One twilight, I remember, I had slipped across from out of my bath for a pinch of the "crystals" which Mrs Monnerie had presented me with that afternoon; for my nose, also, was accustoming itself to an artificial life. An immense cheval looking-gla.s.s stood there, and at one and the same instant I saw not only my own slim, naked, hastening figure reflected in its placid deeps, but, behind me, that of Fleming, shadowily engrossed. With a shock I came to a standstill, helplessly meeting her peculiar stare. Only seven yards or so of dusky air divided us. Caught back by this unexpected encounter, for one immeasurable moment I stood thus, as if she and I were mere shapes in a picture, and reality but a thought.
Then suddenly she recovered herself, and with a murmur of apology was gone. Huddled up in my towel, I sat motionless, shrunken for a while almost to nothing in the dense sense of shame that had swept over me.
Then suddenly I flung myself on my knees, and prayed--though what about and to whom I cannot say. After which I went back and bathed myself again.
The extravagances of Youth! No doubt, the worst pang was that though vaguely I knew that my most secret solitude had been for a while destroyed, that long intercepted glance of half-derisive admiration had filled me with something sweeter than distress. If only I knew what common-sized people really feel like in similar circ.u.mstances.
Biographies tell me little; and can one trust what is said in novels?
The only _practical_ result of this encounter was that I emptied all Mrs Monnerie"s priceless crystals forthwith into my bath, and vowed never, never again to desert plain water. So, for one evening, my room smelt like a garden in Damascus.
As for Fleming, she never, of course, referred to this incident, but our small talk was even smaller than before. If, indeed, to Percy, "toadlet"
was the aptest tag for me; for Fleming, I fancy, "stuck-up" sufficed.
Instinct told her that she was only by courtesy a _lady"s_-maid.
Less for her own sake than for mine, Mrs Monnerie and I scoured London for amus.e.m.e.nt, even though she was irritated a little by my preference for the kind which may be called instructive. The truth is, that in all this smooth idleness and luxury a hunger for knowledge had seized on me; as if (cat to gra.s.s) my mind were in search of an antidote.
Mrs Monnerie had little difficulty in securing "private views." She must have known everybody that is anybody--as I once read of a Countess in a book. And I suppose there is not a very large number of this kind of person. Whenever our social engagements permitted, we visited the show places, galleries, and museums. Unlike the rest of London, I gazed at Amenhotep"s Mummy in the late dusk of a summer evening; and we had much to say to one another; though but one whiff of the huge round library gave me a violent headache. When the streets had to be faced, Fleming came with us in the carriage, and I was disguised to look as much like a child as possible--a process that made me feel at least twenty years older. The Tower of London, the Zoo, Westminster Abbey, St Paul"s--each in turn fell an early prey to my hunger for learning and experience. As for the Thames; the very sight of it seemed to wash my small knowledge of English history clear as crystal.
Mrs Monnerie yawned her way on--though my comments on these marvels of human enterprise occasionally amused her. I made amends, too, by accompanying her to less well-advertised show-places, and patiently sat with her while she fondled unset and antique gems in a jeweller"s, or inspected the china, miniatures, and embroideries in private collections. If the mere look of the books in the British Museum gave me a headache, it is curious that the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussaud"s Wax Works did not. And yet I don"t know; life itself had initiated me into this freemasonry. I surveyed the guillotine without a shudder, and eyed Mr Hare and Charles Peace with far less discomposure than General Tom Thumb, or even Robert Burns in the respectable gallery above. My one misfortune was that I could look at no murderer without instantly recomposing the imaginary scene of his crime within my mind.
And as after a while Mrs Monnerie decided to rest on a chair set for her by the polite attendant under the scaffold, and we had the Chamber nearly to ourselves, I wandered on alone, and perhaps supped rather too full of horrors for one evening.
Mrs Monnerie would often question me. "Well, what do you think of that, Mammetinka?" or, "Now, then, my inexhaustible little Miss Aristotle, discourse on that."
And like a bullfinch I piped up in response to the best of my ability.
