Li Kao offered me some wine, but I declined.
"The Good Duke and his successors continued to murder peasants for fun and profit, and the annual tax trip continues to this day, but the wealthy were allowed to fill the dukes" coffers as a matter of free choice," he explained. "The Good Duke simply transformed his gloomy coastal town into the greatest and most expensive pleasure city on earth. Ox, every luxury and vice known to man is available at Ch"in at exorbitant prices, and the cost is more than offset by the fact that the dukes will not tolerate crime, which might divert coins from their own pockets. As a result the rich do not have to hire large private armies of guards, and in Ch"in and in Ch"in alone a wealthy man can lead a carefree existence. So long as a man spends freely, he has nothing to fear from the rulers of the Castle of the Labyrinth, and it is only a slight exaggeration to say that you and I are about to enter Paradise on Earth."
I will describe the city later on, but our first task was to find out who might be able to get us into the labyrinth and out again, and we discovered him inside an hour after we docked.
Every place of business was equipped with an iron chest with the duke"s tiger emblem stamped upon it. Half of the coins from every transaction went into the chest and half into the proprietor"s cash box, and somebody had to collect the duke"s share. The position of a.s.sessor of Ch"in had to rank very high among the most miserable occupations on earth, and the fellow who was stuck with it was universally known as the Key Rabbit - inescapably so, because he was a cringing little man with pink-rimmed eyes and a long pink nose that twitched in permanent terror, and as he pattered through the streets he was festooned with jangling chains of keys.
"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!" the poor fellow whimpered as he trotted into wineshops and brothels and gambling dens. "O dear, oh dear, oh dear!" he wailed as he trotted back out again.
He was followed by a platoon of soldiers and two carts, one to hold the loot and the other to hold the ma.s.sive scrolls that listed every rule and regulation in the duke"s domain. Magistrates could impose sentences, but only the a.s.sessor could impose fines, and it was generally agreed that if the Key Rabbit missed a point of law that cost the duke one penny he would shortly be missing his head.
"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!" he whined as he trotted into the Lucky Gambler Cricket Fighting Arena. He searched through his thousands of keys for the right one, unlocked the chest, counted the coins, checked the records to see if the amount was suspiciously low, conferred with spies to confirm that no cheating had taken place, relocked the chest, and pattered down the street to the next place of business. "Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!" he whimpered, which was a reasonable comment because if the duke"s share was off by a penny, his head would also be off.
As the sun set over the Castle of the Labyrinth the Key Rabbit pattered up the path to the duke"s treasure chambers, where clerks counted the coins, and then as often as not he would be forced to spend the night recounting the loot to make sure that the clerks hadn"t pocketed a penny. Who had to accompany the Duke of Ch"in on the annual tax trip and determine how much was owed by each village? The Key Rabbit, of course, and it was common knowledge that if he failed to squeeze the final grain of rice from the peasants he would fail to keep his head.
That should have been enough grief for anyone, but not for the Key Rabbit. In a moment of raving insanity, he had married.
"Don"t misunderstand me," said the old lady who was filling our ears with the gossip of the town. "Lotus Cloud is a dear, sweet country girl with the kindest heart in the world, but she was not prepared for the seductions of city life, and she has fallen victim to insatiable greed. Her husband, who has not one penny to call his own, cannot even relax when his wife takes a wealthy lover, because she is sure to bankrupt the fellow in a week. The Key Rabbit has decided that he committed some horrible crime in a previous incarnation, and he is being punished by marriage to the most expensive woman in the whole world."
For once my ignorant mind was keeping pace with that of Li Kao.
"The key to the labyrinth is the Key Rabbit, and the key to the Key Rabbit is his wife," said Master Li as we strolled away. "I"d do it myself if I were ninety, but it appears that Lotus Cloud will be your department. You may console yourself with the thought that the most expensive woman in the world is likely to be the most beautiful."
"Master Li, I shall do my duty," I said bravely.
"Yes indeed," he sighed. "Ox, you aren"t going to make much of an impression upon a walking case of insatiable greed with what"s left of Miser Shen"s gold coins. We must get our hands on a fortune."
