We stared at each other in mute silence for a full minute before she reached for the door handle. I couldn"t just let her leave without saying something about this morning, not that I had a clue what that should be.
"About this morning ..." She held up a hand before I could start.
"Just don"t." She shook her head. "It was what it was and let"s leave it at that. You"re ridiculously hot, but I don"t want to be alone forever and the kind of guy I"m looking for doesn"t come with all the questions and inner turmoil that seems to be eating you alive. I want someone steady, someone ready to settle down for the long haul, and ready to be all in with me. You aren"t even close to being in a place where you"re all in for yourself, let alone someone else. I get that you"ve been through a really hard time, have seen more than your fair share of awful things, but I need a guy living his life like tomorrow matters, not like it"s a curse. I"m sorry, Rome. My perfect guy has got to come already together and be good enough, no a.s.sembly required by me. I learned that lesson the hard way."
I barked out a laugh and leaned back in the seat. She looked at me in confusion and I nodded at her.
"You"re right. I"m broken. Half the time I don"t know if the stuff going on in my head is real or the memory of a memory. I just didn"t think it was so obvious." I wasn"t even going to touch on the "ridiculously hot" comment. She was right, I was in a million and one scattered pieces and there was probably more than one screw missing.
She shook her head and pushed open the door. "That"s not what I mean. You"re not happy and you"re not even trying to get there. Jeez, Rome, we have more military in this state than we do normal people. Go get help, go find someone to talk to. Let someone save you for once. I know your brother and the other people that love you would appreciate it."
And then she was gone just like that, like she hadn"t turned my world on its axis. Like she hadn"t been the best s.e.x I could remember ever having in my life. Like she hadn"t just dismantled all my parts and pieces and left them lying stripped and bare for the entire world to see. It made my head hurt even more.
The cell phone I had in my hand vibrated with a text, and I flinched when I noticed I had no less than ten missed calls. Everyone was checking up on me, making sure I hadn"t drunk myself to death, and my parents had called to see if I was coming for brunch. The answer to that was h.e.l.l no, the reasons more complicated, but the text was from Shaw and I didn"t want to be an a.s.s and ignore her.
Skipped family brunch. Want to get some food?
I could eat.
Rule is messing with the water heater. Bob Vila he is not. Just me and you?
I hadn"t been alone with Shaw since before she dropped the bombsh.e.l.l about not only her and Rule being a couple, but Remy being gay. I loved her like a sister, loved how good she was for my brother, but I still had some issues with her lying to us for so long. However, I had promised Rule I would get it on lock, so that"s what I was going to do and a greasy-a.s.s breakfast burrito sounded awesome right now.
Sure. The Denver Diner?
Gross. No, if you want diner food let"s go to Steuben"s.
Okay.
It"s uptown on 17th.
See you soon.
I had a cast-iron stomach and the Denver Diner would have been fine for me. Army food had come a long way over the years, but it still wasn"t great, though as long as it was hot, I could eat it. Uptown wasn"t terribly far from where the Victorian and the tattoo shop were anyway, so I had time to swing by and change before I met up with her. Nash was coming out as I was running in and he gave me a concerned look on his way to the Charger.
"You okay? You weren"t here this morning."
"I had a rough night. It"s all good."
He must have been in a hurry because he didn"t stop to give me the third degree. I doubted Cora wanted the guys to be privy to all the sordid details, so it was nice I didn"t have to chitchat with him in pa.s.sing.
I rushed through a shower and decided not to bother running a razor over my face. I felt like h.e.l.l, so I might as well look like it as well. I tossed on some jeans and a clean T-shirt. I slapped my sungla.s.ses on over my seriously bloodshot eyes and drove up to the restaurant. Shaw"s snazzy Porsche SUV was already in the parking lot and I was surprised that I actually felt a little nervous about seeing her one-on-one.
Shaw was a sweet girl. She didn"t have a malicious or mean bone in her tiny body. She was all gigantic heart and unconditional love, which was how she managed to get my idiot brother to act right most of the time. There was just something about those innocent green eyes that made you want to be her hero, made you want to be the best "you" possible around her, which made all the resentment and irritation I felt toward her so hard to swallow. Her blond head was easy to pick out of the crowd and the fact that she was as uneasy with meeting as I was showed on her pretty face.
