"The supernatural can be very annoying until one finds the key that transforms it into science," he observed mildly. "I"m probably imagining complications that don"t exist. Come on, Ox, let"s go out and get killed."
The Duke of Ch"in had left on his annual tax trip, with the Key Rabbit and Lotus Cloud, and we caught up with them in Chuyen. Unfortunately, the Key Rabbit"s apartment was high in an unclimbable tower in the palace of the duke"s provincial governor. There were no vines to cling to, and no foot- or handholds, and every entrance was guarded by soldiers. Master Li did not appear to be greatly disturbed.
"Ox, I learned a valuable lesson in natural history when I was exiled to Serendip," he said. "When a foraging ant discovers something of value, it grabs a sample and dashes back to the colony screaming, "Awake! Arise! Beat the drums! Sound general quarters! I have discovered wealth beyond the dreams of avarice!" Then the whole colony follows the ant back to the treasure, but are they content to take what they see? Not if it is a trail of something. Ants that find trails of something they like will follow those trails to the source, even if it means crossing half of the world. Do you see the significance of that?"
"No, sir," I said.
"You will," said Master Li.
In the marketplace he bought a large jar of honey and a box that contained a colony of ants. Then he bribed a maid to bring a message to Lotus Cloud, and on the first cloudy night we scaled the outer walls of the governor"s palace, slipped past the guards, and made our way to the tower. I hooted three times like an owl. Lotus Cloud, who was enjoying the game immensely, opened her window and poured the jar of honey that the maid had brought down the wall, and when the thick sweet trickle reached us Li Kao opened the box and released the ants. They plunged into the honey with bulging squeals of delight, discovered that it was a trail, and started to climb.
The last ant was the biggest, and it was towing a gauze thread that was lighter than a feather. It scrambled over Lotus Cloud"s windowsill, and she detached the thread and tugged three times. Li Kao tied a fine length of string to his end of the thread and tugged back, and Lotus Cloud began pulling it up. Then came a cord tied to the end of the string, and a rope tied to the end of the cord, and Lotus Cloud tied her end of the rope to something st.u.r.dy inside the apartment. Li Kao hopped upon my back and in a matter of minutes I had climbed an unclimbable wall and flopped over the windowsill.
"Boopsie!" Lotus Cloud squealed happily.
I dumped my pearls and jade at her feet. "Do I have a story to tell you!" I panted.
"Later," Li Kao said warningly.
Footsteps were approaching the door. I took Master Li on my back and swung back out the window, and then I clung to the rope and lifted my eyes back up over the windowsill. A pasty-faced lout crashed through the door, staggered across the room, dumped an armload of pearls and jade on top of my pearls and jade, fell to his knees, wrapped his arms around Lotus Cloud"s legs, and buried his face against her thighs.
"My surname is Chia and my personal name is Chen and it is my unhappy lot to serve in this miserable rathole as the duke"s provincial governor, and I have worshipped you ever since you grinned at me in the garden this morning," he moaned.
Lotus Cloud laughed happily; her fingers played with his hair.
"I shall call you Woofie," she said.
I sighed and sadly climbed back down the wall.
"Woofie?" said Master Li. "Ox, far be it for me to interfere with your affairs, but there would appear to be certain drawbacks in forming a close relationship with Lotus Cloud."
"I love her as much as ever." I sighed.
He patted my shoulder comfortingly. "At least you will never be lonely," he said. "You and her other admirers can hold annual conventions. Perhaps the imperial elephant stables might be large enough for the purpose, and if not, you can rent an impoverished province. I hear that the grain harvest in Hua has been miserable this year, and the peasants should be delighted to entertain sixty or seventy thousand visitors with money in their pockets. Although I am talking nonsense, since every one of you will be bankrupt."
"Great Heavens!" the lout yelled above us. "There is a rope tied to your bed!"
"Rope? What rope?" said Lotus Cloud.