My answers, I fear, were usually evasive. For I had begun to see that she was making experiments on my mind and senses, as well as on my manners and body. She was a "fancier." And one day I ogled up at her with the pert remark that she now possessed a pocket barometer which would do its very utmost to remain at 31, if that was possible without being "Very Dry."
She received this little joke with extraordinary good humour. "When I come down in the world, my dear," she said, "and these horrid anarchists are doing their best to send us all sky-high first, we"ll visit the Courts of Europe together, like Count Boruwlaski. Do you think you could bring yourself to support your old friend in her declining years in a declining age?"
I smiled and touched her glove. "Where thou goest, I will go," I replied; and then could have bitten off my tongue in remorse. "Pah,"
gasped a secret voice, "so that"s going the same way too, is it?"
Yet heaven knows I was not a Puritan--and never shall be. I just adored things bright and beautiful. Music, too, in moderation, was my delight; and Susan Monnerie with her small, sweet voice would sometimes sing to me in one room while--in an almost unbearable homesickness--I listened in another. Concerts in general, however, left every muscle of my body as stiff with rheumatism as it was after my visit to Mr Moss"s farm-house. The unexpected blare of a bra.s.s band simply froze my spine; and a really fine performance on the piano was sheer torture. Once, indeed, when Mrs Monnerie"s carriage was one of a mellay cl.u.s.tered together while the Queen drove by, in the appalling clamour of the Lancers" trombones and kettledrums, I fell prostrate in a kind of fit.
So it was my silly nerves that cheated me of my one and only chance to huzza a Crowned Head not, if I may say so without disrespect, so very many sizes larger than my own.
Alas, Mrs Monnerie was an enthusiast for all the pleasures of the senses. I verily believe that it was only my vanity which prevented me from becoming as inordinately fat as Sir William Forbes-Smith"s white meat threatened to make me.
Brightest novelty of all was my first visit to a theatre--the London night, the glare and clamour of the streets, the packed white rows of faces, the sea-like noise of talk, the glitter, shimmer, dazzle--it filled my veins with quicksilver; my heart seemed to be throbbing in my breast as fast as Mrs Monnerie"s watch. Fortunately she had remembered to take our seats on the farther side from the bra.s.s and drums of the orchestra. I restrained my shivers; the lights went out; and in the congregated gloom softly stole up the curtain on the ballet.
Perched up there in the velvet obscurity of our box, I surveyed a woodland scene, ruins, distant mountains, a rocky stream on which an enormous moon shone, and actually moved in the theatrical heavens. And when an exquisite figure floated, pale, gauzy, and a-tiptoe, into those artificial solitudes, drenched with filmy light; with a far cry of "f.a.n.n.y!" my heart suddenly stood still; and all the old stubborn infatuation flooded heavily back upon me once more.
Susan sat ghostlike, serenely smiling. Percy"s narrow jaws were working on their hinges like those of a rabbit I had seen through my grandfather"s spygla.s.s nibbling a root of dandelion. Mrs Monnerie reclined in her chair, hands on lap, with pursed-up mouth and weary eyes. There was n.o.body to confide in, then. But when from either side of the brightening stage flocked in winged creatures with lackadaisical arms and waxlike smilings, whose paint and powder caught back my mind rather than my feelings, my first light-of-foot was hovering beneath us close to the flaring footlights; and she was now no more f.a.n.n.y than the circle of illuminated parchment over her head was the enchanting moon.
What a complicated world it was with all these _layers_! The experience filled me with a hundred disquieting desires, and yet again, chiefest of them was that which made sensitive the stumps where, if I turned into a bird, my wings would grow, and which bade me "escape."
"She"s getting devilish old and creaky on her pins," yawned Percy, when the curtain had descended, and I had sighingly shrunk back into my own ta.s.selled nook from the noise and emptiness of actuality.
"No," said Mrs Monnerie, "it is you, Percy, who are getting old. You were born blase. You"ll be positively yawning your head off at the Last Trump."