13. The Art of Porcupine Cookery
Li Kao led the way to the customs shed, and an hour later he found what he wanted. Everything that was shipped in or out of the port of Ch"in was heavily taxed, and an enormously fat merchant was paying an export tax that amounted to an emperor"s ransom. A small army of guards - a rare sight in Ch"in - was positioned around four rectangular wooden cases, and since it would be several hours before his ship sailed, the merchant waddled away to enjoy a light lunch.
"Ox, follow that fellow and come back and tell me what he eats," said Master Li.
"What he eats?"
"What he eats."
When I returned I was rather shaken. "Master Li, you won"t believe this, but that merchant began with four large tureens of pimento and dumpling soup," I said. "Then he devoured three bowls of mussel stew, a pound of pickled mallows, two pounds of steamed snails, three servings of soft-sh.e.l.led crabs, two plates of sweetmeats, ten honey cakes, and a watermelon. The proprietor wondered whether the esteemed guest might care for six or seven quarts of peaches in heavy syrup, but the merchant explained that he was on a diet and would be forced to settle for a gallon of green tea flavored with pine kernels."
"Where is he now?"
"He"s having a steam bath and a ma.s.sage, while two waiters from the restaurant stand ready with a stomach pump."
"Splendid," Master Li said happily. "Come along, Ox. We have to find the most unscrupulous alchemist in town and procure a jar of the Elixir of Eighty Evil Essences, and then we have to buy a coffin."
When the merchant waddled back from the ma.s.sage parlor a truly pathetic sight met his eyes. I was draped over a coffin, sobbing my heart out, while Li Kao wailed and tore his hair.
"Woe!" I howled.
"The bride of my beloved great-grandson is dead!" howled Master Li.
"Speak to me, my beloved!" I screamed, pounding the coffin lid.
"Ten million maledictions upon the chef who persuaded me to serve porcupine at my great-grandson"s wedding feast!" shrieked Master Li.
The merchant was at his side in an instant.
"Porcupine? Did you say porcupine?"
"Porcupine," Master Li sobbed.
"But, Venerable Sir, were you not aware that porcupine can be fatal unless properly prepared?"
Li Kao drew himself up affronted. "Do you take me for a fool?" he snapped. "I myself supervised the preparations, and every step was taken according to the instructions of Li Tsen-ing."
"Surely not!" the merchant gasped. "Why, the great Li Tsening wrote The Book of Porcupine Cookery!"
"Why do you think I followed his instructions, you idiot?" Master Li shouted.
The merchant"s eyes were glazed, and saliva flowed in streams. "Was it young, fresh porcupine?" he whispered.
"Barely one year old, and trapped the day before," Master Li sniffled.
A mighty spasm shook the merchant"s vast belly. "From Yushan?" he whispered.
"Straight from the river," sobbed Master Li.
That was too much for the merchant. He tottered over to his guards, opened a large sack, extracted a pickled carp, devoured it noisily, and tottered back.
"The paste!" he gasped. "The paste was made one year before?"
"One year precisely," said Master Li. "Only the purest yellow beans were used."
"You are positive that all black and brown beans were removed? The slightest trace of such imperfection can be fatal!"
"All black and brown beans as well as those with purple markings were removed by hand," Master Li said huffily. "The remainder was sifted fifteen times, and carefully scrutinized. I was perfectly aware of the danger!"
"Venerable Sir, I am not accusing you," the merchant said contritely. "But I need scarcely point out that some error must have been made, since your great-grandson"s poor bride... ah... Is it possible that rice flour was used?"
"Don"t be an a.s.s, young man!" Master Li said angrily. "Rice flour would have a.s.sa.s.sinated every single guest at the banquet! Only the purest Hua wheat flour was used, mixed with a little salt and exposed precisely six hours to the sun."
"With a veil to keep out the dust? Dust can be fatal!"
"With a veil to keep out the dust. Then the flour and beans were mixed into the paste and placed into a jar, which was in turn covered by an earthenware basin and sealed with lime, and I need not mention that only pure river water was used, since the slightest trace of well water would have been fatal."
"I cannot understand it," the merchant whispered. "Everything done properly, yet... Wait! What month was it?"
