7 _mo._ 6.--Thought an awful solemnity was the covering of our small gathering yesterday morning, under which I felt truly thankful to the Dispenser of every gift; and was enabled to crave his a.s.sistance to maintain the watch with greater diligence, and pursue the ways of peace with alacrity of soul.
29_th and_ 30_th._--The General Meeting at Ackworth was large, and I thought very satisfactory through all its different sittings. The meeting for worship was a remarkable time; the pure spring of gospel ministry seemed to flow, as from vessel to vessel, until it rose into such dominion as to declare the gracious presence of Him who is ever worthy to be honored and adored for thus condescending to own us on such important occasions. Iron is said to sharpen iron; and I thought it was a little the case with me at this season, feeling very desirous to enjoy that within myself which I so much admire in others.
8 _mo_. 13.--Many days have I gone mourning on my way, for what cause I know not; but if I can only abide in patience till the day break and the shadows flee away, then I trust the King of righteousness will again appear.
25_th_.--In contemplating a little the character of that good man, Nehemiah, I cannot but think it worthy our strictest imitation, when we consider the heartfelt concern he manifested for the welfare of his people, in saying, "Come and let us build up the wall of Jerusalem, that we be no more a reproach." This proved him to be a man of a n.o.ble spirit and a disinterested mind, and, I say, worthy our strictest imitation; for to what n.o.bler purpose can we dedicate our time than in endeavoring to build up the broken places which are made in the walls of our Zion?
In the following entry is shown a just insight into the nature of man, and a discernment of the uses and limits of human knowledge. Although John Yeardley"s talents were not brilliant, and his opportunities were scanty, he possessed that intellectual thirst which cannot be slaked but at the fountain of knowledge. At the same time he was sensitively alive to the necessity of having all his pursuits, of whatever kind, kept within the golden measure of the Spirit of Truth.
11 _mo_. 11.--In taking a view of some of the temporal objects to which my attention has of late been more particularly turned, with a desire to enlarge my ideas and improve my understanding in some of the more useful and extended branches of literature, it has excited in me a considerable degree of caution, lest thereby I should, in this my infant state of mind, too much exclude the operation of that pure in-speaking word which has undoubtedly a prior right to govern all my actions. But I have long been convinced that the active mind of man must have some object in pursuit to engage its attention when unemployed in the lawful concerns of life, otherwise it is apt to range at large in a boundless field of unprofitable thoughts and imaginations. I am aware that we may be seasonably employed in suitable conversation to mutual advantage, and I trust I am not altogether a stranger to the value of _sweet retirement_; but there is a certain something in every mind which renders a change in the exercise of our natural faculties indispensable, in order to make us happy in ourselves and useful members of society; and it is under these considerations that I am induced to apply a few of my leisure hours towards some degree of intellectual attainment, in the humble hope that I may be preserved in that path which will procure at the hands of a wise Director that approbation which I greatly desire should mark all my steps.
The next extract from the diary will find a response in the hearts of many who read these pages.
1813. 2 _mo_. 17.--Never, surely, was any poor creature so weary of his weakness! Almost in everything spiritual, and even useful, I have not only been as one forsaken, but it has seemed as though I was to be utterly cast off. When I have desired to feel after good, evil has never failed to present itself. O, when will He whose countenance has often made all within me glad, see meet to return and say, "It is enough!"
6 _mo_. 27.--The thoughts which he put into writing under this date seem to have been occasioned by entering into business on his own account.
Am now about to enter the busy scenes of life, which sinks me into the very depth of humility and fear, lest the concerns of an earthly nature should deprive me of my heavenly crown, which I have so often desired to prefer even to life itself. But O, should there remain any regard in the breast of the Father of mercies, for one who feels so unable to cope with the world, may he still be pleased to preserve me in his fear, and not only to take me under the shadow of his heavenly wing, but make me willing to abide under the guidance of his divine direction!
7 _mo_. 15.--"Cause me not to return to the house of Jonathan the scribe, lest I die there." These words of our weeping prophet have sensibly affected my heart this morning, under a prevailing desire that my gracious rather may not permit me to remain as in the prison-house of worldly affairs, lest I die my spiritual death there.
We shall see that he was not successful in business; and it may be that the disappointments he experienced in this way were in some sort an answer to these ardent prayers to be kept from the spirit of the world.
Under date 21_st_ of the First Month, 1814, he writes:
I trust the few temporal disappointments I have met with of late have been conducive to my best interest, having had a tendency to turn my views from a too anxious pursuit after the things of time to a serious consideration of the very great importance of a more strict reliance on the never-failing arm of divine support, for the want of which I believe I have suffered unspeakable loss.
About this time he had frequently to mourn over the difficulty of fixing his mind in meetings for worship. He often complains of "wandering in the unprofitable fields of vain imagination;" but sometimes also he bears a joyful testimony to the Lord"s power in enabling him to unite in spirit with the living worshippers.
