_One month later_.
Well, I"ve been here another whole month, and it"s growing nicer all the time. I just love it here. I love the sunshine everywhere, and the curtains up to let it in. And the flowers in the rooms, and the little fern-dish on the dining-room table, the books and magazines just lying around ready to be picked up; Baby Lester laughing and singing all over the house, and lovely ladies and gentlemen in the drawing-room having music and tea and little cakes when I come home from school in the afternoon. And I love it not to have to look up and watch and listen for fear Father"s coming in and I"ll be making a noise. And best of all I love Mother with her dancing eyes and her laugh, and her just being happy, with no going in and finding her crying or looking long and fixedly at nothing, and then turning to me with a great big sigh, and a "Well, dear?" that just makes you want to go and cry because it"s so hurt and heart-broken. Oh, I do just love it all!
And Mother _is_ happy. I"m sure she is. Somebody is doing something for her every moment--seems so. They are so glad to get her back again. I know they are. I heard two ladies talking one day, and they said they were. They called her "Poor Madge," and "Dear Madge," and they said it was a shame that she should have had such a wretched experience, and that they for one should try to do everything they could to make her forget.
And that"s what they all seem to be trying to do--to make her forget.
There isn"t a day goes by but that somebody sends flowers or books or candy, or invites her somewhere, or takes her to ride or to the theater, or comes to see her, so that Mother is in just one whirl of good times from morning till night. Why, she"d just have to forget.
She doesn"t have any time to remember. I think she _is_ forgetting, too. Oh, of course she gets tired, and sometimes rainy days or twilights I find her on the sofa in her room not reading or anything, and her face looks "most as it used to sometimes after they"d been having one of their incompatibility times. But I don"t find her that way very often, and it doesn"t last long. So I really think she is forgetting.
About the prospective suitors--I found that "prospective suitor" in a story a week ago, and I just love it. It means you probably will want to marry her, you know. I use it all the time now--in my mind--when I"m thinking about those gentlemen that come here (the unmarried ones). I forgot and used it out loud one day to Aunt Hattie; but I shan"t again. She said, "Mercy!" and threw up her hands and looked over to Grandpa the way she does when I"ve said something she thinks is perfectly awful.
But I was firm and dignified--but very polite and pleasant--and I said that I didn"t see why she should act like that, for of course they were prospective suitors, the unmarried ones, anyway, and even some of the married ones, maybe, like Mr. Harlow, for of course they could get divorces, and--
"Ma_rie_!" interrupted Aunt Hattie then, before I could say another word, or go on to explain that of course Mother couldn"t be expected to stay unmarried _always_, though I was very sure she wouldn"t get married again until she"d waited long enough, and until it was perfectly proper and genteel for her to take unto herself another husband.
But Aunt Hattie wouldn"t even listen. And she threw up her hands and said "Ma_rie_!" again with the emphasis on the last part of the name the way I simply loathe. And she told me never, never to let her hear me make such a speech as that again. And I said I would be very careful not to. And you may be sure I shall. I don"t want to go through a scene like that again!
She told Mother about it, though, I think. Anyhow, they were talking very busily together when they came into the library after dinner that night, and Mother looked sort of flushed and plagued, and I heard her say, "Perhaps the child does read too many novels, Hattie."
And Aunt Hattie answered, "Of course she does!" Then she said something else which I didn"t catch, only the words "silly" and "romantic," and "pre-co-shus." (I don"t know what that last means, but I put it down the way it sounded, and I"m going to look it up.)
Then they turned and saw me, and they didn"t say anything more. But the next morning the perfectly lovely story I was reading, that Theresa let me take, called "The Hidden Secret," I couldn"t find anywhere. And when I asked Mother if she"d seen it, she said she"d given it back to Theresa, and that I mustn"t ask for it again. That I wasn"t old enough yet to read such stories.
There it is again! I"m not old enough. When _will_ I be allowed to take my proper place in life? Echo answers when.
Well, to resume and go on.
What was I talking about? Oh, I know--the prospective suitors. (Aunt Hattie can"t hear me when I just _write_ it, anyway.) Well, they all come just as they used to, only there are more of them now--two fat men, one slim one, and a man with a halo of hair round a bald spot.
