It would give me sensible regret were my admission to establish a precedent which might give umbrage to the bar; but, should your opinion accord with my wishes, with respect to the indulgence due to my particular case, the expression of it, to any gentleman of the profession, would doubtless remove the possibility of discontent.
Perhaps I a.s.sume a freedom which personal acquaintance only could warrant. I beg, sir, you will ascribe it to the reliance I am taught to place on your goodness, and the confidence with which your character inspires even those who have no other t.i.tle to your notice.
Whatever may be the success of my present designs, I shall do myself the honour of waiting on you, and a.s.suring you, in person, of the respect and esteem with which I am your obedient servant,
A. BURR.
Colonel Burr frequently impressed upon those with whom he was in the habit of a regular correspondence, the advantage of committing to paper daily, in the form of a journal, such thoughts or ideas as occurred and were deemed desirable to repeat. He adopted this form in his communications with Mrs. Prevost. The following is a specimen:--
Albany, Thursday, December 3d, 1781.
I am at length arrived at my destined haven, and, what is very unusual for me, have been successful in several trivial circ.u.mstances, such as getting over the ferry (which is difficult at this season), finding temporary quarters for my chevaux without difficulty or delay. I cannot help regarding these as harbingers of good luck. I am, however, not fortunate in finding Judge Yates. He is from home. G. civil, but unwell. The room promised me is not fitted; must therefore seek other lodgings. Bon soir. Visit me in my slumbers.
Friday night, December 4th.
Till sunset I was in doubt whether I should not be obliged to leave Albany for want of quarters. Have at length found tolerable. No price yet fixed. Probably not less than trois piasters the week. A day completely lost, and I, of course, in ill humour with every thing but thee.
Sat.u.r.day, December 5th.
A sick headache this whole day. I earned it by eating last night a hearty supper of Dutch sausages, and going to bed immediately after. I am surprised it did not operate in the way of my disorder, which was formerly the certain consequence of every error in diet; but no symptom of that, though I was very restless.
I took the true Indian cure for the headache. Made a light breakfast of tea, stretched myself on a blanket before the fire, fasted till evening, and then tea again. I thought, through the whole day, that if you could sit by me, and stroke my head with your little hand, it would be well; and that, when we are formally united, far from deeming a return of this disorder un malheur, I should esteem it a fortunate apology for a day of luxurious indulgence, which I should not otherwise allow myself or you.
Most unexpectedly, Lewis called upon me this evening, civilly offered me his house, and asked me to dine. I was wrong, I think, to accept his invitation, but this did not strike me till I had engaged. Must dine there to-morrow.
Sunday, 6th December.
This is the third day in town, and no business done. These two days past I have been studying the second volume of Rousseau. G. is returned. He never appeared more unlike himself. I was somehow uncommonly stupid, and, would you believe it, even awkward. Said very little, and that little with hesitation. You know there are days when every thing goes against one. Paid little attention to anybody (that little, somehow, ill timed), and received still less from them.
How could we forget Latimer? He has sung Theodosia"s praise among the southern army in terms with which her best friends must be pleased. He has also established the character of A. Burr. Quackenbush is determined to be civil. Says his visits will be frequent.
Yates is returned. More of him to-morrow. An old, weather-beaten lady, Miss Depeyster, has given the whole history of Burr, and much of Theo., but nothing unfavourable. In a place where Burr thought himself a stranger, there is scarce any age or s.e.x that does not, either from in formation or acquaintance, know something of him.
I am surprised I forgot to advise you to get a Franklin fireplace.
They have not the inconvenience of stoves, are warm, save wood, and never smoke. The cost will not be, probably, more than ten or fifteen dollars, which will be twice saved this winter in wood and _comfort_, and they may be moved anywhere. If you have fears about _brat_, [Foonote: Mrs. Prevost"s youngest child.] I have none. He will never burn himself but once; and, by way of preventive, I would advise you to do that for him. It will be put up in a few hours by anybody. I am in doubt whether it will be best to have it in the common room or one of the back rooms. The latter will have many advantages. You may then have a place sacred to love, reflection, and books. This, however, as you find best; but that you have one I am determined, unless you can give some better reason against it than I at present know of. Indeed, I would wish you had two. You will get them with no trouble from the Salisbury furnace. It is of the first importance that you suffer as little as possible the present winter. It may, in a great measure, determine your health ever after. I confess I have still some transient distrusts that you set too little value on your own life and comfort. Remember, it is not yours alone; but your letters shall convince me. I waive the subject.
I am not certain I shall be regularly punctual in writing you in this manner every day when I get at business; but I shall, if possible, devote one quarter of an hour a day to you. In return, I demand one half of an hour every day from you; more I forbid, unless on special occasions. This half hour is to be mine, to be invariably at the same time, and, for that purpose, fixed at an hour least liable to interruption, and as you shall find most convenient. Mine cannot be so regular, as I only indulge myself in it when I am fatigued with business. The children will have each their sheet, and, at the given hour, write, if but a single word Burr, at this half hour is to be a kind of watchword.
