Invitations were sent out to the elect on inch-square cards embossed with my family crest and motto--a giant, head and shoulders, brandishing a club, and _Non Omnis Moriar_.[1] She not only postponed her annual departure from town, but, as did the great man in the parable, _compelled_ her friends to come in. She exhausted her ingenuity on the menu. The great, on this occasion, were to feast on the tiny. A copy of it lies beside me now, though, unfortunately, I did not examine it when I sat down to dinner. Last, but not least, Percy"s pastry-cooks, Messrs Buszard, designed a seven-tiered birthday-cake, surrounded on its lowermost plateau by one-and-twenty sugar-figures, about a quarter life-size, and each of them bearing on high a silver torch.
Their names were inscribed on their sugar pediments: Lady Morgan (the Windsor Fairy); Queen Elizabeth"s Mrs Tomysen; the Empress Julia"s Andromeda; the great little, little great Miss Billing of Tilbury; Anne Rouse and poor Ann Colling; the Sicilian Mlle Caroline Crachami (who went to the anatomists); Nannette Stocker (33 inches, 33 lbs.
avoirdupois at 33); the blessed and tender Anastasia Boruwlaski; Gaganini; the gentle Miss Selby of Bath; Alethea (the Guernsey Nymph); Madame Teresa (the Corsican Fairy); Mrs Jeykll Skinner; the appalling Nono; Mrs Anne Gibson (_nee_ Shepherd); and the rest.
It was a joke, none the worse, maybe, for being old; and Peter the Great must have turned in his grave in envy of Mrs Monnerie"s ingenuity.
It may scarcely be believed, but I had become so hardened to such little waggeries that under the genial eye of Mrs Monnerie I made the circuit of this cake with a smile; and even scolded her for omitting the redoubtable Mrs Bellamy with her life-size family of nine. I criticized the images too, as not to be compared, even as sugar, with the alabaster William of Windsor and Blanche, in the Tower.
The truth is, when real revulsions of body and soul come, they come in a gush, all at once. Fleming, on the Night, was actually putting the last touches to my coiffure when suddenly, with a wicked curse, I turned from the great gla.s.s and announced my decision. Tiny tortoisesh.e.l.l comb uplifted, she stood in the clear l.u.s.trousness looking in at my reflection, queer thoughts darting about in her eyes. At first she supposed it was but another fit of petulance. Then her hatred and disgust of me all but overcame her.
She quietly argued. I insisted. But she was mortally afraid of Mrs Monnerie, and rather than deliver my message to her, sought out Susan.
Poor Susan. She, too, was afraid: and it was her face rather than her love that won me over at last. Then she had to rush away to make what excuse she could for my unpunctuality. It thus came about that Mrs Monnerie"s guests had already sat down to table, and were one and all being extremely amused by some story she was entertaining them with, when Marvell threw open the great mahogany doors for me, and I made my solitary entry.
In primrose silk, _a la Pompadour_, a wreath of tight-shut pimpernels in my hair--it is just possible that Mrs Monnerie suspected I had chosen to come in late like this merely for effect. But that would have been an even feebler exhibition of vanity than _I_ was capable of. All her guests were known to me, even though only one of them was of my choosing; for Mrs Bowater was in the Argentine, Sir Walter in France, Miss Fenne on her deathbed, Mr Pellew in retreat, and Mr Crimble in his grave. f.a.n.n.y was my all.
She was sitting four or five chairs away from me on my left, between Percy (who had on his right hand a beautiful long-faced girl in turquoise green) and Captain Valentine. Further down, and on the other side of the table, sat Lady Maudlen--a seal-like lady, who, according to f.a.n.n.y, disapproved of me on religious grounds--while I was on Mrs Monnerie"s left, and next to Lord Chiltern. Alas, even my old friend the "Black Pudding" was too far distant to do more than twinkle "Courage!"
at me, when our eyes met.
