He hesitated then walked out of the room. It wasn"t until the door closed that Lily let the hot torrents of grief course down her face. Frustrated, she punched the pillow with her fist and buried her face in it as the deep emotions stirred with no other outlet but through her long-lasting sobs.
Paige had sent her several links on drug addiction in infants. The statistics were grim. More than fifteen-hundred babies were born addicted to heroin, crack cocaine, and other drugs every year, approximately four babies a day born dependent on something through no fault of their own. The findings shocked and horrified her.
Adam fell in that statistic.
The images she saw on the internet and the reality of what Adam had to endure as a baby in the womb, innocently absorbing the nutrients laced with c.o.ke or whatever else his mother injected into her system had not been easy to absorb. Lily"s stomach bubbled like the sea boiling in a storm, wanting to heave the visions of the man she loved as a baby screaming, shaking with withdrawal pain.
Several times she had rushed out of the room to the nearest bathroom and relieved the disgust in her chest. Although physically sickened, she kept on and read all the information. She needed to familiarize herself with the side effects Adam experienced as a child. Easily irritated was one of them, and appeared to still be a work in progress. She loved him, a man she was still learning about. She loved him, with all his flaws and traits. She loved Adam Aquilani.
Through no choice of his own, he had suffered an addiction that came straight from what was meant to be the most perfect environment-his mother"s womb. Instead, Adam, and these other faultless babies born into the trauma of addiction were given a tragic start in life. And because addiction had an inherited component, pa.s.sing down from parent to child by way of genes, their baby without a choice, through no fault of theirs, had become a fallen heir.
She understood Adam. He was haunted by fear, by his past.
Still, to hear him admit he didn"t want to be a father was a terrible blow. She felt empty and joyless, like a sheet of white paper.
"You"re crying."
With her face buried on the pillow, she sniffled. "Go away."
His weight dropped onto the bed next to her. "I don"t like to be the reason for your tears."
"I"m crying because I"m an emotional wreck. My hormones are out of whack. Not because your words hurt me." She sniffled again. "Or because you admitted to what I always knew in my heart."
"What"s that?" His hand stroked her back. The touch made her inhale sharply.
She turned her face and peered at him through heavy lids, tears still tickling down her cheeks. "I trapped you. We are here because of a baby you don"t even want."
His eyes grew darker. His expression had all sorts of emotions. "I want the baby, Liliana."
"Don"t say things you don"t mean," she pleaded, her voice trembling.
"Had it been up to me, no, I would not have chosen to father a child. But I did." He removed his hand from her. "You and I have made a permanent mark and when I thought you could have miscarried, I was scared s.h.i.tless."
He expelled his breath in a slow, steady hiss. "Guillermo and I are related."
She watched him. He was opening to her again. The look on his face told her it wasn"t an easy thing for him to do, but the fact that he was doing it anyway pulled at her heartstrings.
"He"s my mother"s cousin. Claudio is his son. I found them when I lived in Brazil."
Lily brought herself to a sitting position and brushed the tear stains from her face. "You"re Brazilian?"
He smiled and shook his head. "I guess in a way, yes. My mother was Brazilian and my father was American. But I was born in Queens, New York with two junkies for parents." Disgust twisted his mouth into a sneer. "I learned Portuguese when I lived in Brazil. My parents, adoptive parents," he clarified, "insisted I learned about my Brazilian roots."
"You said was." She swallowed. "Both of your parents are...dead?"
He nodded. "I lived in h.e.l.l for eight years of my life. Due to the drugs in me, I was a fussy child, slow at developing and had difficulty processing things." Pain grated his voice. He raked a hand through his hair. "I got hit a lot."
Lily leaned into him, and gently caressed the scar on his left eyebrow. All the things she had in her life, peace, stability, loving parents and siblings. For eight years of his life, those things didn"t exist for Adam.
"That"s really from playing ftbol or soccer as it"s called here. But my nose was broken from a blow once."
Lily"s spirit quivered. "G.o.d, Adam...my heart hurts for you."
"After my parents" death, I became a part of the system. I moved from foster home to foster home. Some were nice, some not so much. And some," he shrugged. "Just weren"t equipped to deal with someone like me."