She gave me a wan smile as I slid into the booth across from her, and I saw the concern flash across her eyes when I took my sungla.s.ses off and ordered coffee from the hovering waitress.
"You look awful."
"I feel awful."
She was fiddling with her silverware and I could tell she wanted to say something but was holding back.
"What, Shaw? Just say it."
She bit her bottom lip and wrinkled her nose up at me. "Rule is worried about you."
I snickered at her and nodded at the waitress when the coffee was set down in front of me. "Oh, how the tables have turned. I spent most of my life worrying about him."
It was true. I don"t know where the all-consuming need to be my brother"s keeper had come from, but it was as much a part of me as my sense of duty and honor was.
She frowned at me. "Excessive drinking, acting out, not talking to Margot and Dale, and pushing away everyone that cares about you: it"s like you"re purposely trying to make coming home as hard as it can possibly be. We all love you, Rome. Yes, we were all used to loving you when it was easy and took no effort, but we can all learn to love you in a different way now that it"s harder if you give us a chance."
I cleared my throat and waited for the hovering waitress to take our order before answering her.
"Look, I"m trying to settle into my life the way it is now. I"ve had a few hiccups here and there but I"ll figure it out. I"m sorry I was such a d.i.c.k to you. It"s hard looking at you and not seeing Remy and his lies, it"s hard seeing you and Rule as a unit. I"m not used to being on the outside looking in at my own family."
She hissed out a breath like I had smacked her. I saw the pain flash across that jade gaze and felt like a heel.
"It wasn"t my secret to tell. Remy lived his life the way he wanted on his terms. I didn"t agree with it, with the secrets and sneaking around, but it wasn"t my place to force the issue. He was happy, he was in love, and he didn"t need or want you and Rule to interfere, even if it would have been with good intentions. As for being with Rule ..." She met my gaze head-on and unflinchingly. "I"ve loved him forever and you knew it. I earned him, Rome. I earned the right to be happy with him and to make him happy. I won"t apologize for it, ever. I"m sorry the change is hard for you to adjust to."
The waitress chose that moment to put our plates down on the table. We stared at each other in a long silence for a moment before my pounding head and empty stomach couldn"t take it anymore.
"I"m just trying to figure it out, little girl. Everyone let Rule muddle his way to something great, why can"t I have a little leeway until I get there?"
She finally gave me a grin that lit her entire face up. I really did love this girl and missed having her in my life.
"Leeway I can do. The total freeze-out, angry giant you"ve been lately, I"ve had enough of."
"Captain No-Fun." She laughed and looked at me questioningly. "Cora calls me "Captain No-Fun.""
"She tends to call it like she sees it. I like that about her."
I scratched the stubble on my chin and tried to keep my face impa.s.sive. "She seems to be full of surprises."
She lifted her fork and pointed it at me. "How do you know? When have you ever hung out with her?"
Now, that wasn"t a question I wanted to touch with a ten-foot pole, so I decided to change the subject.
"Were the folks p.i.s.sed you canceled Sunday Funday?"
She blinked at me in surprise. "A little. It"s not that uncommon. Rule and your mom still have a rough time of it and sometimes he"s just not in the mood to go. They both try and I guess that"s all you can ask for, but it"s hard. They miss you. They ask about you all the time. Everyone is so happy you made it home in one piece."
This wasn"t a conversation I wanted to have either, but it seemed less torturous than talking about my morning with Cora or how well I did or didn"t know the blond dynamo.
"I came back in one piece physically, not so sure the same thing can be said for my head."
She frowned at me in concern as I pushed my now-empty plate away and picked up the coffee.
"What do you mean?"
I slumped back in the booth and twirled a finger around my temple like I was nuts. "My brain goes wonky. I see things that aren"t there, I can"t sleep so great, and I feel like people around me keep dying and there"s nothing I can do about it. I can"t figure out what I"m supposed to do with myself now that I"m not in the army, and it"s making me crazy. I don"t really recognize myself anymore."