Recollections of that disastrous evening are clouded. So evil with dreams my nights had been that I hardly knew whether I was awake or asleep. But I recall the long perspective of the table, the beards, the busts, the pearls, the camellias and gardenias, the cornucopias, and that glistening Folly Castle, my Birthday Cake. Marvell is behind me, and Adam Waggett is ducketing in the luminous distance. The clatter of many tongues beats on my ear. Mrs Monnerie murmurs and gently rocks. The great silver dishes dip and withdraw. Corks pop, and the fumes of meat and wine cloud into the air. In memory it is as if I myself were far away, as if I had read of the scene in a book.
But two moments stand vividly out of its unreality--and each of them to my shame. A small, wreathed, silver-gilt dish was placed before me.
Automatically I thrust my spoon into its jelly, and pecked at the flavourless morsels. Sheer nervousness had deprived me of my sense of taste. But there was something in Mrs Monnerie"s sly silence, and Lord Chiltern"s solemn monocle, and Percy"s sn.i.g.g.e.r, that set me speculating.
"Angelic Tomt.i.tiska!" sighed Mrs Monnerie, "I wager when she returns to Paradise, she will sit in a corner and forget to tune her harp."
There was no shade of vexation in her voice, only amiable amus.e.m.e.nt; but those sitting near had overheard her little pleasantry, and smilingly watched me as, casting my eye down the menu--_Consomme aux Nids d"Hirondelles_, _Filets de Blanchailles a la Diable_, _Ailes de Caille aux pet.i.ts pois Minnie Stratton_, _Sauterelles aux Caroubes Saint Jean_, it was caught at last by a pretty gilt flourishing around the words, _Supreme de Langues de Rossignols_. This, then, was the dainty jest, the _clou du repas_. The faint gold words shimmered back at me. In an instant I was a child again at Lyndsey, lulling to sleep on my pillow amid the echoing songs of the nightingales that used to nest in its pleasant lanes. I sat flaming, my tongue clotted with disgust. I simply couldn"t swallow; and didn"t. But never mind.
This was my first mishap. Though her own appet.i.te was capricious, ranging from an almost incredible voracity to a sc.r.a.p of dry toast, nothing vexed Mrs Monnerie so much as to see my poor, squeamish stomach revolting at the sight of meat. She drew up a naked shoulder against me, and the feast proceeded with its chief guest in the shade. Once I could soon have regained my composure. Now I languished, careless even of the expression on my face. Not even the little mincing smile f.a.n.n.y always reserved for me in company could restore me, and it was at her whisper that Percy stole down and filled my acorn gla.s.s with a translucent green liquid which he had himself secured from the sideboard. I watched the slow, green flow of it from the lip of the decanter without a thought in my head. Lord Chiltern endeavoured to restore my drooping spirits. I had outrageously misjudged him. He was _not_ one of Mrs Monnerie"s stupid friends, and he really did his utmost to be kind to me. If he should ever read these words, may he be sure that Miss M. is grateful. But his kindness fell on stony ground. And when, at length, he rose to propose my health, I crouched beneath him shameful, haggard, and woebegone.
It was as minute a speech as was she whom it flattered, and far more graceful. Nothing, of course, would satisfy its audience when the toast had been honoured, but that Miss M. should reply. One single, desperate glance I cast at Mrs Monnerie. She sat immovable as the Sphinx. There was no help for it. Knees knocking together, utterly tongue-tied, I stood up in my chair, and surveyed the two converging rows of smiling, curious faces. Despair gave me counsel. I stooped, raised my gla.s.s, and half in dread, half in bravado, tossed down its burning contents at a gulp.