Oh, I don"t mean that any of them are really suitors yet. They just come to call and to tea, and send her flowers and candy. And Mother isn"t a mite nicer to one than she is to any of the others. Anybody can see that. And she shows very plainly she"s no notion of picking anybody out yet. But of course I can"t help being interested and watching.
It won"t be Mr. Harlow, anyway. I"m pretty sure of that, even if he has started in to get his divorce. (And he has. I heard Aunt Hattie tell Mother so last week.) But Mother doesn"t like him. I"m sure she doesn"t. He makes her awfully nervous. Oh, she laughs and talks with him--seems as if she laughs even more with him than she does with anybody else. But she"s always looking around for somebody else to talk to; and I"ve seen her get up and move off just as he was coming across the room toward her, and I"m just sure she saw him. There"s another reason, too, why I think Mother isn"t going to choose him for her lover. I heard something she said to him one day.
She was sitting before the fire in the library, and he came in. There were other people there, quite a lot of them; but Mother was all alone by the fireplace, her eyes looking fixed and dreamy into the fire. I was in the window-seat around the corner of the chimney reading; and I could see Mother in the mirror just as plain as could be. She could have seen me, too, of course, if she"d looked up. But she didn"t.
I never even thought of hearing anything I hadn"t ought, and I was just going to get down to go and speak to Mother myself, when Mr.
Harlow crossed the room and sat down on the sofa beside her.
"Dreaming, Madge?" he said, low and soft, his soulful eyes just devouring her lovely face. (I read that, too, in a book last week. I just loved it!)
Mother started and flushed up.
"Oh, Mr. Harlow!" she cried. (Mother always calls him "Mr." That"s another thing. He always calls her "Madge," you know.) "How do you do?" Then she gave her quick little look around to see if there wasn"t somebody else near for her to talk to. But there wasn"t.
"But you _do_ dream, of the old days, sometimes, Madge, don"t you?" he began again, soft and low, leaning a little nearer.
"Of when I was a child and played dolls before this very fireplace?
Well, yes, perhaps I do," laughed Mother. And I could see she drew away a little. "There was one doll with a broken head that--"
"_I_ was speaking of broken hearts," interrupted Mr. Harlow, very meaningfully.
"Broken hearts! Nonsense! As if there were such things in the world!"
cried Mother, with a little toss to her head, looking around again with a quick little glance for some one else to talk to.
But still there wasn"t anybody there.
They were all over to the other side of the room talking, and paying no attention to Mother and Mr. Harlow, only the violinist. He looked and looked, and acted nervous with his watch-chain. But he didn"t come over. I felt, some way, that I ought to go away and not hear any more; but I couldn"t without showing them that I had been there. So I thought it was better to stay just where I was. They could see me, anyway, if they"d just look in the mirror. So I didn"t feel that I was sneaking. And I stayed.
Then Mr. Harlow spoke again. His eyes grew even more soulful and devouring. I could see them in the mirror.
"Madge, it seems so strange that we should both have had to trail through the tragedy of broken hearts and lives before we came to our real happiness. For we _shall_ be happy, Madge. You know I"m to be free, too, soon, dear, and then we--"
But he didn"t finish. Mother put up her hand and stopped him. Her face wasn"t flushed any more. It was very white.
"Carl," she began in a still, quiet voice, and I was so thrilled. I knew something was going to happen--this time she"d called him by his first name. "I"m sorry," she went on. "I"ve tried to show you. I"ve tried very hard to show you--without speaking. But if you make me say it I shall have to say it. Whether you are free or not matters not to me. It can make no difference in our relationship. Now, will you come with me to the other side of the room, or must I be so rude as to go and leave you?"
She got up then, and he got up, too. He said something--I couldn"t hear what it was; but it was sad and reproachful--I"m sure of that by the look in his eyes. Then they both walked across the room to the others.
I was sorry for him. I do not want him for a father, but I couldn"t help being sorry for him, he looked so sad and mournful and handsome; and he"s got perfectly beautiful eyes. (Oh, I do hope mine will have nice eyes, when I find him!)
