Haven"t I a right to expect some grat.i.tude from them in return?--Grat.i.tude? Such a thing doesn"t exist; it"s a word without meaning, a puffing of the air. Look at him for whom I did more than for all the rest. Did I take a pfennig from him in payment?--when I saw that he had talent? Not I! And I did it all. When he came to me, he couldn"t play a scale. I gave him extra lessons without charge, I put pupils in his way, I got him scholarships, I enabled him to support his family--they would have been beggars in the street, but for me. And now soon will be! Yes, I have had his mother here, weeping at my feet, imploring me to reason with him and bring him back to his senses. SHE sees where his infamy will land them. But I? I snap my fingers in his face. He has sown, and he shall reap his sowing.--But the day will come, I know it, when he will return to me, and all the rest will follow him, like the sheep they are. Let them come! They"ll see then whether I have need of them or not. They"ll see then what they were worth to me. For I can produce others others, I say!--who will put him and his fellows out of the running. Do they think I"m done for, because of this? I"ll show them the contrary. I"ll show them! Why, I set no more store by the lot of you than I do by this plate of cakes!"
Again he ate voraciously, and for a few moments, the noise his jaws made in working was the only sound in the room. Maurice stood in the same att.i.tude, with his hat in his hand.
"I regret more than I can express, having been the cause of annoying you, Herr Professor," he said at length with stiff formality. "But I should like to repeat, once more, that my only object in coming here was to speak to you about last night. I felt dissatisfied with myself and ..."
"Dissatisfied?" echoed Schwarz, bringing his jaws together with a snap.
"And what business of yours is it to feel dissatisfied, I"d like to know? Leave that to me! You"ll hear soon enough, I warrant you, when I have reason to be dissatisfied. Until then, do me the pleasure of minding your own business."
"Excuse me," said Maurice with warmth, "if this isn"t my own business!
... As I see it, it"s n.o.body"s but mine. And it seemed to me natural to appeal to you, as the only person who could decide for me whether I should have anything further to do with art, or whether I should throw it up altogether."
Schwarz, who was sometimes not averse to a spirited opposition, caught at the one unlucky word on which he could hang his scorn.
"ART!" he repeated with jocose emphasis--he had finished the plate of cakes, risen from the table, and was picking teeth at the window.
"Art!--pooh, pooh!--what"s art got to do with it? In your place, I should avoid taking such highflown words on my tongue. Call it something else. Do you think it makes a jot of difference whether you call it art or ... pludderdump? Not so much"--and he snapped his fingers--"will be changed, though you never call it anything!
Vanity!--it"s nothing but vanity! A set of raw youths inflate themselves like frogs, and have opinions on art, as on what they have eaten for their dinner.--Do your work and hold your tongue! A scale well played is worth all the words that were ever said--and that, the majority of you can"t do."
He closed his toothpick with a snap, spat dexterously at a spittoon which stood in a corner of the room, and the interview was over.
As Maurice descended the spiral stair, he said to himself that, no matter how long he remained in Leipzig, he would never trouble Schwarz with his presence again. The man was a loose-mouthed bully. But in future he might seek out others to be the b.u.t.t of his clumsy wit. He, Maurice, was too good for that.--And squaring his shoulders, he walked erectly down the street, and across the JOHANNAPARK.
But none the less, he did not go straight home. For, below the comedy of intolerance at which he was playing, lurked, as he well knew, the consciousness that his true impression of the past hour had still to be faced. He might postpone doing this; he could not shirk it. It was all very well: he might repeat to himself that he had happened on Schwarz at an inopportune moment. That did not count. For him, Maurice, the opportune moment simply did not exist; he was one of those people who are always inopportune, come and go as they will. He might have waited for days; he would never have caught Schwarz in the right mood, or in the nick of time. How he envied those fortunate mortals who always arrived at the right moment, and instinctively said the right thing!
That talent had never been his. With him it was blunder.
