You may overdo anything, my darlings. You may overdo even hypocrisy. Ask Jonas!"
"You can"t overdo taking care of yourself," observed that hopeful gentleman with his mouth full.
"Do you hear that, my dears?" cried Anthony, quite enraptured. "Wisdom, wisdom! A good exception, Jonas. No. It"s not easy to overdo that."
"Except," whispered Mr Jonas to his favourite cousin, "except when one lives too long. Ha, ha! Tell the other one that--I say!"
"Good gracious me!" said Cherry, in a petulant manner. "You can tell her yourself, if you wish, can"t you?"
"She seems to make such game of one," replied Mr Jonas.
"Then why need you trouble yourself about her?" said Charity. "I am sure she doesn"t trouble herself much about you."
"Don"t she though?" asked Jonas.
"Good gracious me, need I tell you that she don"t?" returned the young lady.
Mr Jonas made no verbal rejoinder, but he glanced at Mercy with an odd expression in his face; and said THAT wouldn"t break his heart, she might depend upon it. Then he looked on Charity with even greater favour than before, and besought her, as his polite manner was, to "come a little closer."
"There"s another thing that"s not easily overdone, father," remarked Jonas, after a short silence.
"What"s that?" asked the father; grinning already in antic.i.p.ation.
"A bargain," said the son. "Here"s the rule for bargains--"Do other men, for they would do you." That"s the true business precept. All others are counterfeits."
The delighted father applauded this sentiment to the echo; and was so much tickled by it, that he was at the pains of imparting the same to his ancient clerk, who rubbed his hands, nodded his palsied head, winked his watery eyes, and cried in his whistling tones, "Good! good! Your own son, Mr Chuzzlewit" with every feeble demonstration of delight that he was capable of making. But this old man"s enthusiasm had the redeeming quality of being felt in sympathy with the only creature to whom he was linked by ties of long a.s.sociation, and by his present helplessness. And if there had been anybody there, who cared to think about it, some dregs of a better nature unawakened, might perhaps have been descried through that very medium, melancholy though it was, yet lingering at the bottom of the worn-out cask called Chuffey.
As matters stood, n.o.body thought or said anything upon the subject; so Chuffey fell back into a dark corner on one side of the fireplace, where he always spent his evenings, and was neither seen nor heard again that night; save once, when a cup of tea was given him, in which he was seen to soak his bread mechanically. There was no reason to suppose that he went to sleep at these seasons, or that he heard, or saw, or felt, or thought. He remained, as it were, frozen up--if any term expressive of such a vigorous process can be applied to him--until he was again thawed for the moment by a word or touch from Anthony.
Miss Charity made tea by desire of Mr Jonas, and felt and looked so like the lady of the house that she was in the prettiest confusion imaginable; the more so from Mr Jonas sitting close beside her, and whispering a variety of admiring expressions in her ear. Miss Mercy, for her part, felt the entertainment of the evening to be so distinctly and exclusively theirs, that she silently deplored the commercial gentlemen--at that moment, no doubt, wearying for her return--and yawned over yesterday"s newspaper. As to Anthony, he went to sleep outright, so Jonas and Cherry had a clear stage to themselves as long as they chose to keep possession of it.
When the tea-tray was taken away, as it was at last, Mr Jonas produced a dirty pack of cards, and entertained the sisters with divers small feats of dexterity: whereof the main purpose of every one was, that you were to decoy somebody into laying a wager with you that you couldn"t do it; and were then immediately to win and pocket his money. Mr Jonas informed them that these accomplishments were in high vogue in the most intellectual circles, and that large amounts were constantly changing hands on such hazards. And it may be remarked that he fully believed this; for there is a simplicity of cunning no less than a simplicity of innocence; and in all matters where a lively faith in knavery and meanness was required as the ground-work of belief, Mr Jonas was one of the most credulous of men. His ignorance, which was stupendous, may be taken into account, if the reader pleases, separately.
This fine young man had all the inclination to be a profligate of the first water, and only lacked the one good trait in the common catalogue of debauched vices--open-handedness--to be a notable vagabond. But there his griping and penurious habits stepped in; and as one poison will sometimes neutralise another, when wholesome remedies would not avail, so he was restrained by a bad pa.s.sion from quaffing his full measure of evil, when virtue might have sought to hold him back in vain.