A solemn tear fell down her cheek. "I"m sorry you had to go through all of that."
"I was a handful. Very hyperactive." He chuckled. "I still struggle with that now." He admitted. "Hence all the crazy things I do."
She smiled. "I thought it was because you wanted to die."
He shook his head, scrubbed his face again then met her gaze. "Maybe I do deserve to die. But that"s not why. The racing and everything else help control everything else inside me. Actually, so do you, Liliana." His eyes darkened and grew more intense. "You bring me peace."
b.u.t.terflies went crazy low in her belly, and her heartbeat raged out of control. She remembered the first time he uttered those words to her. Lily had dismissed them as a result of mind-blowing s.e.x talk. Now she understood how heavy that admission was for him.
So many unspoken questions, but no mas. No more. They had time. Possibly a lifetime. She pressed her body against his bare chest, wrapped a hand around the nape of his neck and drew him into a hot, tongue-thrusting kiss.
"We can"t have s.e.x, Liliana," he said, disconnecting their lips.
Lily heard the torment in his voice. Just for confirmation, her fingertips traced the bulging muscles in his back. "What if we could?"
He groaned. "Then I"d be buried inside you already." His mouth took a hungry possession of hers. "And you"re not doing me any favors today."
She smiled and tightened her arms around his neck. "I"m very selfish, Adam. I love having you in my mouth."
"You can"t say things like that." He cupped her swollen b.r.e.a.s.t.s through her tank and molded them in his palm.
Lily moaned. "More," she begged, her lips trailing open-mouth kisses along his neck. "I want more."
Adam wrapped his fingers around her wrist, stopping her movement and gently pulled her away. He stood up, looked at her once more then walked over to stand by the window. "There"s more, Liliana. I want to tell you everything."
A fluttery, empty feeling sat in her stomach. Lily pressed her lips together and waited.
"My mother died of an overdose," he said over his shoulder. "She was shooting up with my father. He was her pimp."
A dark, sickening grief filled her heart. "Adam." She wanted to touch and comfort him but he was sending her that stay away vibe.
He turned to face her, across the room, their eyes locked. "That night I shot him. I killed him." He let out a tortured breath. "At the age of eight I shot and killed my father."
An involuntary gasp escaped her lips. Lily felt her heart trampled beneath her feet. Not out of shame or disgust, but love and pain.
"There." He exhaled, dark eyes continued to strip her soul. "I"ve laid down my armor, Liliana. If you want, come slay me."
Chapter Twenty-Two.
"When love is not madness, it is not love."
Pedro Caldern de la Barca For several seconds Lily sat silently, hunched over with a sense of loss so powerful that her muscles wouldn"t respond to commands. First her limbs went numb with absolute shock over Adam"s revelation, and then replaced by waves of pain. Her stomach churned over as grief swept through her system, enveloping her whole body, leaving her with nothing but physical pain.
The only time she"d ever shot at someone was during a game of paintball. Zander, her Navy SEAL brother, insisted that she learn how to fire a weapon for protection, took her to a shooting range. She"d felt the recoil of overwhelming force in her hands, the destruction that came from the other end of the gun. The evidence of its power, the sound, and the holes, fluff blasted and torn from dummy targets had left her shaken. She never applied for a permit, didn"t want one in her home.
Yet, here Adam stood before her, confessing to have pulled a trigger and to have taken a life, all at the tender age of eight. His innocence lost so early in his lifetime. She drew a deep, shaky breath. As more tears came, more thoughts of Adam going through the motion of life, like nightmares whirled through her head.
Her phone vibrated next to her on the bed. She swiped her face with the back of her hand, broke her connection with Adam and eyed the screen.
Lily, it"s me, Nate. Where R U?
This was Nate"s second text in two days. She failed to respond to the first one, not for any specific reason, only she had forgotten about it, about Nate. And right now was not the time. Not when the man she loved had opened up to her and laid himself bare.
Lily turned her attention back to Adam. He leaned on the wall, motionless by the window. His gaze was still on her, holding her prisoner. She looked him dead in the eyes. He was no longer unflappable. Fear, worry-emotions he kept bottled inside for so long-greeted her. He had chosen to break free from them because of her, their unborn child, and all the possibilities. His willingness to be vulnerable, to trust her with everything that made him the person he"d become, won her heart over a million times.