The green syrup coursed along vein and artery like molten lead. A horrifying transparency began to spread over my mind. It seemed it had become in that instant empty and radiant as a dome of gla.s.s. All sounds hushed away. Things near faded into an infinite distance. Every face, glossed with light as if varnished, became lifeless, brutal, and inhuman, the grotesque caricature of a shadowy countenance that hung somewhere remote in memory, yet was invisible and irrevocable. In this dead moment--the whole blazing scene like a nowhere of the imagination--my wandering eyes met f.a.n.n.y"s. She was softly languishing up at Captain Valentine, her fingers toying with a rose. And it seemed as though her once loved spirit cried homelessly out at me from s.p.a.ce, as if for refuge and recognition; and a long-hidden flood broke bounds in my heart. All else forgotten, and obeying mechanically the force of long habit, I stepped up from my chair on to the table, and staggered towards her, upsetting, as I went, a shallow gla.s.s of bubbling wine. It reeked up in the air around me.
"f.a.n.n.y, f.a.n.n.y," I called to her out of my swoon, "Ah, f.a.n.n.y. Holy Dying, Holy Dying! _Sauve qui peut!_" With empty, shocking face, she started back, appalled, like a wounded snake.
"Oh!" she cried in horror into the sleep that was now mounting my body like a cloud, "oh!" Her hand swept out blindly in my direction as if to fend me off. At best my balance was insecure; and though the velvet petals of her rose scarcely grazed my cheek, the insane glaze of my mind was already darkening, I toppled and fell in a heap beside her plate.
FOOTNOTE:
[1] To be truthful, this is not my family motto (_nor_ crest); but the real motto seemed a little too satirical to share with Mrs Monnerie; and however overweening its subst.i.tute may appear, I have now hopes, and now misgivings, that it is true.
Monk"s House
Chapter Forty-Four
Thus then I came of age, though not on St Rosa"s day. However dramatic and memorable, I grant it was not a courteous method of acknowledging Lord Chiltern"s courtesy. In the good old days the drunken dwarf would have been jovially tossed from hand to hand. From mind to mind was my much milder penalty. And yet this poor little _contretemps_ was of a sort that required "hushing up"; so it kept tongues wagging for many a day. It was little comfort that Percy shared my disgrace, and even Susan, for "giving way."
She it was who had lifted my body from the table and carried it up into darkness and quiet. In the half light of my bedroom I remember I opened my eyes for a moment--eyes which refused to stay still in their sockets, but were yet capable of noticing that the left hand which clasped mine had lost its ring. I tried to point it out to her. She was crying.
Philippina sober was awakened the next morning by the fingers of Mrs Monnerie herself. She must have withdrawn the kindly sheet from my face, and, with nightmare still babbling on my lips, I looked up into the familiar features, a little grey and anxious, but creased up into every appearance of goodwill.
"Not so excessively unwisely, then," she rallied me, "and only the least little thought too well. We have been quite anxious about Bebe, haven"t we, Fleming?"
"Quite, madam. A little indigestion, that"s all."
"Yes, yes; a little indigestion, that"s all," Mrs Monnerie agreed: "and I am sure Poppet doesn"t want those tiresome doctors with their horrid physic."
I sat up, blinking from one to the other. "I think it was the green stuff," I muttered, tongue and throat as dry as paper. I could scarcely see out of my eyes for the racking stabs of pain beneath my skull.
"Yes, yes," was the soothing response. "But you mustn"t agitate yourself, silly child. Don"t open your eyes like that. The heat of the room, the excitement, some little obstinate dainty. Now, one of those darling little pills, and a cooling draught, perhaps. Thank you, Fleming."
The door closed, we were left alone. Mrs Monnerie"s scrutiny drifted away. Their shutters all but closed down on the black-brown pupils. My head pined for its pillows, my shoulders for some vestige of defence, but pined in vain. For the first time I felt afraid of Mrs Monnerie. She was thinking so densely and heavily.
Yet, as if out of a cloud of pure absentmindedness, dropped softly her next remark. "Does pretty Pusskin remember what she _said_ to Miss Bowater?... No?... Well, then, if she can"t, it"s quite certain n.o.body else can--or wishes to. I inquired merely because the poor thing, who has been really n.o.bly devoting herself to her duties, seems so hurt.