By the time he had unfolded all the peddling schemes he knew upon the cards, it was growing late in the evening; and Mr Pecksniff not making his appearance, the young ladies expressed a wish to return home. But this, Mr Jonas, in his gallantry, would by no means allow, until they had partaken of some bread and cheese and porter; and even then he was excessively unwilling to allow them to depart; often beseeching Miss Charity to come a little closer, or to stop a little longer, and preferring many other complimentary pet.i.tions of that nature in his own hospitable and earnest way. When all his efforts to detain them were fruitless, he put on his hat and greatcoat preparatory to escorting them to Todgers"s; remarking that he knew they would rather walk thither than ride; and that for his part he was quite of their opinion.
"Good night," said Anthony. "Good night; remember me to--ha, ha, ha!--to Pecksniff. Take care of your cousin, my dears; beware of Jonas; he"s a dangerous fellow. Don"t quarrel for him, in any case!"
"Oh, the creature!" cried Mercy. "The idea of quarrelling for HIM! You may take him, Cherry, my love, all to yourself. I make you a present of my share."
"What! I"m a sour grape, am I, cousin?" said Jonas.
Miss Charity was more entertained by this repartee than one would have supposed likely, considering its advanced age and simple character. But in her sisterly affection she took Mr Jonas to task for leaning so very hard upon a broken reed, and said that he must not be so cruel to poor Merry any more, or she (Charity) would positively be obliged to hate him. Mercy, who really had her share of good humour, only retorted with a laugh; and they walked home in consequence without any angry pa.s.sages of words upon the way. Mr Jonas being in the middle, and having a cousin on each arm, sometimes squeezed the wrong one; so tightly too, as to cause her not a little inconvenience; but as he talked to Charity in whispers the whole time, and paid her great attention, no doubt this was an accidental circ.u.mstance. When they arrived at Todgers"s, and the door was opened, Mercy broke hastily from them, and ran upstairs; but Charity and Jonas lingered on the steps talking together for more than five minutes; so, as Mrs Todgers observed next morning, to a third party, "It was pretty clear what was going on THERE, and she was glad of it, for it really was high time that Miss Pecksniff thought of settling."
And now the day was coming on, when that bright vision which had burst on Todgers"s so suddenly, and made a sunshine in the shady breast of Jinkins, was to be seen no more; when it was to be packed, like a brown paper parcel, or a fish-basket, or an oyster barrel or a fat gentleman, or any other dull reality of life, in a stagecoach and carried down into the country.
"Never, my dear Miss Pecksniffs," said Mrs Todgers, when they retired to rest on the last night of their stay, "never have I seen an establishment so perfectly broken-hearted as mine is at this present moment of time. I don"t believe the gentlemen will be the gentlemen they were, or anything like it--no, not for weeks to come. You have a great deal to answer for, both of you."
They modestly disclaimed any wilful agency in this disastrous state of things, and regretted it very much.
"Your pious pa, too," said Mrs Todgers. "There"s a loss! My dear Miss Pecksniffs, your pa is a perfect missionary of peace and love."
Entertaining an uncertainty as to the particular kind of love supposed to be comprised in Mr Pecksniff"s mission, the young ladies received the compliment rather coldly.
"If I dared," said Mrs Todgers, perceiving this, "to violate a confidence which has been reposed in me, and to tell you why I must beg of you to leave the little door between your room and mine open tonight, I think you would be interested. But I mustn"t do it, for I promised Mr Jinkins faithfully, that I would be as silent as the tomb."
"Dear Mrs Todgers! What can you mean?"
"Why, then, my sweet Miss Pecksniffs," said the lady of the house; "my own loves, if you will allow me the privilege of taking that freedom on the eve of our separation, Mr Jinkins and the gentlemen have made up a little musical party among themselves, and DO intend, in the dead of this night, to perform a serenade upon the stairs outside the door. I could have wished, I own," said Mrs Todgers, with her usual foresight, "that it had been fixed to take place an hour or two earlier; because when gentlemen sit up late they drink, and when they drink they"re not so musical, perhaps, as when they don"t. But this is the arrangement; and I know you will be gratified, my dear Miss Pecksniffs, by such a mark of their attention."
The young ladies were at first so much excited by the news, that they vowed they couldn"t think of going to bed until the serenade was over.