"Are you a raving lunatic? To prepare porcupine paste in any month but June is to commit suicide!" Master Li yelled.
The merchant had turned very pale. It was dawning on him that unless a flaw could be found, he himself could never safely enjoy the delicacy of all delicacies.
"Extraordinary," he whispered. "Everything done according to the instructions of the great Li Tsening, yet the porcupine proved fatal after all. We must find the error! Venerable Sir, I beg you to describe the precise method by which your chef cooked the porcupine."
It occurred to me that I had become too interested in porcupine cookery to mourn my departed bride properly. "Woe!" I shrieked. "Woe! Woe! Woe!"
Li Kao patted my shoulder. "To think that such tragedy should strike the only one of the great-grandsons who is neither mentally deficient nor morally degenerate," he sniffled. "But you are right; the error must be found. My chef began by removing the eyes, stomach, internal organs, and embryos, if any were present. While he cut the meat into pieces, my poor great-grandson cleaned every clot of blood from each piece with his own n.o.ble hands. Then the chef boiled the meat in pure river water -"
"With the skin still attached?"
"With the skin still attached. He then removed the meat from the pot and placed it upon a cutting board -"
"A wooden cutting board?"
"Merciful Buddha, I am perfectly aware of the fact that a metal or ceramic cutting board can be fatal!" Master Li snarled. "My chef picked out every bristle and quill with fine pincers, cut the flesh into smaller pieces - and I a.s.sure you that they were square pieces - and sauteed them in pork fat. Then and only then did he mix in the bean paste and fry the mixture in hot oil. He took infinite care to keep dust from the pot, and when he judged the meat to be done, he dipped a paper roll into the sauce and held it to the flame of a candle. Not until the paper caught fire easily did he remove the porcupine from the pot and serve it to the guests."
Not a flaw. Not one single error. The merchant"s gluttonous world was crashing around him, and he buried his face in his hands - oddly enough he reminded me of Bright Star when she thought that the Sword Dance had been defiled. His pa.s.sion was not so n.o.ble, but it was equally sincere. Li Kao took the opportunity to lift me to my feet, and I wept upon his shoulder while he patted my back.
"How many died?" the merchant whispered.
"Only my bride!" I howled. "Woe! Woe! Woe!"
"She alone among two hundred," Master Li sobbed. "And I myself selected the porcupines! I myself made the bean paste! I myself supervised the preparation of the meat! My beloved great-grandson removed the clots of blood with his own hands! It was he who selected the choicest piece to present to his bride! It was I who -"
"Wait!" cried the merchant. He grabbed my shoulders. "My dear tragic boy," he whispered, "when you cleaned the blood from the meat, what kind of pin did you use?"
I was really quite touched. Li Kao had done all the work to bring the whale alongside, and now he was letting me use the harpoon.
"What kind of... why, I don"t remember!" I said.
"You must remember!" the merchant howled. "Was it or was it not a silver pin?"
"Yes, it was," I said thoughtfully. "Now I remember clearly. It was a pin of the purest silver, although it fell to the ground as I came to the final piece of meat, so of course I had to use another one."
"Silver?" he asked breathlessly.
I let the tension mount while I wrinkled my brow in thought. "Gold," I finally said.
The abbot had always warned me against judging by appearances, and that merchant was a cla.s.sic example. His hoggish appearance suggested self-indulgence at the expense of all else, yet he did not rejoice because his gluttonous world had been saved. Tears streamed down his cheeks and his belly shook with sobs.
"Oh my boy, my poor tragic boy, the slightest contact between porcupine and gold is fatal," he wept. "By the evil curse of some malign spirit, you used gold for that one last piece, and then with loving hands you placed it upon the plate -"
"Of the woman I loved!" I shrieked. "My stupidity has slain my beautiful bride!"
I fell over the coffin in a faint, which allowed me to open the jar of the Elixir of Eighty Evil Essences that was concealed on the other side.
"To think that my beloved great-grandson could have been responsible for such a ghastly death!" Master Li gasped.
"I have often heard of porcupine poisoning, but I confess that I have never seen it," the merchant said in a tiny voice. "Is it very terrible?"