One thing, though, that still perplexed him, was that not once, since he had been in Leipzig, had he caught a glimpse of that native goodness of heart, for which he had heard Schwarz lauded. The master had done his duty by him--nothing more. Neither had had any personal feeling for the other; and the words Schwarz had used this afternoon had only been the outcome of a long period of reserve, even of distrust. At this moment, when he was inclined to take the onus of the misunderstanding on his own shoulders, Maurice admitted, besides his constant preoccupation--or possibly just because of it--an innate lack of sympathy in himself, an inability, either of heart or of imagination, to project himself into the lives and feelings of people he did not greatly care for. Otherwise, he would not have gone to Schwarz on such an errand as today"s; he would have remembered that the master was likely to be sore and suspicious. And, from now on, things would be worse instead of better. Schwarz had no doubt been left under the impression that Maurice had wished to complain of his teaching; and impressions of this nature were difficult to erase.
There was nothing to be done, however, but to plod along in the familiar rut. He must stomach aspersions and injuries, behave as if nothing had happened. His first hot intention of turning his back on Schwarz soon yielded to more worldly-wise thoughts. Every practical consideration was against it. He might avenge himself, if he liked, by running to the rival teacher like a crossed child; Schrievers would undoubtedly receive him with open arms, and promise him all he asked.
But what could he hope to accomplish, under a complete change of method, in the few months that were left? He would also have to forfeit his fees for the coming term, which were already paid. Schrievers"
lessons were expensive, and out of the small sum that remained to him to live on, it would be impossible to take more than half a dozen.
Another than he might have appealed to Schrievers" satisfaction in securing a fresh convert; but Maurice had learnt too thoroughly by now, that he was not one of those happy exceptions--exceptions by reason of their talent or their temperament--to whom a master was willing to devote his time free of charge.
Over these reflections night had fallen; and rising, he walked speedily back by the dark wood-paths. But before he reached the meadows, from which he could see lights blinking in the scattered villas, his steps had lagged again. His discouragement had nothing chimerical in it at this moment; it was part and parcel of himself.--The night was both chilly and misty, and it was late. But a painful impression of the previous evening lingered in his mind. Louise would be annoyed with him for keeping her waiting; and he shrank, in advance, from the thought of another disagreeable scene. He was not in the mood to-night, to soothe and console.
As he entered the MOZARTSTRa.s.sE, he saw that there was a light in Madeleine"s window. She was at home, then. He imagined her sitting quiet and busy in her pleasant room, which, except for the ring of lamplight, was sunk in peaceful shadow. This was what he needed: an hour"s rest, dim light, and Madeleine"s sympathetic tact.
Without giving himself time for thought, he mounted the stair and pressed the bell-k.n.o.b on the third floor.
On seeing who her visitor was, Madeleine rose with alacrity from the writing-table.
"Maurice! Is it really you?"
"I was pa.s.sing. I thought I would run up ... you"re surprised to see me?"
"Oh, well--you"re a stranger now, you know."
She was vexed with herself for showing astonishment. Moving some books, she made room for him to sit down on the sofa, and, as he was moody, and seemed in no hurry to state why he had come, she asked if she might finish the letter she was writing.
"Make yourself comfortable. Here"s a cushion for your head."
Through half-closed eyes, he watched her hand travelling across the sheet of note-paper, and returning at regular intervals, with a sure swoop, to begin a fresh line. There was no sound except the gentle scratching of her pen.
Madeleine did not look up till she had finished her letter and addressed the envelope. Maurice had shut his eyes.
"Are you asleep?" she roused him. "Or only tired?"
"I"ve a headache."
"I"ll make you some tea."
He watched her preparing it, and, by the time she handed him his cup, he was in the right mood for making her his confidant.
"Look here, Madeleine," he said; "I came up to-night--The fact is, I"ve done a foolish thing. And I want to talk to some one about it."
Her eyes grew more alert.
"Let me see if I can help you."
He shook his head. "I"m afraid you can"t. But first of all, tell me frankly, how you thought I got on last night."