She was head over heels in love with Adam and all of his little things.
Permanently so.
Nothing could change that.
Her phone vibrated again. She made a mental promise to strangle Nate for choosing the most inappropriate time to be persistent. Picking up the phone, to type Go to h.e.l.l in all caps, she noticed Rafa"s name on the screen. Lily almost laughed at the absurdity of the situation. She needed to give Adam all of her attention, all of her, but her world had come crashing. She read the text from her brother Rafa.
Cmo estas? See you in two days.
How could she forget?
Her fingers expeditiously moved across the small keyboard and typed.
Can"t wait. Luv U.
Her response was pure sarcasm, except for the love part. As much of a pain in the a.s.s and all in her business her brothers were, she loved them. But Rafa was on to her. Lily pressed SEND and dropped the phone back on the bed.
She willed herself off the bed and closed the s.p.a.ce between Adam and herself. His eyes dropped to her. "I almost forgot my family will be here in two days."
"What do you want to do?" he asked in a dangerously low voice.
Puzzled, she frowned. "What do you mean?"
"About us." He signaled between their bodies. "What do you want to tell your family? The ball is in your court."
Lily glanced up and touched Adam"s face, and a muscle in his jaw ticked. "Do you expect me to walk away from you now?"
Silence dominated the room.
She captured his hand in hers and guided it to her chest. Lily closed her eyes so that she could feel him with her heart. "I carry you here." She opened her eyes. "I could never slay you."
His head tipped forward and pressed his forehead to hers. "Liliana." His voice was rough, ragged, leaving Lily intoxicated. His arms curved around her waist and pulled her into him. "You"re busy tonight," he said, his lips oh so close to hers.
She blinked. "I can be if we think outside the box."
Adam let out a chuckle, released her and dragged a hand through his hair. "Your phone."
"What about it?"
"Someone is trying to get your attention."
Oh. She had been so lost in his arms once again that nothing else mattered. Now that he mentioned it, Lily became aware of the buzzing sound on her bed and let out a sigh of frustration. Why was everyone choosing tonight to call her? The vibration of the phone settled in the room. Probably Rafa again or another one of her brothers in their own protective way reminding her they were coming to the island for Adam"s neck. Well, good luck with that.
"Ignore it," she urged.
The sound ceased but picked up again seconds later. Lily let out a long breath.
"Whoever is calling is pretty persistent. They must need you. Go." He gave her b.u.t.t a gentle nudge in the direction of the bed.
She leaned on the bed and swiped her finger on the phone. The screen lit up. To her surprise, Minka had called several times. Thinking back to last year when she reached out to her friend after finding out about Nate and his cheating ways, she picked up the phone and read the text.
I need my friend.
The desperation of the words made Lily"s heart thump. Oh G.o.d no. What could possibly be wrong? She glanced back at Adam. He was still standing at the same spot, looking a little less tense, but not relaxed either.
"What"s wrong?"
"It"s Minka." Her mind already racing to all the things that could be wrong. Of course, she was imagining things. They were only days away from the wedding. Jason loved Minka and vice versa. Still, in the year the two have been together, this was the first time Minka had reached out to her with such urgency. "If your friend f.u.c.ked up, I"m going to kick him in the nuts."
He smiled. "I think Keely already got that covered."
"I don"t mind contributing."
Adam walked over and pulled up to her. He brought his hand up to cup her face; his thumb ran along the curve of her cheekbone. Lily nestled into his hand, feeling his warmth seeping into her.
"Go to her. Sounds like she needs you," he breathed against her lips.
Torn between walking out on this moment they were sharing and going to her friend, she continued to look at him. Some things only happened once, and she sensed she may never get this again. "You and I." They had so much to talk about. "You need me too." She exhaled and pressed her face on his chest. "I don"t want to walk away from this. It may never happen again."
He gently pulled her away. "I"m not going anywhere. We can finish this conversation another time."
"You asked what we should do about my family."
He nodded.
"My parents will love you. My brothers, on the other hand, will probably try to hurt you."
He smiled. "I can handle them."
She nodded. "What about us? Will you let me love you?"