The pasty-face peered over the windowsill, and under the circ.u.mstances there was little that we could do except smile in a friendly fashion and wave. The provincial governor pointed down at us and squawked, "Burglars! Fear not, my beloved, I have my trusty sword!"
And then the b.a.s.t.a.r.d cut the rope.
We had ample time to survey the landscape as we plunged toward the courtyard. In another part of the palace a banquet was breaking up and the departing guests were climbing into carriages and sedan chairs. We were plunging straight toward one of the latter, and we landed upon the vast belly of an enormously fat fellow. I bounced off to the cobblestones, but Li Kao was much lighter and he continued to bounce up and down like a ball while the fat fellow"s dinner sprayed into the air.
Pigeon-egg soup, with lotus roots and dumplings and crushed pine kernels was followed by ducks" tongues cooked in sesame oil with mushrooms and bamboo shoots, which were followed by the ducks themselves - at least three - which had been stuffed with sh.e.l.lfish and steamed inside a cover of hardened bean curd, which were followed by spider crabs simmered in sweet white wine, which were followed by lamb kidneys sauteed with minced walnuts, which were followed by honeycakes, which were followed by candied fruits, which were followed by sweetmeats, which were followed by green tea, which was followed by plum wine, which was followed by Daffodil Digestive Tonic, which was followed by Seven Spirits Regulating Tonic, which was followed by Fragrant Fire Vitality Tonic, which was followed by hiccups, which were followed by a pair of hands that clamped around Li Kao"s throat.
"What have you done with my case of compa.s.ses?" screamed our porcupine merchant.
17. A Miraculous Transformation
In a way we were quite lucky. The Duke of Ch"in was continuing his tax trip with the Key Rabbit - Lotus Cloud was to rejoin them in a week or so - and in his absence we received a very considerate death sentence from the provincial governor, who was understandably annoyed because we had delayed his entrance into Lotus Cloud"s bed.
"You may choose your own method for departing this earth!" he yelled.
Then we were marched up to the roof of the tallest tower and the door was bricked up. This left us the choice between slowly starving to death or jumping to the cobblestones one hundred feet below, and I sat down miserably and buried my head in my hands. How much longer could the children last? Two months? Three? The keen-eyed bonzes that the abbot had posted would stare in vain from the roof of the monastery, because Master Li and Number Ten Ox were not going to return with the rest of the Great Root of Power. I wept until I realized that some of the sounds were coming from below me, and with a startled sense of hope I saw that the soldiers were unsealing the door.
Hope faded quickly when I understood that they were merely opening the door in order to shove another condemned prisoner up upon the roof, and as they bricked it up again Master Li took note of a pair of little pig eyes, a bald and mottled skull, a sharp curving nose like a parrot"s beak, the loose flabby lips of a camel, and two drooping elephant ears from which sprouted thick tufts of coa.r.s.e gray hair.
"Would you care to buy a goat?" he said with a polite bow.
To our astonishment Miser Shen ran to embrace us with cries of joy.
"What good fortune!" he cried. "I had feared that I would never have the opportunity of thanking my benefactors in person!"
"Benefactors?" I said.
"Thanking us?" said Master Li.
"For saving my life!" cried Miser Shen. "If it had not been for you, the Key Rabbit would not have determined the extent of my wealth, and if he had not determined the extent of my wealth he would not have invited me to tea, and if he had not invited me to tea I would still be the stingiest and most miserable miser in China. Lotus Cloud," he said proudly, "made a new man of me."
"Let me guess," Li Kao said. "She bankrupted you in a week?"
Miser Shen drew himself up proudly.
"Great Buddha, no! Why, such was the extent of my wealth that it took the dear girl almost a month to reduce me to abject poverty. Of course I owe a good deal to luck," he added modestly. "After Lotus Cloud ran through my countless chests of buried gold I was able to get very good prices for my eight businesses, my six houses, my carriage, my sedan chair, my horse, my three cows, my ten pigs, my twenty chickens, my eight savage guard dogs, my seven half-starved servants, my - Dear boy, do you happen to remember my young and beautiful concubine?"
"Vividly," I said.