The fear of man is one of the most universal of the besetments which try the faith of the Christian; and it may be encouraging to some to see on this point the confession of one whose natural character was that of a strong and independent mind.
2 _mo_. 6.--I am too apt to let in that slavish fear about men and things which render me unable to cope with the world, and even unfits me for properly seeking after the a.s.sistance of my Maker. O, may He who sees my weakness enable me to overcome it!
During the summer of this year, several parties of Friends travelling in the work of the ministry came to Burton; Sarah Lamley of Tredington, with Ann Fairbank of Sheffield; Ann Burgess (afterwards Ann Jones); Elizabeth Coggeshall from New York, with Mary Jefferys of Melksham; and John Kirkham of Earl"s Colne. The labors of these Friends are recorded by John Yeardley with delight and thankfulness. He accompanied John Kirkham to Sheffield, where they found Stephen Grellett.
How sweet it is, he remarks, to enjoy the company of these dedicated servants, whom their great Master seems to be sending to and fro to spread righteousness in the earth! I often think it has a tendency to help one a little on the way towards the Land of Promise. When I consider these favors, I am led to covet that a double portion of the spirit of the Elijahs may so rest on the Elishas that others may also be raised to fill up the honorable situations of those worthies, when they shall be removed from works to rewards.
But of all the above-named, the visit of Sarah Lamley and Ann Fairbank was for him by far the most memorable, and was the means of developing that precious gift of ministry to which he had been called from his youth. The extracts from his Diary which are given below speak of this visit, and most instructively describe the time and manner in which he first received his gift, as well as the weight which the approaching exercise of it brought upon his mind.
5 _mo_. 27.--Sarah Lamley and Ann Fairbank lodged six nights with us, and I accompanied them to Dirtcar and Wakefield. I can acknowledge their innocent and agreeable company has been truly profitable to me, and has united me very closely to their spirits in tender sympathy.
7 _mo_. 30.--Such a load of exercise prevails over my spirit, that it requires some extra exertion to support it with my usual cheerfulness of countenance. If I go into company, I find no satisfaction; for I cannot appear pleasant in the society of my friends, feeling it irksome to discourse even on matters of common conversation. From the feelings which have attended my mind, it is evident that the cloud is at present resting on the tabernacle, and I never saw more need for me to abide in my tent.
And O that patience may have its perfect work! for there is much to be done in the vineyard of my own heart, before I can come to that state of usefulness which I believe the Great [Husbandman] designs for me. The secret language of my heart is, May his hand not spare nor his eye pity until he has subdued all in me which obstructs the progress of his divine work!
31_st_.--I trust I was once more favored, in meeting this morning, to put up my secret pet.i.tion in humble sincerity to the Shepherd of Israel, that he would be graciously pleased to help my infirmities. In the afternoon meeting I thought the pet.i.tion was measurably answered; for towards the conclusion the rays of divine light so overshadowed my mind as to induce a belief that I should be a.s.sisted to overcome that spirit of opposition which has too long existed to the detriment of my best interests, if there was only a willingness to abide under the forming hand.
8 _mo_. 1.--I now feel freedom to give a short account how it was with me under this concern from its commencement down to the present time.
I remember well, about the year 1804, when in my father"s house at Blacker, once being in my chamber, in a very serious, thoughtful frame of mind, receiving an impression that if ever I came to receive the truth which I was then convinced of, to my everlasting benefit, I should have publicly to declare of the gracious dealings of Divine Goodness to my soul. The impression pa.s.sed away with this remark deeply imprinted in my mind, that if ever a like concern should come to be matured, I should date the first intimation of it from this time. I was apt to view it for a long, time as the mere workings of the enemy on my mind, and when it has come before my view, I have often secretly said, "Get thee behind me, I will not be tempted with such a thing." By these means I put it from me, as it were, by force, not thinking it worthy of notice and often praying to be delivered from such a gross delusion. At other times it would come with such, weight on my spirit, that I could not avoid shedding tears, and acknowledging the power which accompanied the revival of so important a matter; and was led to query, If there is no real intention of a heavenly nature, why am I thus hara.s.sed? and O the fervent sincerity in which I desired that the right thing might have place, and if it was wrong, that I might be enabled to find a release in His time who had appointed the conflict! And I do believe, could I then have come at a perfect resignation to the divine will, I might have been brought forward in a way which would have afforded permanent relief to my own mind; but such was my dislike to the work, that I suffered myself to be lulled into a state of unbelief as to the rect.i.tude of the concern.
