CHAPTER 9.
Cora
This Thursday-night girls" night was unlike any the three of us had ever spent together before. Ayden was propped up in the doorway of the bathroom off my bedroom alternating between texting on her phone and staring at me with concern. Shaw was sitting on the toilet practically bouncing up and down; her green eyes were huge in her pale face and I knew she was just dying to say something. I was sitting on the edge of the tub trying to decide if I wanted to scream, or throw up, or cry, or pull all my hair out, or just laugh. Maybe a combination of all of the above. What did I know about trying to raise another person? I had spent my entire childhood shuffling from one random adult to the next. I had no idea what being a full-time parent even looked like.
"Well?" Shaw just couldn"t stay quiet any longer.
The little white stick on the edge of the tub next to me stared back at me with two glaringly bright pink lines. Not that I was really surprised. I had been tired and moody for the last two weeks, and not just because Rome had pulled a disappearing act and wouldn"t return any of my calls. I was also queasy, and it was just my luck that forgoing Mr. Perfect was going to end up biting me in the a.s.s for the next eighteen years. I had really started to think he was worth the risk of letting that dream of someone steadfast and secure go, that I was tough enough to weather the storm that came with him, only now I was high and dry and looking back on my long-held dream of perfect and shaking my head.
Ayden snorted and walked farther into the room to pick the pregnancy test up from where it was resting next to me.
"Seriously? Look at her face. It"s totally positive."
Shaw let out a noise that was between a gasp and a squeal. I glared at her and she clasped her hands over her mouth. Her eyes were bright and shining at me from over the tops of her fingers and I wanted to smack her. Ayden leaned against the sink and frowned at me.
"So what"s the plan?"
I groaned and shoved my hands into my eye sockets. What was the plan?
"You mean besides never, ever having s.e.x again? I don"t have the first idea."
Having kids wasn"t something I ever really thought about. When I was with Jimmy I just figured it would be something that came up after we were married for a couple years and in a financially secure place. Now ... well, now, other than wanting to murder Rome and his stupid perfect face and body, I had no clue what the plan should be. But the funny thing was that from the second it even occurred to me that I might be pregnant, there was never a moment when I considered anything other than having this baby. The alternatives are definitely there-and maybe there was a time when I would have gone down that route-but the very idea of a baby inside me meant that this child was all mine and I was going to give it the best chance possible. And I would never let a child of mine feel unloved or unwanted. I would never let my kid feel lost in a sea of adults because I wasn"t able to give them a home. I just wished with everything inside of me I could say Rome felt the same way about parenthood. The fact of the matter was, I had no idea what he thought about anything right now because he wasn"t saying anything.
Shaw bit her bottom lip and said so softly I almost didn"t hear her, "You have to tell Rome."
I sighed and pushed my eyes even harder. Of course I had to tell Rome. Eventually.
Telling Rome was going to be a lot easier said than done since the big idiot wasn"t quite finished with his epic freak-out. I wasn"t exactly sure what had happened the other night; all I knew is that he had run from my bed like the sheets were on fire, he was shaking and the color of paste. That was ten days ago, and I hadn"t heard from him since. The first couple of days I called and called, sent text after text, and worried myself into a concerned lather. By the end of the week I was good and p.i.s.sed and clearly had more important things to worry about than Rome Archer because I was pretty sure I was carrying his baby. I had heard from Asa he was spending all his time at the Bar and that his venture into sobriety had taken a nosedive. Apparently he was back to drinking like a fish and grumbling and growling at anyone that got within breathing distance.
I had enough pride, and enough bad history, and a healthy dose of fear working inside me, that tracking his stubborn a.s.s down and making him talk to me wasn"t a workable option. I refused to be in yet another relationship where I was the only person invested in the outcome. I figured he knew where I worked and where I lived, so if he wanted to make things right, he knew where to find me. Admittedly I thought he would have come around a lot sooner, but now it looked like the choice was going to be taken out of my hands.
"I know that, Shaw."
She cleared her throat and shot a look between me and Ayden.
"He isn"t doing so hot right now. I don"t know what happened, he was starting to get back to his old self, starting to fall into some kind of pattern, and then, boom, he"s right back where he was when he came home from Afghanistan. I thought Dale was going to cry when he didn"t show up for brunch last Sunday."
I brushed hard hands through my short hair and rolled my eyes up to the ceiling.
"I don"t know either. Things were cool, I thought we had a pretty good thing going even though it was pretty brief. Then one night not so much. I can"t believe I was so stupid."
Ayden clicked her tongue at me and waved her finger back and forth in my face. "Stop beating yourself up. Jet and I had a near miss right before we broke up. Sometimes those boys just burn too hot and common sense goes right out the window."
