"Why didn"t you ever tell me?"My heart felt as though it were breaking from a mixture of emotions. Relief that Julian hadn"t killed me in any of my lives. Happiness that Julian had never wanted me dead. Satisfaction that Julian had never wanted Mia more than me. Joy that Julian loved me.
But I felt anger also. How dare he hold all this inside? Why, when together we could have come up with something to get out of this mess?
"I didn"t know how to explain it."
Julian ran his hands through his wet hair. We"d turned off the shower and now sat on the wet tiles, soaked to the bone. Julian"s pants were clinging to his body in distracting ways. My towel was in a pathetically wet state, but as cold as I was, I didn"t dare move. I was afraid this would all turn out to be a dream.
"Julian… I don"t want us to keep things from each other. Not anymore."
He turned to look at me. The wrinkle between his brow was nearly gone, and it was as if a great weight had been lifted from him now that he"d shared his secret.
"...You"re right," he sighed. "You already proved I couldn"t do anything on my own in your past."
Though it was fading, my anger was still there, and I couldn"t help but want to tease him, just a little. "Clearly. What kind of idiot decides the best option to protect the woman he loves is treat her like s.h.i.t and fake having a mistress?"
Julian gave me a rueful smile. "An idiot like me. I would say you don"t understand how terrifying my family is, but I think you might understand more than anyone."
I wanted to make another joke, but decided not to. I nodded. "Sometimes I still remember what it felt like to have weights on my ankles."
"They dropped you in a river?" Julian"s eyes looked so sad in that moment. I wished I hadn"t said anything, but if I wanted Julian to be honest with me, I should be honest with him.
"Seven times." Before Julian could say something to console me, I continued. "None of them were as bad as the time I died choking on a churro though."
"You what?"
"I choked on a churro."
Julian"s mouth quirked a bit at the corners. "...I can"t tell if you"re serious."
"As far as ways to die, it"s definitely the worst way to go. Something so sugary and delicious, betraying you like that? You never forget." I pulled a mock distressed face.
My deaths were always very brief. I honestly didn"t remember much about them, but if I could joke about them, then either my mental state had deteriorated more than I"d realized or I was finally coming to terms with them. Either way, as long as I could make Julian smile, I could make as many jokes as he wanted.
"Am I bad person for not knowing whether to laugh or cry?"
I grinned at that. "No, you"re not. Honestly, some of my deaths are so absurd, you can"t help but laugh."
Julian"s face broke into a real smile briefly before he became somber again. "You can tell me about all of them. The good and the bad. I want to know it all. What I did to you. I can"t apologize if I don"t remember."
"It wasn"t all your fault, Julian. I forget the pain, and I"m here now."
He stared at me for a long moment.
"I"ve decided."
"Decided wh?"
Suddenly, he stood up and scooped me into his arms, lifting my legs out from under me. I let out a startled yelp, wrapping my arms around the back of his neck. I wanted to yell at him for startling me, but as I turned to look at him, I realized just how close his face was.
"I won"t let you suffer through another painful memory that you have to forget. We"ll figure it out together."
Heat began to rise rapidly in my cheeks. I was hyper-aware of Julian"s wet skin, just inches away from me. But more than just his physical closeness was the tone of his voice and his words. This was a promise, an oath, I could tell. The way he said those words sounded more sincere than even the "I do" he had spoken at our wedding. This was his new vow to me, without any lies or hidden feelings.
So much had changed in so little time. I"d told him about my repeating lives and he"d told me about his family. There were lots of things I didn"t understand yet, but… was it wrong for me to look forward to knowing more?
He had said in his story he was in love with me, but he hadn"t said "I love you". Somehow I was grateful for that, because I didn"t know how I could respond. We had so much more to figure out before we could honestly say those words. I knew I still loved him, but could I honestly say that to him without regrets? Could Julian say the same without any regrets? I didn"t know, but these words he spoke now had the same meaning.
I hugged his neck, burying my hot face against his skin. I could feel something had shifted since we had entered this bathroom together. We had finally started to be open with one another and faced each other.
"Can I hope for the future?" I whispered against his skin. I desperately tried to hold in the tears that were threatening to leak out.
I felt Julian"s arms tighten around me. "I will, even if you don"t."
The tears came fast and hot. I kept crying until I had fallen asleep in Julian"s arms.