Thus many outward circ.u.mstances transpired, and some years pa.s.sed over, with my only viewing the matter at a distance, until He who first laid the concern upon me was pleased to bring it more clearly home to me, and seemed at times to engage his servants, both in public and private, to speak very clearly to my condition. And although I had a concurring testimony in my own mind to their declarations, yet I had always an excuse to flee unto by secretly saying, It may be intended for some one else; until the Most High was graciously pleased, by the services of his sincere handmaids, Sarah Lamley and Ann Fairbank, in their family visits to Friends of Barnsley, as mentioned last Fifth Month, to speak so clearly to my situation in their private opportunity with us, as to leave no room for excuse; but I was forced to acknowledge, Thou art the man. Indeed, Sarah Lamley was led in such an extraordinary manner, that I had no doubt at all but that she was favored with a clear and fall sense of my state. She began by enumerating the many fears which attended the apostles in their various situations; how that Satan had desired to have some of them that he might sift them as wheat in a sieve; "but," added she, "I have prayed for thee, Peter, that thy faith fail not, and when thou art converted strengthen thy brethren." And how it was with Moses when the Almighty appeared to him in a flame of fire in the bush, and that it was not until the Most High had condescended to answer all Moses" excuses that he was angry with him, and even then he condescended to let him have Aaron, his brother, to go with him for a spokesman. Also how it was with Peter when the threefold charge was given him to feed the lambs and the sheep. "It is not enough," said she, "to acknowledge that we love the Lord, but there must be a manifesting of our love by doing whatsoever he may command."
Methinks I still hear her voice, saying, "And O that there may not be a pleading of excuses, Moses-like!" Thus was this valuable servant enabled to speak to my comfort and encouragement, which I trust I shall ever remember to advantage; but O that I may be resigned to wait the appointed time in watchful humility, patience, and fear! for I find there is a danger of seeking too much after outward confirmations, and not having the attention sufficiently fixed on the great Minister of ministers, who alone is both able and willing to direct the poor mind in this most important concern, and in his own time to say, "Arise, shine; for thy light is come."
12 _mo_. 22.--My poor mind has been so much enveloped in clouds of thick darkness for months past, that I have sometimes been ready to conclude I shall never live to see brighter days. Should even this be the case I humbly hope ever to be preserved from accusing the just Judge of the earth of having dealt hardly with me, but acknowledge to the last that he has in mercy favored me abundantly with a portion of that light which is said to shine brighter and brighter unto the perfect day.
We shall leave for the next chapter the relation of his first offerings in the ministry, and conclude this with a striking pa.s.sage which we find in the Diary for this year.
John Yeardley was all his life very fond of the occupations of the garden.
A small piece of ground was attached to his house at Barnsley, which he cultivated, and from which he was sometimes able to gather spiritual as well as natural fruit.
Under date of the 22nd of the Seventh Month, he writes:--
A very sublime idea came suddenly over my mind when in the garden this evening. It was introduced as I plucked a strawberry from a border on which I had bestowed much cultivation before it would produce anything; but now, thought I, this is a little like reaping the fruit of my labor.
As I thus ruminated on the produce of the strawberry-bank, I was struck with the thought of endless _felicity_, and the sweet reward it would produce for all our toils here below. My mind was instantly opened to such a glorious scene of divine good that I felt a resignation of heart to give up all for the enjoyment of [such a foretaste] of _endless felicity_.
CHAPTER II.
FROM HIS ENTRANCE ON THE MINISTRY IN 1815, TO HIS COMMISSION TO RESIDE IN GERMANY IN 1820.
1815.--After the long season of depression through which John Yeardley pa.s.sed, as described in the last chapter, the new year of 1815 dawned with brightness upon his mind. He now at length saw his spiritual bonds loosed; and the extracts which follow describe his first offerings in the ministry in a simple and affecting manner.
1 _mo._ 5.--The subject of the prophet"s going down to the potter"s house opened so clearly on my mind in meeting this morning that I thought I could almost have publicly declared it; but not feeling that weight and certainty which I had apprehended should accompany the performance of such an important act, I was afraid of imparting that to others which might be intended only for my own instruction; and so it has ended for the present.
But I am thankful in hoping that I am come a little nearer to that state of resignation which was so beautifully exemplified by our great Pattern of all good, who when He desired the bitter cup might pa.s.s from Him, nevertheless added, "Not my will, but thine be done." And if I am at all acquainted with my inward feelings, I trust I can in some degree of sincerity say that my heart desires to rejoice more in the progress of this state of happy resignation, than at the increase of corn, wine, or oil.
He first opened his mouth in religious testimony in the First Month of this year. The occurrence seems to have taken place in his own family; it yielded him a "precious sense of the Divine Presence." He began to preach in public a few months later, but not without another struggle against the heavenly impulse.
The friendship which Joseph Wood entertained for John Yeardley strengthened with revolving years. When he visited Barnsley, he was accustomed to lodge at his house; and writing to him in the year 1811, about a public meeting which he felt concerned to hold, he says, "I can with freedom write to thee, feeling that unity with thy spirit which preserves us near and dear to each other, and in which freedom runs."