Monday, 7th December.
I keep always a memorandum for you, on which, when I think of any thing at any time of day that I wish to write, I make a short note in a manner which no other person would understand. When I sit down to write I have nothing to do but look at my memorandum. I would recommend the same to you, unless you rather choose to write at the moment when you think of any thing.
I have continually felt some apprehensions about the success of Troup with the court. The Springs are but twenty-eight miles from Albany; I will meet you there.
Phil. Van Rensselaer, whom I have never before seen, has been to introduce himself, and tender his services of every kind. He is of the most respectable and richest inhabitants.
Tuesday, 8th December.
No place yet; but, that time need not be lost, I have been looking over Rousseau"s 4th volume. I imagine ----- gathered thence his sentiments on the subject of jealousy. If so, he has grossly mistaken the ideas of Rousseau. Do you discover a symptom of it? Far otherwise.
You see only confidence and love. That jealousy for which you are an advocate, he condemns as appertaining to brutes and sensualists.
Discard, I beseech you, ideas so degrading to true love. I am mortified with the reflection that they were ever yours.
I think ----- must have taken pains to have overlooked the following paragraph, when, in enumerating the duties of a woman towards a lover or husband, he makes it princ.i.p.ally to consist "in respecting themselves, in order to acquire respect. How delightful are these privileges! How respectable are they! how cordially do men prize them, when a woman knows how to render them estimable." I fear ----- will be convinced of this but too late. I am glad to find, however, that the idea so often urged (in vain) by me, is not a mere vagary of my own brain, but is supported by so good authority.
Wednesday, 9th December.
I have this day made a feint at law. But, were my life at stake, it could not command my attention.
Thursday, 10th December.
We have about twelve or fourteen inches of snow. When you read my letters I wish you would make minutes at the time of such facts as require an answer; for, if you trust your memory till the time of writing, you will omit half you would otherwise say.
Friday, 11th December.
I really wish much to know the conduct of -----. It is, however, more curiosity than anxiety. It would be childish to build any part of one"s happiness on a basis so unstable.
The Van Rensselaer before mentioned, and henceforth to be designated by _Ll_., proves to be a phenomenon of goodness and (can you believe it) even tenderness. Tenderness, I hear you cry, in a Hollandois! But hold your injustice; the character and fine heart of Van Rensselaer will, I think, in future, remove your prejudice, especially when you add to this his marked attention and civility.
Sat.u.r.day, 12th December.
Van Rensselaer finds fault with my quarters, which, indeed, are far removed from elegance, and, in some respects, from convenience. He insists that I suffer him to provide me better.
I have not hitherto had an hour of Yates. His reasons, however, have been good. On Monday we are to mangle law.
Sunday, 13th December.
Van Rensselaer has succeeded perfectly to my wish. I am with two maidens, aunts of his, obliging and (incredible!!) good-natured. The very paragon of neatness. Not an article of furniture, even to a teakettle, that would soil a muslin handkerchief. I have two upper rooms. I was interrupted at the line above, and cannot now, for my life, recollect what I was intending to write. I leave it, however, to plague you as it has done me.
Monday, 14th December.
I really fear Yates is playing the fool with me. Still evasive, though plausibly so. I have just had an interview. To-morrow I must and will come to a positive eclairciss.e.m.e.nt.
I am determined, in future, when doubt arises in my mind whether I shall write a thing or not, invariably to write it. You recollect -----"s advising that Carlos [3] should learn the violin.
G. was unkind enough to remind him that he was formerly opposed to that opinion. There was a degree of insult in this reproach of which I did not think G. capable. I truly believe he did not reflect on the tendency of it. I do not remember that he is apt to take such unfair advantage of his friends. Happy they who can make improvement of each other"s errors. The necessary, but dear-bought knowledge of experience, is earned at double cost by those who reap alone.
Since I left you, I have not taken pen in hand without intending to write you. I am happy in having done it, for I now feel perfectly relieved.
Tuesday, 15th December.
Yesterday was partly a day of business. The evening wholly and advantageously so. This day has been rather a feint. Yates engaged. I beg ten thousand pardons of Miss Depeyster; she is our warm friend and advocate. One Bogart, at Tappan, is the scoundrel.
Wednesday, 16th December.
I perceive this letter-writing will not answer; though I write very little, it is still half my business; for, whenever I find myself either at a loss what to do, or any how discomposed or dull, I fly to these sheets, and even if I do not write, I ponder upon it, and in this way sacrifice many hours without reflecting that time pa.s.ses away. Yates still backward, but the day tolerably spent.
I have also been busy in fixing a Franklin fireplace for myself. I shall have it completed to-morrow. I am resolved you shall have one or two of them. You have no idea of their convenience, and you can at any time remove them.
I expect to despatch Carlos to-morrow. I think I have already mentioned that I wrote you from Kinderhook, and also this week by Colonel Lewis, enclosed to our friend at Sharon.