She made a little noise in her throat and reached across the table to put her much smaller hand over my own where I had involuntarily curled it into a fist on the tabletop. I could say over and over again I was mad at my mom and dad for lying to me, for making Rule"s life miserable, but the truth of the matter was I didn"t know that I could handle them looking at me like they didn"t know who I was anymore. I was so far gone from the son, the soldier they had seen last time I was home, I didn"t know what it would do to me to have them look at me like I was a stranger.
"Rome." Shaw"s voice was soft and I couldn"t meet her gaze. If there was pity, sadness for me shining out of it, it would just kill me. I was so used to protecting her, to offering her advice and comfort, that the idea that she had to do it for me now slid under my skin like an icy splinter. "I"m looking right at you and see the guy that was always a wonderful brother, an amazing son, and the strongest, most self-aware guy I have ever known. You"re amazing and maybe you"re struggling right now, but seriously Rome, you"ve had to be strong for your entire life, haul around everyone else"s c.r.a.p, it"s okay to put it down for a minute and let the rest of us carry the burden."
I looked back up at her and had to gulp down the clog of emotion that rose in my throat. I couldn"t answer her, so I just gave her fingers a little squeeze to let her know the sentiment was welcome. My brother was one h.e.l.l of a lucky guy to have this amazing girl be so gone for him. I thought I was off the hook when I pulled out my wallet to pay for the bill but it was easy to forget that Shaw was smart as a whip and rarely forgot anything.
"So what did you mean before when you said Cora was full of surprises? I didn"t think you guys really knew each other that well."
I wanted to groan. "Nothing. I didn"t mean anything by it. She"s cute and says whatever she wants, she"s just surprising is all."
She arched an eyebrow. "You know we"re really close, right? And anything she doesn"t tell me, Ayden will."
d.a.m.n it, I forgot about the way girls were all so chatty and in each other"s business all the time.
"I got plowed last night."
"Obviously." Her dry tone surprised a laugh out of me.
"I gave the bartender my phone to call Rule to come get me but he called the shop and Cora answered. Since he was busy with the water heater and Nash was AWOL, she came and got me. She made sure I didn"t kill myself or anyone else. I just was surprised she cared enough to do it because I don"t think I"m her favorite person."
Shaw regarded me solemnly for a minute. I had to fight hard not to squirm like a guilty little kid.
"There"s more to her than meets the eye."
h.e.l.l yeah, there was but I wasn"t going to say anything about it.
"She was engaged a while back. The guy broke her heart and now she has all these delusions about meeting some picture-perfect guy and living happily ever after. She meddles in all our lives, doles out advice, and sticks her nose where it doesn"t belong time and time again, but won"t listen to any of us when we tell her she"s reaching for something that doesn"t exist. It just sucks because more often than not she"s right and we should have listened to her all along, so it"s no wonder she blows us off. Honestly I think she"s terrified of letting anyone close enough to break her heart again."
I shrugged and started to slide out of the booth. "Nothing wrong with reaching for the stars."
"There is when what"s available is only here in the ground level. I love Rule with everything I have, but he is far from perfect. Relationships are not tailor-made and people are flawed. You have to work around that and love the other person anyway. Our flaws are what make us unique, and while Rule might not be perfect, he is absolutely perfect for me."
I wrapped an arm around her neck and gave her a quick hug that had her squealing. Something warm and familiar settled in my chest when I felt her wrap her arms around me in a hug. I missed this and it was my own stupid fault.
"I missed you, little girl."
I felt her exhale against my chest and her hug tighten just a fraction. "I missed you, too, Rome. I"m so glad you"re back."
I wasn"t a hundred percent back, but for some reason my eyes felt more open, and I had a clearer view of what I had been missing lately. Shaw was right. I had always been a pretty steady guy, a reliable son, a steadfast older brother. I was still all those things but now I was other things that weren"t so pretty, were harder parts to accept. However, the people in my life that loved me would always love me even if they had to do it in a different way now, and that made me a lucky guy. I needed to stop taking things like that for granted and, just like Cora said, stop feeling guilty for being one of the lucky ones.
CHAPTER 7.