"I was very lucky there, because I was able to buy three more days of Lotus Cloud by selling Pretty Ping to an up-and-coming young fellow in the brothel business. Lucky for Pretty Ping too, because one of her customers fell in love with her and made her his number-three wife, and now he showers her with the gifts and affection that she never received from me. Poor girl, I treated her terribly." Miser Shen sighed. "But then I was not truly human, because I had not yet met Lotus Cloud."
"I am finding this fascinating," said Master Li. "What did you do when you had nothing left to sell?"
"Why, I turned to crime, of course," said Miser Shen. "I am particularly proud of my performance during the Dragon Boat Festival. It occurred to me that the boats originally raced to sacrifice to the spirit of Ch"u Yuan, who drowned himself as a protest against corrupt government, but that the festival has degenerated into little more than a professional boat race upon which vast sums are wagered. Well, there was the betting boat with the bookmakers and other dignitaries on board, and there came the dragon boats skimming across the water, and there I came, walking upon the surface. I was on stilts, of course, and I wore an exact copy of the ancient ceremonial costume of Ch"u Yuan, and I had a long staff and a big black beard.
""Insolent dogs!" I roared. "You dare to turn the occasion of my honorable death into a sporting event? I shall smite you with pestilence, typhoons, and earthquakes!"
"It was very effective because I had covered my head with protective ointment and my false beard with pitch, and at that moment I set fire to the beard," said Miser Shen. "When Ch"u Yuan came striding across the waves with a halo of flames around his head, the people on the betting boat dived into the water and swam for their lives, and I cut the anchor rope and climbed on board and sailed away with all the money. I spent every cent on pearls and jade, but the soldiers caught me before I could give it to Lotus Cloud, so here I am."
Li Kao turned and stared at me.
"This happy, vibrant fellow with an admirable talent for crime is Miser Shen?" he said incredulously. "Ox, this transformation is nothing short of miraculous!"
He turned back to Miser Shen and bowed.
"We must dispense with t.i.tles," he said. "My surname is Li and my personal name is Kao, and there is a slight flaw in my character, and this is my esteemed client, Number Ten Ox. We have something important to do, so we must escape from this tower as soon as possible, and we would be honored if you would care to accompany us."
Miser Shen wiped tears from his eyes. "It has been forty years since anyone wanted me to accompany them anywhere," he sniffled. "Unfortunately there is no way to escape from this tower."
"Something will turn up," Master Li said confidently.
He was right, although when it turned up he was as astonished as I was. There was a loud commotion at the gates and a mob burst into the courtyard and demanded to see the governor. The governor stepped out, along with our porcupine merchant, and the mob parted to reveal a furious farmer, a cow, and two gentlemen of low appearance. A babble of voices drifted up to us, and we were able to piece together the following account: The farmer had heard a commotion in his pasture and he had rushed out to discover that a bald gentleman was down on his knees with his arms wrapped lovingly around the legs of one of the farmer"s prize cows. A fat gentleman, who was carrying a small funeral urn, was weeping his eyes out, and he turned and wept on the farmer"s shoulder for a while. Then he recovered enough to relate a marvelous tale.
The bald fellow"s beloved mother had expired some time ago, and her son had honored her rather unusual request to be cremated. One night the ghost of his mother came to see him in a dream, and she expressed the wish to have her ashes placed among the lohans at Lung-men. So the bald fellow and his dear friend had set forth with the ashes on the pious pilgrimage, only to discover that the ghost had something else in mind. The road to Lung-men pa.s.sed by the farmer"s pasture, and the cow had been waiting for them. The bald fellow had recognized the soft brown eyes immediately.
"Mother!" he screeched. "My beloved mother has been reborn as a cow!"
The reunion had been emotional, and the farmer was forced to shed a few tears himself as he watched it. The cow"s eyes were streaming with tears of joy as she lovingly licked the bald fellow"s skull. "Mother! What joy to see you again!" he sobbed, kissing her hairy legs.
