money; I want to make the selection myself.
Carnegie answered:
Nothing less than a two-dollar & a half hymn-book gilt will do for you. Your place in the choir (celestial) demands that & you shall have it.
There"s a new Gospel of Saint Mark in the North American which I like better than anything I"ve read for many a day.
I am willing to borrow a thousand dollars to distribute that sacred message in proper form, & if the author don"t object may I send that sum, when I can raise it, to the Anti-Imperialist League, Boston, to which I am a contributor, the only missionary work I am responsible for.
Just tell me you are willing & many thousands of the holy little missals will go forth. This inimitable satire is to become a cla.s.sic. I count among my privileges in life that I know you, the author.
Perhaps a few more of the letters invited by Mark Twain"s criticism of missionary work in China may still be of interest to the reader: Frederick T. Cook, of the Hospital Sat.u.r.day and Sunday a.s.sociation, wrote: "I hail you as the Voltaire of America. It is a n.o.ble distinction. G.o.d bless you and see that you weary not in well-doing in this n.o.blest, sublimest of crusades."
Ministers were by no means all against him. The a.s.sociate pastor of the Every-day Church, in Boston, sent this line: "I want to thank you for your matchless article in the current North American. It must make converts of well-nigh all who read it."
But a Boston school-teacher was angry. "I have been reading the North American," she wrote, "and I am filled with shame and remorse that I have dreamed of asking you to come to Boston to talk to the teachers."
On the outside of the envelope Clemens made this pencil note:
"Now, I suppose I offended that young lady by having an opinion of my own, instead of waiting and copying hers. I never thought. I suppose she must be as much as twenty-five, and probably the only patriot in the country."
A critic with a sense of humor asked: "Please excuse seeming impertinence, but were you ever adjudged insane? Be honest. How much money does the devil give you for arraigning Christianity and missionary causes?"
But there were more of the better sort. Edward S. Martin, in a grateful letter, said: "How gratifying it is to feel that we have a man among us who understands the rarity of the plain truth, and who delights to utter it, and has the gift of doing so without cant and with not too much seriousness."
Sir Hiram Maxim wrote: "I give you my candid opinion that what you have done is of very great value to the civilization of the world. There is no man living whose words carry greater weight than your own, as no one"s writings are so eagerly sought after by all cla.s.ses."
Clemens himself in his note-book set down this aphorism:
"Do right and you will be conspicuous."
CCXV. SUMMER AT "THE LAIR"