"How you got on?" echoed Madeleine, unclear what this was to lead to.
"Why, all right, of course.--Oh, well, if you insist on the truth!--The fact is, Maurice, you did no better and no worse than the majority of those who fill the ABEND programmes. What you didn"t do, was to reach the standard your friends had set up for you."
"Thanks. Now listen," and he related to her in detail his misadventure of the afternoon.
Madeleine followed with close attention. But more distinctly than what he said, she heard what he did not say. His account of the two last days, with the unintentional sidelight it threw on just those parts he wished to keep in darkness, made her aware how complicated and involved his life had become. But before he finished speaking, she brought all her practical intelligence to bear on what he said.
"Maurice!" she exclaimed, with a consternation that was three parts genuine. "I should like to shake you. How COULD you!--what induced you to do such a foolish thing?" And, as he did not speak: "If only you had come to me before, instead of after! I should have said: hold what ridiculous opinions you like yourself, but for goodness" sake keep clear of Schwarz with them. Yes, ridiculous, and offensive, too. Anyone would have taken your talk about being dissatisfied just as he did. And after the way he has been treated of late, he"s of course doubly touchy."
"I knew that, when it was too late. But I meant merely to speak straight out to him, Madeleine--one man to another. You surely don"t want to say he"s incapable of allowing one to have an independent opinion? If that"s the case, then he"s nothing but the wretched little tyrant Heinz declares him to be."
"Wait till you have taught as long as he has," said Madeleine, and, at his muttered: "G.o.d forbid!" she continued with more warmth: "You"ll know then, too, that it doesn"t matter whether your pupils have opinions or not. He has seen this kind of thing scores of times before, and knows it must be kept down."
She paused, and looked at him. "To get on in life, one must have a certain amount of tact. You are too naive, Maurice, too unsuspecting--one of those people who would like to carry on social intercourse on a basis of absolute truth, and then be surprised that it came to an end. You are altogether a very difficult person to deal with. You are either too candid, or too reserved. There"s no middle way in you. I haven"t the least doubt that Schwarz finds you both perplexing and irritating; he takes the candour for impertinence, and the reserve for distrust."
Maurice smiled faintly. "Go on--don"t spare me. No one ever troubled before to tell me my failings."
"Oh, I"m quite in earnest. As I look at it, it"s entirely your own fault that you don"t stand better with Schwarz. You have never condescended to humour him, as you ought to have done. You thought it was enough to be truthful and honest, and to leave the rest to him.
Well, it wasn"t. I won"t hear a word against Schwarz; he"s goodness itself to those who deserve it. A little bluff and rude at times; but he"s too busy to go about in kid gloves for fear of hurting sensitive people"s feelings."
"Why did you never take private lessons from him?" was her next question. "I told you months ago, you remember, that you ought to.--Oh, yes, you said they were too expensive, I know, but you could have sc.r.a.ped a few marks together somehow. You managed to buy books, and books were quite unnecessary. One lesson a fortnight would have brought you" more into touch with Schwarz than all you have had in the cla.s.s.
As it is, you don"t know him any better than he knows you." And as she refilled his tea-cup, she added: "You quoted Heinz to me just now. But you and I can"t afford to measure people by the same standards as Heinz. We are everyday mortals, remember.--Besides, in all that counts, he is not worth Schwarz"s little finger."
"You"re a warm advocate, Madeleine."
"Yes, and I"ve reason to be. No one here has been as kind to me as Schwarz. I came, a complete stranger, and with not more than ordinary talent. But I went to him, and told him frankly what I wanted to do, how long I could stay, and how much money I had to spend. He helped me and advised me. He has let me study what will be of most use to me afterwards, and he takes as much interest in my future as I do myself.
How can I speak anything but well of him?--What I certainly didn"t do, was to go to him and talk ambiguously about feeling dissatisfied with him ..."
"With myself, Madeleine. Haven"t I made that clear?"