As I said before, I don"t believe Mother"ll choose Mr. Harlow, anyway, even when the time comes. As for any of the others--I can"t tell. She treats them all just exactly alike, as far as I can see. Polite and pleasant, but not at all lover-like. I was talking to Peter one day about it, and I asked him. But he didn"t seem to know, either, which one she will be likely to take, if any.
Peter"s about the only one I can ask. Of course I couldn"t ask Mother, or Aunt Hattie, after what _she_ said about my calling them prospective suitors. And Grandfather--well, I should never think of asking Grandpa a question like that. But Peter--Peter"s a real comfort. I"m sure I don"t know what I should do for somebody to talk to and ask questions about things down here, if it wasn"t for him. As I think I"ve said already, he takes me to school and back again every day; so of course I see him quite a lot.
Speaking of school, it"s all right, and of course I like it, though not quite so well as I did. There are some of the girls--well, they act queer. I don"t know what is the matter with them. They stop talking--some of them--when I come up, and they make me feel, sometimes, as if I didn"t _belong_. Maybe it"s because I came from a little country town like Andersonville. But they"ve known that all along, from the very first. And they didn"t act at all like that at the beginning. Maybe it"s just their way down here. If I think of it I"ll ask Peter to-morrow.
Well, I guess that"s all I can think of this time.
"_Most four months later_.
It"s been ages since I"ve written here, I know. But there"s nothing special happened. Everything has been going along just about as it did at the first. Oh, there is one thing different--Peter"s gone. He went two months ago. We"ve got an awfully old chauffeur now. One with gray hair and gla.s.ses, and homely, too. His name is Charles. The very first day he came, Aunt Hattie told me never to talk to Charles, or bother him with questions; that it was better he should keep his mind entirely on his driving.
She needn"t have worried. I should never dream of asking him the things I did Peter. He"s too stupid. Now Peter and I got to be real good friends--until all of a sudden Grandpa told him he might go. I don"t know why.
I don"t see as I"m any nearer finding out who Mother"s lover will be than I was four months ago. I suppose it"s still too soon. Peter said one day he thought widows ought to wait at least a year, and he guessed gra.s.s-widows were just the same. My, how mad I was at him for using that name about my mother! Oh, I knew what he meant. I"d heard it at school. (I know now what it was that made those girls act so queer and horrid.) There was a girl--I never liked her, and I suspect she didn"t like me, either. Well, she found out Mother had a divorce.
(You see, _I_ hadn"t told it. I remembered how those girls out West bragged.) And she told a lot of the others. But it didn"t work at all as it had in the West. None of the girls in this school here had a divorce in their families; and, if you"ll believe it, they acted--some of them--as if it was a _disgrace_, even after I told them good and plain that ours was a perfectly respectable and genteel divorce.
Nothing I could say made a mite of difference, with some of the girls, and then is when I first heard that perfectly horrid word, "gra.s.s-widow." So I knew what Peter meant, though I was furious at him for using it. And I let him see it good and plain.
Of course I changed schools. I knew Mother"d want me to, when she knew, and so I told her right away. I thought she"d be superb and haughty and disdainful sure this time. But she wasn"t. First she grew so white I thought she was going to faint away. Then she began to cry, and kiss and hug me. And that night I heard her talking to Aunt Hattie and saying, "To think that that poor innocent child has to suffer, too!" and some more which I couldn"t hear, because her voice was all choked up and shaky.
Mother is crying now again quite a lot. You see, her six months are "most up, and I"ve got to go back to Father. And I"m afraid Mother is awfully unhappy about it. She had a letter last week from Aunt Jane, Father"s sister. I heard her read it out loud to Aunt Hattie and Grandpa in the library. It was very stiff and cold and dignified, and ran something like this:
DEAR MADAM: Dr. Anderson desires me to say that he trusts you are bearing in mind the fact that, according to the decision of the court, his daughter Mary is to come to him on the first day of May. If you will kindly inform him as to the hour of her expected arrival, he will see that she is properly met at the station.
Then she signed her name, Abigail Jane Anderson. (She was named for her mother, Grandma Anderson, same as Father wanted them to name me. Mercy! I"m glad they didn"t. "Mary" is bad enough, but "Abigail Jane"--!)