"Dear Aunt Alice," said Percy, squinting through his opera-gla.s.ses, "nothing of the kind. I shall be helping you to find the mislaid knucklebones. Besides, it"s better to be born----"
But the rest of his sentence--and I listened to him only because I hated him--pa.s.sed unheeded, for all my attention had been drawn to Susan. The hand beside me had suddenly clutched at her silk skirt, and a flush, gay as the Queen"s Union Jacks in Bond Street, had mounted into her clear, pale cheek, as with averted chin she sat looking down upon some one in the stalls. At sight of her blushing, a richer fondness for her lightened my mind. I followed her eye to its goal, and gazed enthralled, now up, now down, stringing all kinds of little beads of thoughts together; until, perhaps conscious that she was being watched, she turned and caught me. Flamed up her cheeks yet hotter; and now mine too; for my spirits had suddenly sunk into my shoes at the remembrance of Wanderslore and my "ghostly, gloating little dwarfish creature." Then once more darkness stole over the vast, quieting house, and the curtain re-ascended upon Romance.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Instead of its being a month as had been arranged, it was over six weeks before I was deposited again with my elegant dressing-case--a mere flying visitor--on Mrs Bowater"s doorstep. A waft of cooked air floated out into the June sunshine through the letter-box. Then, in the open door, just as of old, flushed and hot in her black clothes, there stood my old friend, indescribably the same, indescribably different. She knelt down on her own doormat, and we exchanged loving greetings. Once more I trod beneath the wreathing, guardian horns, circ.u.mnavigated the age-stained eight-day clock, and so into my parlour.
Nothing was changed. There stood the shepherdess ogling the shepherd; there hung Mr Bowater; there dangled the chandelier; there angled the same half-dozen flies. Not a leg, caster, or antimaca.s.sar was out of place. Yet how steadfastly I had to keep my back turned on my landlady lest she should witness my discomfiture. Faded, dingy, crowded, shrunken--it seemed unbelievable, as I glanced around me, that here I could have lived and breathed so many months, and been so ridiculously miserable, so tragically happy. All that bygone happiness and wretchedness seemed, for the moment, mere waste and folly. And not only that--"common." I climbed Mr Bates"s clumsy staircase, put down my dressing-case, and slowly removing my gloves, faced dimly the curtained window. Beyond it lay the distant hills, misty in the morning sunbeams, the familiar meadows all but chin-high with b.u.t.tercups.
"Oh, Mrs Bowater," I turned at last, "here I am. You and the quiet sky--I wish I had never gone away. What is the use of being one"s self, if one is always changing?"
"There comes a time, miss, when we don"t change; only the outer walls crumble away morsel by morsel, so to speak. But that"s not for you yet.
Still, that"s the reason. Me and the old sticks are just what we were, at least to the eye; and you--well, there!--the house has been like a cage with the bird gone."
She stood looking at me with one long finger stretching bonily out on the black and crimson tablecloth, a shining sea of loving kindness in her eyes. "I can see they have taken good care of you and all, preened the pretty feathers. Why, you are a bit plumper in figure, miss; only the voice a little different, perhaps." The last words were uttered almost beneath her breath.
"My voice, Mrs Bowater; oh, they cannot have altered _that_."
"Indeed they have, miss; neater-twisted, as you might say; but not scarcely to be noticed by any but a very old friend. Maybe you are a little tired with your long drive and those two solemnities on the box.
I remember the same thing--the change of voice--when f.a.n.n.y came back from her first term at Miss Stebbings"."
"How is she?" I inquired in even tones. "She has never written to me.
Not a word."
But, strange to say, as Mrs Bowater explained, and not without a symptom of triumph, that"s just what f.a.n.n.y _had_ done. Her letter was awaiting me on the mantelpiece, tucked in behind a plush-framed photograph.
"Now, let me see," she went on, "there"s hot water in your basin, miss--I heard the carriage on the hill; a pair of slippers to ease your feet, in case in the hurry of packing they"d been forgot; and your strawberries and cream are out there icing themselves on the tray. So we shan"t be no time, though disturbing news has come from Mr Bowater, his leg not mending as it might have been foreseen--but that can wait."