Shaw nodded. "Yeah, if I wasn"t on the pill since like the dawn of time, Rule and I would"ve been in the same situation. You"re just human, and Rome can be pretty overwhelming."
All of it was overwhelming.
"f.u.c.k." That seemed to sum it up nicely.
Ayden laughed and reached down to pull me up to my feet.
"I think that"s what got you into trouble in the first place. Let"s go eat something."
I groaned but followed her out of the bathroom. "I don"t think I can eat."
I pulled her to a stop and grabbed her and Shaw both by the arm. "You guys can"t say anything. Rome doesn"t need to hear about this from Rule or Jet. I"ll talk to him when I"m good and ready."
Ayden just rolled her eyes but Shaw nodded gravely. "I can"t believe Rule is going to be an uncle. Margot and Dale are going to flip."
Well, c.r.a.p. That was a whole other headache I hadn"t considered. "My dad is going to kill me."
They both laughed at me and I went to throw myself on the couch. Even though we had technically only been seeing each other for a few weeks, I really thought there was something bigger working between Rome and me. I felt it in the way the air changed when we were together. He was vital, so much larger than life. I could still see the fracture in those blue eyes, see the things he was trying to work through, but I thought we were doing fine. Now I didn"t know what to think and there wasn"t enough history, enough time to know which way to go with it. On top of it, there was this added complication and my life was one big pile of no-fun at the moment. I never would have let him get to me had I known he was going to have such an easy time walking away. I was too guarded, too careful with my heart, for that.
Shaw came back from the kitchen and put a plate of pasta down in front of me. Ayden brought in a bottle of wine and I glared at her. She just shrugged and plopped down next to me.
"Make a doctor"s appointment in the morning, Cora. This is a big deal, and you need to take care of yourself. I"ll go with you if you want."
"Don"t worry, Cora, we"re here for you. Whatever you need." Shaw chimed in right on her heels, and I knew I couldn"t ask for better friends to get me through this initial period of shock that had settled around me.
What I needed was for this kid"s dad not to be such a complicated handful and not be so d.a.m.n s.e.xy. If he had just been an average guy, one of a million, I could have happily continued on my fruitless quest for Mr. Perfect and never taken the scenic route into forever, life-changing, and gloriously imperfect. Rome never made me feel like I was settling for less than I deserved, he made me feel like having a new dream, where he was the center of it, just made sense.
"I know you guys are. Rome might be a different story. That"s a lot to level at a guy already dealing with a full plate from the emotional baggage buffet."
Shaw narrowed her eyes at me. "Stop it. He"ll be fine. He needs some help, just like Margot did, but at his core, Rome is rock solid. He hates for anyone to see him weak, hates the idea that he isn"t the one holding the entire world up by himself. If I have to beat it into him, I promise you he will be fine."
I shook my head and let it flop back on the colorful couch cushions. Rome wasn"t solid, he was unhinged and wild. I think that was what drew me to him so irresistibly in the first place.
"I don"t want to be with a guy who feels like he has to be with me, Shaw. I don"t want to be with anyone that isn"t one hundred thousand percent as into me as I am into them. Not even if I"m pregnant with his kid. I"m not ending up on the other end of what I did with Jimmy ever again."
She made a face at me. "Rome isn"t Jimmy; he would never betray you like that."
"No, he"s not. I thought he was better, but I don"t have the option to let him walk out on me every time he"s having a tough time. That doesn"t work for me, especially not now." And I didn"t want to talk about how bad his sudden desertion made my heart hurt. That kind of pain was unfathomable when it came from something so fragile and new, not to mention it freaked me out that the loss of him felt more potent, more gaping, than walking away from Jimmy ever had.
"He"s worth the fight."
"Because he"s an Archer?" I didn"t mean to sound so snappy, but Rome and his issues weren"t my top concern anymore. They couldn"t be.
"No, because he"s a great guy that hasn"t had the easiest time of it lately. Don"t you remember telling me how broken, how robotic, Rule was after Remy died? Rome went through all of the same things, Cora, only he had to do it while fighting a war and watching his fellow soldiers die. Maybe he just needs someone that makes him see he deserves a break finally."
I didn"t want to fight with her about it, because I didn"t entirely disagree with her, but I also was the one left alone and in the dark after he disappeared into the night without a word, and that hurt. Maybe because I didn"t just hurt for me, but because I ached for him as well. The horror shining out of those blue eyes even in the dark and the despair stamped across those handsome features made my chest ache just thinking about it, but I couldn"t force him to let me in. And we couldn"t make anything work between us if he ran from me every time things got rough. I didn"t need him protecting me from him. I was more than capable of doing that all on my own.