Cora
It had been a week since I let my inner s.l.u.t out. A solid week that I hadn"t thought of Jimmy and the upcoming wedding one single time, let alone done any Facebook stalking. It had also been a week that I walked on eggsh.e.l.ls waiting for the Terrible Trio to lay into me, to grill me about the overnight visit with big brother, but it never came. Apparently the idea that Rome and I could be anything but mortal enemies was laughable, and aside from the third degree I had to suffer from Ayden and some curious looks from Shaw, it wasn"t a big deal at all. Now, had they known that I let it go from babysitting a blacked-out drunk to something else entirely, that might have been a different story. It sucked because I couldn"t get the something else entirely out of my mind no matter what I did.
Rome had stopped at the shop once to drop off Nash"s cell when he forgot it at home and another time to ask Rule if he would come and help strip the floors at that dive bar he seemed to be spending all his time at. On both occasions he had been achingly polite and totally normal. There was no hint of anything inappropriate or even flirtatious. He acted like we had never been naked together, let alone screwed each other"s brains out, and it irked me to no end. Especially since every time I saw him I was reminded just how out-of-this-world hot he was. It wasn"t fair. Granted I had been the one to deny that the act meant anything other than scratching an itch, but it rubbed me the wrong way that he seemed so blase and unaffected by it. I responded by being even more flippant and sarcastic than normal. It didn"t seem to bother him at all.
I was at Cerberus after a particularly long day at the shop having drinks with everyone and waiting for Jet"s band to play. It was a typical Sat.u.r.day night except for the fact that instead of having fun with my friends, I was busy trying not to watch Rome and the chick in leather pants who was practically dry-humping him at the table. I knew it shouldn"t bother me, we weren"t even friends really, but it was taking every ounce of restraint I possessed, which wasn"t a lot to begin with, not only to keep from screaming at him, but to keep from murdering the chick with her own tacky necklace. To Rome"s credit, he didn"t look like he was interested in what the girl was throwing at him, but he sure as h.e.l.l wasn"t pushing her away either. I wanted to dump the pitcher of beer in front of me over both of them.
"What"s up, cranky pants?"
Rowdy"s amused voice broke through my dark musings and I tore my gaze away from Rome to look at him. Jet had dragged Ayden off backstage with him saying something about how she needed to see the bathroom here as well; Shaw and Rule were deep in conversation with Nash about Phil, n.o.body had seen or heard from the shop owner in over a week and everyone was concerned. Rome was busy with Catwoman, so that left me and Rowdy alone at the table. There were way worse drinking partners to have, but at the moment I didn"t need those perceptive ocean-blue eyes picking me apart.
"I"m not cranky, just tired. It was a long day."
He lifted a blond eyebrow and picked up his pint of Coors Light. "You"ve been off all week. Quiet. That"s not normal."
I just shrugged and hoped silence would make him drop it, but then the girl with Rome threw back her head and let out a loud laugh that had me biting down on my tongue to avoid creating a scene.
"There is no way he said anything that funny. I don"t even think he has a sense of humor." I was aware I sounded snarky and mean but I couldn"t seem to help it.
Rowdy stretched one of his arms out along the back of my chair and wrapped his fingers around the back of my neck. I sighed a little when he started to rub some of the tension out of the muscles.
"You wanna tell me what"s really going on or do you just want me to jump to my own conclusion, which is probably right anyway?"
I scowled at him and looked back at Rome and the leather-clad b.i.t.c.h. I couldn"t hold back the tiny snarl that formed when I saw her tuck her fingers under the edge of the leather belt he had on.
"It"s possible, I mean highly likely, that I think big brother Archer is a total babe."
Rowdy laughed. "No kidding."
I elbowed him in the side and rolled my eyes. "It"s also entirely possible that said babeness is hard to resist, and I may or may not have let his sleepover get out of hand."
The gentle rubbing stopped and he let out a low whistle. I looked up at him and frowned when I saw that he was frowning right back at me.
"What?"
"That"s just surprising and kind of messed up."
"Why? You guys do it all the time."
"Not with anyone the rest of us are related to. We like to get away clean."