But half an hour of cool waiting so altered their opinion that they not only went to bed, but fell asleep; and were, moreover, not ecstatically charmed to be awakened some time afterwards by certain dulcet strains breaking in upon the silent watches of the night.
It was very affecting--very. Nothing more dismal could have been desired by the most fastidious taste. The gentleman of a vocal turn was head mute, or chief mourner; Jinkins took the ba.s.s; and the rest took anything they could get. The youngest gentleman blew his melancholy into a flute. He didn"t blow much out of it, but that was all the better.
If the two Miss Pecksniffs and Mrs Todgers had perished by spontaneous combustion, and the serenade had been in honour of their ashes, it would have been impossible to surpa.s.s the unutterable despair expressed in that one chorus, "Go where glory waits thee!" It was a requiem, a dirge, a moan, a howl, a wail, a lament, an abstract of everything that is sorrowful and hideous in sound. The flute of the youngest gentleman was wild and fitful. It came and went in gusts, like the wind. For a long time together he seemed to have left off, and when it was quite settled by Mrs Todgers and the young ladies that, overcome by his feelings, he had retired in tears, he unexpectedly turned up again at the very top of the tune, gasping for breath. He was a tremendous performer. There was no knowing where to have him; and exactly when you thought he was doing nothing at all, then was he doing the very thing that ought to astonish you most.
There were several of these concerted pieces; perhaps two or three too many, though that, as Mrs Todgers said, was a fault on the right side.
But even then, even at that solemn moment, when the thrilling sounds may be presumed to have penetrated into the very depths of his nature, if he had any depths, Jinkins couldn"t leave the youngest gentleman alone. He asked him distinctly, before the second song began--as a personal favour too, mark the villain in that--not to play. Yes; he said so; not to play. The breathing of the youngest gentleman was heard through the key-hole of the door. He DIDN"T play. What vent was a flute for the pa.s.sions swelling up within his breast? A trombone would have been a world too mild.
The serenade approached its close. Its crowning interest was at hand.
The gentleman of a literary turn had written a song on the departure of the ladies, and adapted it to an old tune. They all joined, except the youngest gentleman in company, who, for the reasons aforesaid, maintained a fearful silence. The song (which was of a cla.s.sical nature) invoked the oracle of Apollo, and demanded to know what would become of Todgers"s when CHARITY and MERCY were banished from its walls. The oracle delivered no opinion particularly worth remembering, according to the not infrequent practice of oracles from the earliest ages down to the present time. In the absence of enlightenment on that subject, the strain deserted it, and went on to show that the Miss Pecksniffs were nearly related to Rule Britannia, and that if Great Britain hadn"t been an island, there could have been no Miss Pecksniffs. And being now on a nautical tack, it closed with this verse:
"All hail to the vessel of Pecksniff the sire!
And favouring breezes to fan; While Tritons flock round it, and proudly admire The architect, artist, and man!"
As they presented this beautiful picture to the imagination, the gentlemen gradually withdrew to bed to give the music the effect of distance; and so it died away, and Todgers"s was left to its repose.
Mr Bailey reserved his vocal offering until the morning, when he put his head into the room as the young ladies were kneeling before their trunks, packing up, and treated them to an imitation of the voice of a young dog in trying circ.u.mstances; when that animal is supposed by persons of a lively fancy, to relieve his feelings by calling for pen and ink.
"Well, young ladies," said the youth, "so you"re a-going home, are you, worse luck?"
"Yes, Bailey, we"re going home," returned Mercy.
"An"t you a-going to leave none of "em a lock of your hair?" inquired the youth. "It"s real, an"t it?"
They laughed at this, and told him of course it was.
"Oh, is it of course, though?" said Bailey. "I know better than that.
Hers an"t. Why, I see it hanging up once, on that nail by the winder.
Besides, I have gone behind her at dinner-time and pulled it; and she never know"d. I say, young ladies, I"m a-going to leave. I an"t a-going to stand being called names by her, no longer."
Miss Mercy inquired what his plans for the future might be; in reply to whom Mr Bailey intimated that he thought of going either into top-boots, or into the army.
"Into the army!" cried the young ladies, with a laugh.
"Ah!" said Bailey, "why not? There"s a many drummers in the Tower. I"m acquainted with "em. Don"t their country set a valley on "em, mind you!
Not at all!"