"Just give me a couple days to get used to the idea that I"m growing another human being, and then maybe we can talk about what I am or am not going to do with big brother Archer."
Ayden nodded in agreement and gave Shaw a pointed look.
"That"s a good idea. Now, everybody calm down. Shaw, help me finish this wine. Just because Cora can"t have any doesn"t mean this shouldn"t be a proper girls" night." She wiggled her eyebrows up and down and leered at me in an exaggerated expression. "Plus Jet hasn"t been home on a Thursday in forever and I miss sloppy-drunk s.e.x."
That was enough to startle a laugh out of me and I tried my best to relax a fraction and enjoy the rest of the night with my friends. The future was such a huge, looming unknown and I refused to get sucked into it. I would be okay, whether that meant I forged on ahead alone, or I strong-armed Rome into getting his head out of his a.s.s. I was terrified, but kind of excited behind the wall of fear. It wasn"t something I would have ever planned for myself, not without a firmer grasp on what I was doing, but if anyone could take an unplanned pregnancy and possibility of single parenthood in stride, I guess it would be me. I knew firsthand what it was like to grow up without a mom, without a sense of home and well-planted roots. There was no way any child of mine would ever have to go through that. I would move heaven and earth to make sure of it.
By the end of the night I ended up putting Ayden to bed, without Jet. He was still out running around with Rowdy and Nash, but I was sure he would have no trouble figuring out how to get her up and going when he finally got home. Shaw left earlier; I think it was driving her crazy not to fire a million questions at me and at the same time sing Rome"s praises. She was a really good friend, but in this particular case she was caught between a rock and a hard place. If I hadn"t been the hard place and Rome hadn"t been the rock, I might have been inclined to work up a smidge of sympathy for her. As it was, I made her promise again not to say anything to Rule about the baby until I had it out with the older Archer. She readily agreed and left with a hug and a knowing look.
I knew all anybody wanted was for me to be happy, for Rome to find some kind of peace and balance. I just wasn"t sure those things went hand in hand anymore. I felt like if he got close enough to break my heart, the damage done would be as detrimental to him as it would be to me. I wasn"t sure any of it was worth the risk. Not with so much at stake.
Getting up the next morning was a little rough. Wrapping my head around the fact that I was no longer operating as an autonomous person was weird. I didn"t know the first thing about being pregnant or having a kid, so I figured I better start Googling stuff, like yesterday. I also called and made a doctor"s appointment and tried to figure out what on earth I was going to tell my dad. What I didn"t do was call Rome. I couldn"t think of a conversation I wanted to have less than that one.
When I got to work the guys were already there and doing their prep for the day. We all usually went in an hour before noon to get the shop up and running. The guys typically finished last-minute drawings and I called and reminded appointments for the day. This morning everyone seemed pretty sedate and I was glad Rule and Nash both acted totally normal. Clearly Shaw had kept her word and not said anything to her boyfriend. I was staring at my phone like maybe it would magically have all the answers I needed when it suddenly dinged with a new message. It made me jump, and when I saw Rome"s name at the top of the message box, my stomach lurched hard enough that I had to run to the bathroom before I hurled orange juice all over my fancy computer and desktop.
I stayed in the bathroom longer than necessary. I had to splash cold water on my face and take a minute to catch my breath. I couldn"t avoid him forever, and I really did want to know what he had to say for himself after the last few weeks of radio silence. I fluffed my hair up, put on some bright red lipstick, and felt like I had some kind of armor in place to deal with whatever that message might say.
Only, true to form, Rome liked to make things a million times harder than they had to be. When I came out of the bathroom I stumbled to a halt because Rome was standing in the waiting room of the shop and both Rule and Nash were all up in his face. Rule looked furious and Nash looked nervous. Rome looked like c.r.a.p, but he wasn"t saying a word as his brother screamed in his face and poked him in the chest with a tattooed finger.
"We told you to leave her alone. Could you listen? No! Like always you know better than everyone else, and now look! She"s been upset for the last two weeks, being meaner than normal, and now she"s so upset you made her sick."
Rule poked Rome so hard that this time the older Archer took a step back. None of them noticed me just yet, and I wasn"t sure the best way to interrupt without making a bigger mess of things.
Nash shook his head and pulled Rule back a step. "I told you to leave it alone, dude."
Rome cast those azure-blue eyes toward the floor and what little color was left in his face fled. He looked like he hadn"t slept in a month; his pallor was awful, the turn of his mouth harsh and concerning. All I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him everything would be all right.
"You don"t understand."
"No, I don"t. You threatened to kick my a.s.s all over the place if I was messing with Shaw. Well, you"re doing exactly that to Cora and it"s f.u.c.ked up."