Well, it shall be a little lesson--to us all. Though one swallow does not make a summer, my child, one hornet can make things extremely unpleasant. Not that I----" A vast shrug of the shoulders completed the sentence. "A little talk and tact will soon set _that_ right; and I am perfectly satisfied, perfectly satisfied with things as they are. So that"s settled. Some day you must tell me a little more about your family history. Meanwhile, rest and quiet. No more excitement, no more company, and no more"--she bent low over me with wagging head--"no more _green stuff_. And then"--her eyes rested on me with a peculiar zest rather than with any actual animosity--"then we must see what can be done for you."
There came a tap--and Percy showed in the doorway.
"I thought, Aunt Alice, I thought----" he began, but at sight of the morose, heavy countenance lifted up to him, he shut his mouth.
"Thank you," said Mrs Monnerie, "thank you, Sir Galahad; you did nothing of the kind."
Whereupon her nephew wheeled himself out of the room so swiftly that I could not detect what kind of exotics he was carrying in a little posy in his hand.
So the invalid, now a burden on the mind of her caretaker many times her own weight, was exiled for ever from No. 2. Poor Fleming, sniffier and more disgusted than ever, was deputed to carry me off to the smaller of Mrs Monnerie"s country retreats, a long, low-roofed, shallow-staired house lying in the green under the downs at Croomham. There I was to vegetate for a time and repent of my sins.
Percy"s fiery syrup took longer to withdraw its sweet influences than might have been foreseen. Indeed, whenever I think of him, its effects are faintly renewed, though not, I trust, to the detriment of my style!
None too strong physically, the Miss M. that sat up at her latticed window at Monk"s House during those few last interminable August days, was very busy with her thoughts. As she looked down for hours together on the gnarled, thick-leafed old mulberry-tree in the corner of the lawn that swept up to the very stones of the house, and on the walled, sun-drugged garden beyond, she was for ever debating that old, old problem; what could be done _by_ herself _with_ herself?
The doves crooned; the cawing rooks flapped black into the blue above the neighbouring woods; the earth drowsed on. It was a scene of peace and decay. But I seemed to have lost the charm that could have made it mine. I was an Ishmael. And worse--I was still a prisoner. No criminal at death"s door can have brooded more laboriously on his chances of escape. No wonder the voices of childhood had whispered, Away!
There came a long night of rain. I lay listening to the whisper and clucking of its waters. Far away the lapwings called: Ee-ooeet!
Ee-ooeet! What follies I had been guilty of. How wilily circ.u.mstance had connived at them. Yet I was no true penitent. My heart was empty, so parched up that neither love nor remorse had any place in it. Revenge seemed far sweeter. Driven into this corner, I sent a desperate word to Sir W. It remained unanswered, and this friend followed the rest into the wilderness of my ingrat.i.tude.
But that brought me no relief. For of all the sins I have ever committed, envy and hatred seem to me the most unpleasant to practise. I was to learn also that "he who sows hatred shall gather rue," and "bed with thistles." With eyes at last as anxious as Jezebel"s, I resumed my watch at the window. But even if Percy had ridden from London solely to order Fleming to throw me down, she would not have "demeaned" herself to set hands on me. She might be bold, but she, too, was fastidious.
Then Fleming herself one afternoon softly and suddenly vanished away--on her summer"s holiday. Poor thing; so acute was the chronic indigestion caused by _her_ obstinate little dainty that she did not even bid me good-bye.
She left me in charge of the housekeeper, Mrs French, a stout, flushed, horse-faced woman, who now and then came in and bawled good-humouredly at me as if I were deaf, but otherwise ignored me altogether. I now spent most of my time in the garden, listlessly wandering out of sight of the windows (and gardeners), along its lank-flowered, rose-petalled walks, hating its beauty. Or I would sit where I could hear the waterdrops in a well. The very thought of company was detestable. I sat there half-dead, without book or needle, with scarcely a thought in my head. In my library days at No. 2 I had become a perfect slave to pleasures of the intellect. But now dyspepsia had set in there too.