The guards and customs officials had been edging closer, with quivering ears, and they glanced nervously at the coffin.
"She began by breaking out in red spots, which spread until every inch of her skin was covered," Master Li whispered. "Then the red began to turn green."
The Elixir of Eighty Evil Essences was performing splendidly, and an unbelievable stench was lifting from the coffin.
"Gllgghh!" gagged the Chief of Customs.
"Then the ghastly glaring green began to turn black," Master Li whispered.
"Black?" the merchant said, waving fumes from his face.
"Well, to be pedantically accurate, it was a greenish-purplish-yellowish black that tended to run at the edges," Master Li said thoughtfully. "Then the smell began."
"Smell?" said the Chief of Customs, gagging through the noxious cloud.
"I cannot describe that loathsome smell!" Master Li wept. "Guests began to run for their lives, and my beloved great-grandson reached out to touch his bride - oh, how can I describe the horror of that moment? His fingers actually entered her body, for her smooth and supple skin had become soft jelly from which green and yellow corruption oozed. And the smell, the smell, the hideous toxic stench that caused dogs to collapse in spasms and birds to topple lifelessly from trees..."
For some reason we appeared to be alone.
A few minutes later we staggered from the customs shed and joined the others, who were heaving their guts out over the rails of the pier. Allow me to inform you that the Elixir of Eighty Evil Essences can make a stone vomit. The merchant, the guards, and the customs officials held a conference and voted to toss us, along with the coffin, into the sea before corruption killed them all, but Li Kao appealed to their patriotism by pointing out that if my bride landed in the sea, she would destroy the Chinese fishing industry for at least three thousand years. A compromise was reached, and they provided us with a wheelbarrow for the coffin, a couple of shovels, and a terrified bonze who led the way to the lepers" cemetery, banging upon a gong and bellowing "Unclean! Unclean!" The bonze took to his heels, and we watched the sails of the merchant"s ship disappear in the mist as he sped away with his four wooden cases, one of which was a coffin from which the funeral decorations had been removed.
We ripped the funeral decorations from the merchant"s case and I pried the lid open. Inside I found a small bag lying upon a canvas cover, and I dumped the contents into my hand and stared in disbelief.
"Pins? Master Li, why would that merchant hire an army of guards to protect some cheap iron pins?"
"Great Buddha, that fellow couldn"t possibly have been working alone. He must be the representative for a consortium of the richest companies in China!" Master Li gasped.
I didn"t know what he was talking about. Li Kao jerked the canvas cover aside and scooped up a strange object from a pile - we later discovered that there were 270 of them - and began attaching pins to it. The iron practically jumped to the surface, and the next pin stuck to the end of the first one.
"Ten pins," he prayed. "If it will hold ten pins! Seven... eight... nine... ten... eleven... twelve... thirteen... fourteen... fifteen... sixteen... seventeen..."
The eighteenth pin fell to the ground, and Li Kao turned to me with wonder in his eyes.
"Number Ten Ox, barbarian merchants and navies will sell their very souls for Chinese magnetic compa.s.ses that are pure enough to hold ten inch-long pins attached end to end, and we have hundreds that are pure enough to hold seventeen! My boy, I have made some hauls in my day, but this is ridiculous," he said gravely. "You and I have just become the two wealthiest men in all China."
14. Lotus Cloud
The first order of business was to establish our credentials as gentlemen of vast wealth and generosity, and I have a blurred memory of flowers and gongs and incense and silver bells, boat races and dice games and cricket fights, brawls and banquets and tangles of luscious bare limbs. We sailed upon brightly painted brothel barges that floated over azure lakes - and docked at artificial emerald islands where pallid priests with flabby faces and twitching hands sold the strangest things in peculiar paG.o.das - and we rode through the streets in a palanquin so huge that it was carried by sixty swearing servants. Naked dancing girls were draped around us, and we scooped handfuls of silver coins from a bra.s.s-bound chest and hurled them to the adoring mobs that followed our every step.
"Buy clean clothes!" we yelled. "Sweeten your foul breaths with decent wine! Get rid of your loathsome lice! Bathe!"