An unfamiliar Miss M. brushed her hair in front of me in the familiar looking-gla.s.s. It was not that her Monnerie raiment was particularly flattering, or she, indeed, pleasanter to look at--rather the contrary: and I gazed long and earnestly into the gla.s.s. But art has furtive and bewitching fingers. While in my home-made clothes I had looked just myself, in these I looked like one or other of my guardian angels, or perhaps, as an unprejudiced Fleming would have expressed it--the perfect lady. How gradual must have been the change in me to have pa.s.sed thus unnoticed. But I didn"t want to think. I felt dulled and dispirited.
Even Mrs Bowater had not been so entranced to see me as I had antic.i.p.ated. It was tiresome to be disappointed. I rummaged in a bottom drawer, got out an old gown, made a grimace at myself in my mind, and sat down to f.a.n.n.y"s letter. But then again, what are externals? Who was this cool-tempered Miss M. who was now scanning the once heartrending handwriting?
"DEAR MIDGETINA,--When this will reach you, I don"t know. But somehow I cannot, or rather I can, imagine you the cynosure of the complete peerage, and prefer that my poor little letter should not uprear its modest head in the midst of all that Granjer. You may not agree--but if a few weeks of a High Life that may possibly continue into infinity has made _no_ difference to you, then f.a.n.n.y is not among the prophets.
"We have not met since--we parted. But did you ever know a "dead past" bury itself with such ingratiating rapidity? Have you in your sublime pa.s.sion for Nature ever watched a s.e.xton Beetle? But, mind you, I have helped. The further all that slips away, the less I can see I was to blame for it. What"s in your blood needs little help from outside. Cynical it may sound; but imagine the situation if I _had_ married him! What could existence have been but a Nightmare-Life-in-Death? (_Vide_ S. T. Coleridge). Now the Dream continues--for us both.
"Oh, yes, I can see your little face needling up at this. But you must remember, dear Midgetina, that you will never, never be able to see things in a truly human perspective. Few people, of course, try to. You do. But though your view may be delicate as gossamer and clear as a gla.s.s marble, it can"t be full-size. Boil a thing down, it isn"t the _same_. What remains has the virtues of an essence, but not the volume of its origin. This sounds horribly _school-booky_; but I am quite convinced you are too concentrated.
And I being what I am, only the full volume can be my salvation.
Enough. The text is as good as the sermon--far better, in fact.
"Now I am going to be still more callous. My own little private worries have come right--been made to. I"m t.i.t for tat, that is, and wiser for it beyond words. Some day, when Society has taught you all its lessons, I will explain further. Anyhow, first I send you back 3 of what I owe you. And thank you. Next I want you to find out from Mrs Mummery (as mother calls her--or did), if among her distinguished acquaintance she knows any one with one or two, or at most three, small and adorable children who need an excellent governess. Things have made it undesirable for me to stay on here much longer. It shall be I who give notice, or, shall we say, terminate the engagement.
"Be an angel, then. First, wake up. Candidly, to think me better than I am is more grossly unfair than if I thought you taller than you are. Next, sweet cynosure, find me a sinecure. Don"t trouble about salary. (You _wouldn"t_, you positive acorn of quixoticism, not if I owed you half a million.) But remember: _Wanted by the end of August at latest, a Lady, wealthy, amiable, with two Cherubic Doves in family, boys preferred_. The simple, naked fact being that after this last bout of life"s fitful fever, I pine for a nap.
"Of course mother can see this letter if she wishes to, and you don"t mind. But personally I should prefer to have the bird actually fluttering in my hand before she contemplates it in the bush.
"I said _pine_ just now. Do you ever find a word suddenly so crammed with meaning that at any moment it threatens to explode?
Well, Midgetina, them"s my sentiments. Penitent I shall never be, until I take the veil. But I have once or twice lately awoke in a kind of gla.s.sy darkness--beyond all moonshine--alone. Then, if I hadn"t been born just thick-ribbed, unmeltable ice--well....