What choice did the farmer have? He felt the warm glow of a deed well done as he watched his cow dwindle in the distance with the arms of the two gentlemen wrapped around its neck. He was only a gentleman farmer, and he was quite surprised when he was informed that cows always weep when they lick salt.
"And that includes salt that has been sprinkled upon a bald skull!" the farmer yelled.
"How dare you accuse us of fraud?" screamed p.a.w.nbroker Fang.
"We shall sue!" howled Ma the Grub.
When the farmer took off in pursuit he was joined by neighbors who had also experienced the wiles of Ma and Fang, and now they wanted the governor to hang these crooks from the highest tree.
"Lies, all lies!" screamed p.a.w.nbroker Fang.
"We demand compensation for slander!" howled Ma the Grub.
"Ox, you know these creatures well. What will they do now?" asked Master Li.
"They will go on the offense," I said firmly. "I don"t know how, but they"ll manage it."
"Splendid. Gentlemen, let"s get out of here."
There was a huge silk flag with the duke"s tiger emblem fluttering from a pole on top of the tower, and the soldiers were too interested in Ma and Fang and the lynch mob to notice when I cut it loose and hauled it down. From the wreckage of an old bamboo pigeon coop we made a basket to stand in, and the lanyard from the pole attached the basket to the flag.
"The principle is the same as that of a falling leaf, which drifts down gently because the air that pushes up against its surface almost counterbalances the weight that pushes it down," Master Li explained. "This flag may just be large enough to hold enough air, although I would be happier if the tower were another hundred feet high."
We tiptoed back to the other side of the tower to see how Ma and Fang were coming along. Bees were droning beside the wall, and Ma the Grub was surprised to see a trail of honey. His fingers slid slyly toward the stuff. Our porcupine merchant had brought out a plate of sweetmeats, and he was automatically lifting them to his gaping mouth as he listened to the members of the mob bellow one accusation after another. Ma the Grub craftily covered the ashes in the funeral urn with honey. He slid the urn beneath the merchant"s fat fingers, and the hand lifted again and again to the insatiable maw....
"Monster!" Ma shrieked in horror. "Fang, look what these fiends are doing! First they try to steal the incarnation of your beloved mother, and now they devour her very ashes!"
"Cannibals!" screamed p.a.w.nbroker Fang. He pried the merchant"s mouth open and peered into the black hole. "Mother, speak to me!" he howled.
Chaos ensued, and the soldiers in the courtyard converged upon the screaming pandemonium, and we dragged the flag and the basket to the rear of the roof. We climbed in, and I grasped the lanyards.
"I have decided to ask the Yama Kings to let me be reborn as a three-toed sloth, and Ox wishes to become a cloud. Do you have any preference?" Li Kao asked Miser Shen.
"A tree," Miser Shen said promptly. "In this life I have done nothing but foreclose mortgages, and when I am reborn I would like to provide free shade for the weary, free roosts for the birds, free fruit for the hungry, and free firewood for woodcutters when I am old and useless. Peasants name their favorite trees, and it is the dearest wish of Miser Shen to be known as "Old Generosity.""
"I shall hang by my tail from one of your branches," said Master Li.
"I shall drift overhead and bring rain for your roots," I said.
"I am overcome," Miser Shen sniffled.
"Farewell, tree."
"Farewell, cloud."
"Farewell, sloth."
I pushed off, and we plunged toward the cobblestones like three bugs clinging to a boulder. I consigned my soul to Heaven, and then the flag billowed wide, and we halted in mid-air so suddenly that my arms were nearly pulled from their sockets.
"We really must stop somewhere and collect some pearls for Lotus Cloud," said Miser Shen.
"And jade," I agreed.
"Incredible," sighed Master Li.
The wind caught the flag, and we drifted lazily away across the treetops toward a green valley where a river sparkled in the distance. The tower dwindled behind us, and we landed quite gently, and in the first village we bought a small boat and a great deal of wine.