Rome sucked in a breath and released it. I thought for a second he was going to turn around and leave, but just then he looked up and his eyes locked on mine. He blinked, once and then once again, and I could have sworn I saw some kind of shadow lift and clear, letting the dazzling sapphire light shine through.
"Rule, I"m not messing with anyone. Like I said, you just don"t get it, but I don"t owe you an explanation. Cora, however, I owe way more than that."
Rule swore again and Nash had to literally hold him in check. "You owe everyone an explanation, Rome. This s.h.i.t is tired and needs to stop. You can"t just keep hurting everyone because you"re unhappy."
Blue eyes clashed with blue eyes and I saw the fire light up in Rome. It was about to get real.
"You mean like you always did? Funny how you can be so sanctimonious now that you settled down with Shaw. Not too long ago she had to drag your hungover, booze-soaked, philandering carca.s.s to Mom and Dad"s because you had hurt feelings. Get out of my face, Rule. I don"t owe you s.h.i.t."
Okay, there was going to be a full-on Archer brawl if I didn"t stop this now.
"Rome." They finally turned their full attention to me. "What are you doing here?"
He looked unsure of how to answer, so I made my way to where the guys were standing and inserted myself in between them. I could feel the hostility blazing off of Rule and the remorse bleeding off of Rome. I didn"t want to drown or get sucked into any of it.
"Uh ... I was hoping I could talk to you real fast before you started work."
I sighed. "Well, I wanted to talk to you all last week and you ignored me."
"I know. I"m sorry."
"I"m sorry, too, because now I don"t know that I want to hear what you have to say. I"m not that hard to find, big guy."
He sighed. "I know."
We stared at each other for a long and silent moment until he finally dropped his eyes back to the floor. I felt Rule shift behind me and figured I better split the two of them up before I had to clean blood off the floor. I grabbed Rome by the arm and pulled him out the front door to the sidewalk in front of the shop. Rule shouted something ugly out the door after us, and I felt Rome tense.
"Stop it. One battle at a time."
He threw his hands up in the air in front of him. "That"s the problem, Cora. I"m so tired of fighting."
His eyes were burning so hot I felt like they were going to leave holes right through me.
"I"m fighting with my folks. I"m fighting with Rule. I"m fighting my vices. I"m fighting my fear of the future. I"m fighting my own G.o.dd.a.m.n head, and I"m just tired. I"m retired. I was supposed to be leaving all the fighting in the desert."
I wanted to comfort him, to tell him I understood, but there were bigger stakes here than just me and him.
"So what are you going to do about it?"
That was the key. He could keep fighting, keep battling everything alone until he just wore himself into a husk of a man, into a shadow of the person he once was, or he could ask for help. I didn"t realize I was holding my breath until he finally answered me.
"I got the name of a guy from Brite. He"s a retired shrink and a vet. He only takes guys on referral. I went to talk to him yesterday. He was a really nice guy."
I let out the breath and felt my heart rate settle into something less chaotic.
"I spent the entire hour and a half we talked telling him about you. About how s.h.i.tty I felt for bailing on you, how I thought something really awesome was starting between us, and how I blew it all to h.e.l.l by being a p.u.s.s.y."
He looked at me and I felt my heart turn over in my chest. The pleading in his gaze, the clear, naked longing for me to understand just a little part of what he was dealing with, really touched me. All I really wanted from a partner was honesty, and it didn"t get more honest than this.
"I don"t ever want anyone to see me like that, Cora. It rips me apart to live that s.h.i.t over and over again, and nothing, not even really great things, like you and me, makes it stop. It"s embarra.s.sing to be that exposed to someone else. I"m so sorry I didn"t handle it the right way."
"Rome." I wasn"t sure what I wanted to say, but I didn"t get the chance to anyway because he grabbed me by my upper arms and pulled me up on my toes so that we were eye to eye.
"Please, Cora." His voice was husky and so sad. "You are so much better for me than a bottle of vodka every night. I can"t be perfect for you, but I can be someone you rely on, someone you want to keep around even though it isn"t always going to be easy."
I put my hands on his broad shoulders and barked out a laugh. I laughed so hard I had to rest my forehead against his throat to catch my breath. I could feel his confusion in the way he tensed up and set me back down. I pulled away from him and crossed my arms over my chest. He would never know how much those simple words meant to me.
"I"m pregnant."
His eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and his mouth sagged open in a way that would have been comical had the situation not been so serious.
"I took an over-the-counter test last night, and it was as positive as positive could get."
"You ... I ... we ..." He trailed off and looked like he might pa.s.s out. "For real?"
"For real."