The Duke of Ch"in, like all his predecessors, continued his tax trip past the terrible Desert of Salt, and after drifting uneventfully downstream for six days Li Kao found the landmark he was looking for. It was a tiny trail that ran from the bank toward a low hill, and the boat was light enough so that I could carry it over my head until we reached water again. It was a small, rapid stream, and as the days pa.s.sed it grew narrower and shallower. The air became very hot and we began to perspire freely, and on the fourth day we floated around a bend and I realized that the stream was disappearing, vanishing into cracks in the hard-caked earth. A blinding white glare was all that I could see of the horizon. The boat sc.r.a.ped bottom, and we climbed out to the bank, and Li Kao pointed ahead to the glare.
"The Desert of Salt," he said. "Peasants swear that when the Duke of Ch"in pa.s.ses this way on his tax trip, his army reaches this point and then vanishes for days."
He searched for another landmark, and pointed to a faint line that was barely visible beneath the white expanse of salt.
"Too straight to be the work of nature," he said. "Swirling salt will cover hoofprints and wheel tracks, but the underlying traces of a road will remain if it is used every year."
"Do you think that it leads to another treasure trove?" I asked.
"Well, it"s an idea, and even a bad idea is better than none," said Master Li. "Error can point the way to truth, while empty-headedness can only lead to more empty-headedness or to a career in politics. Miser Shen, now is the time when a wise man would turn back. If we keep chasing the duke we will eventually get back to Lotus Cloud, but the Desert of Salt has swallowed whole caravans, and our deaths are not likely to be pleasant."
"What is life without Lotus Cloud?" Miser Shen asked, quite reasonably from my point of view. "Besides, after a lifetime of disgrace, the least I can do is die with dignity."
I was really astonished to see what a splendid fellow had been lurking behind a skinflint"s exterior, and that night I learned a great deal about Miser Shen. We emptied our wine jars and filled them with water, and I cut the sail of the boat to make a tent. Then we followed the faint path into the desert, and just before dawn we crawled into the tent to protect ourselves from the direct rays of the sun. Miser Shen was afraid that we might think badly of Lotus Cloud for having accepted the love of someone so old and ugly as him, and he begged to be allowed to tell his story.
"Many years ago I was a happy man," he said in a shy, halting voice. "I was a peasant, and I was poor, but I had a small farm and a wife who loved me and the most adorable little daughter in the world. We almost always had enough to eat, and I never dreamed of asking for more. Then our village fell on hard times. The rain would not fall, or if it did, it fell so hard that our dikes broke and our crops were washed away. Our animals fell sick, and bandits bullied us and stole our rice, and then one day we learned that the Duke of Ch"in, the father of the present duke, had doubled out taxes. We could not possibly pay such a tax. The men of the village drew lots, and I was the unlucky one who was sent to plead to the duke.
"There were many peasants waiting to plead for lower taxes, so I spent hours rehearsing my speech. When my time came, I fell upon my knees in front of the throne and I told the duke of all the hardships that had come to my village. I know that I told my story well. When I had finished I raised my eyes to the terrible tiger mask, and the voice of metal frightened me but the words brought joy to my heart.
" "Shen Chunlieh," said the duke, "today I have heard many tales from those who wish to cheat me, but your story rings true. I am convinced that you cannot pay my tax, and I will grant you a very special favor. Go home to your village, and tell your family and friends that never again shall the village of Shen Chunlieh be asked to pay taxes to the Dukes of Ch"in, not so long as the stars shine in the sky and the fish swim in the sea."
"I kissed the floor and bowed backward from the presence of the duke, and my feet had wings as I raced over the hills. I could not run as fast as his hors.e.m.e.n could ride, however, and when I had climbed the last hill I stared down at smoldering ruins. The duke had sworn that never again would we pay taxes, and then he had destroyed my village as an example to others. The only villagers who had been spared were those who had been away, fishing at a nearby lake, and one of those was my wife. We wept in each other"s arms, but do you remember that I had a little daughter? Her name was Ah Chen, and I loved her more than anything in the world, and she had been left behind in the village and had been killed with the others.