"You have to buy me dinner first."
"Turn around around," the cop said, more angrily this time. His thumb flicked the snap of the holster.
"Okay, okay, no need for that. Can I see some ID though?"
The cop looked sternly at Mercury for a moment, then started to laugh. He reached into his belt and pulled out a small piece of charred paper. He held it up for Mercury to see.
It was the ace of spades.
The cop flicked the card at Mercury. It twirled and landed at his feet, face down. A pair of bicycle-riding cherubim adorned the back.
"Striking resemblance, isn"t it?" the cop said. He holstered his gun and removed his helmet. The man could have been Mercury"s brother.
"Gamaliel," said Mercury coldly. "I suppose that"s Izbazel back there."
The cop on the bike smiled and waved.
"They"re cherubim," said Mercury to Christine.
"Oh, thank G.o.d," said Christine, stepping out of the car. "We thought you were going to arrest us for kidnapping, or being involved in the a.s.sa.s.sination attempt. You have no idea how relieved "
"That was pretty stupid, using the Attache Case of War," Gamaliel said. "You made it very easy to find you. Good thing we started intercepting the signals after the pillar of fire destroyed your house. That was impressive, by the way. You"ve evidently made someone very angry."
"Evidently," said Mercury.
"You know what we want, Mercury."
"Well," said Mercury, "If you"re anything like me, a Styx reunion tour is pretty high on the list."
"Give him to me."
Mercury started, "I"m sure I don"t "
"The Antichrist, Mercury. Hand him over."
"Hang on," said Christine. "We just saved this guy"s a.s.s. What exactly are you planning on "
Gamaliel pulled his gun. "Obviously," he said flatly, "we"re going to kill him," he said.
FIFTEEN.
It was a testament to Mercury"s persuasiveness that he was able to convince Gamaliel and Izbazel to sit down over a cup of coffee like civilized beings and work out what was to be done with Karl the Antichrist. It was a testament to Karl"s incessant whining that they ended up at another Charlie"s Grill, just three miles down the highway from the last one, watching him scarf down three cheeseburgers.
"So you see," Izbazel was saying, "We"re the good guys here."
"How do you figure?" Christine asked.
"No Antichrist, no Apocalypse. Having an Apocalypse without the Antichrist is like... help me out here, Gamaliel."
Gamaliel started, "It"s like..."
"The King and I without Yul Brynner," Mercury said. without Yul Brynner," Mercury said.
Izbazel"s brow furrowed. "Hasn"t Yul Brynner been dead since like..."
"1985," Christine said. "I tried to tell him. So you want to kill"
"Eliminate a key component of the Apocalypse, yes," said Izbazel. a key component of the Apocalypse, yes," said Izbazel.
Karl looked long and hard at Izbazel, then said, "Are you gonna eat those fries? Did you know that I can eat here for free? You guys have to pay, though."
"He is is a d.i.c.kweed," muttered Mercury. a d.i.c.kweed," muttered Mercury.
Christine said, "You can"t just kill "
"Eliminate," said Izbazel. "And why not? Save millions of lives by eliminating one annoying little..."
"d.i.c.kweed," said Mercury. "Can we settle on "d.i.c.kweed"?"
Karl interjected, "Who did you say you guys were again?"
Izbazel spoke up. "We"re from the production company. We want to give you a cameo in the next Charlie Nyx movie."
"How much?" Karl said, his mouth full of fries.
"I"m sorry?" Izbazel said.
"How much do I get? I don"t do this stuff for free, you know. Why didn"t you guys get more ketchup? n.o.body ever gets enough ketchup."
"Don"t worry, Karl," said Izbazel. "You"ll be taken care of."
Christine had a bad feeling about Izbazel. He was smaller than Mercury and Gamaliel, and he had a grating voice and a nervous, fidgety way about him. He reminded Christine of the sort of door-to-door salesman who had a way of hinting not very subtly that if n.o.body bought the remarkable cleaning products he was selling, he might have to return to his career of stealing electronics from the homes in the neighborhood.
She was less certain what to make of Gamaliel. He was brawny and handsome, and had the easy-going way of the high school football star who hadn"t yet learned that his ability to throw a perfect touchdown pa.s.s was in no way going to translate into anything remotely useful in the real world. He seemed likeable enough, but there was something about him she didn"t quite trust either. Part of what troubled her was that while Izbazel seemed to be the one calling the shots, she couldn"t see Gamaliel falling for his sales pitch.
"How many of you are there?" asked Mercury.
Gamaliel smiled, revealing rows of perfectly formed, brilliantly white teeth. "Enough to throw a wrench into the SPAM."
"Is that movie lingo?" asked Karl. "You know what I"ve always wondered? What"s a "grip"? And what"s the difference between a "grip" and a "key grip"?"
"On whose authority are you acting?" Mercury asked.
Gamaliel glanced at Izbazel, who remained stony faced. Gamaliel shrugged. "Best not to say at this point."
Christine said, "So you guys are what are known as..."
"Fallen angels, yes," said Gamaliel. "Although I"m not certain the paperwork has gone through." He glanced at Izbazel, who shrugged.
Izbazel added, "We prefer the term "free spirits," of course. "Fallen" makes it sound like we"re just clumsy. I mean, it"s not like we tripped or something. "h.e.l.lo, what"s this? Someone needs to do something about that little rise in the floor there." It takes some chutzpah to declare your independence from the Heavenly bureaucracy."
Gamaliel continued, "Anyway, we"ll definitely be designated as Fallen if we don"t check in soon. As will your pal here, by the way. You might as well join us, Merc. You"re going on the list either way."
"I"m waiting to see how the first round draft picks go before I pick a team," said Mercury.
"In any case," Gamaliel explained to Christine, "Being a fallen angel isn"t as ominous as it sounds. It"s like when you got labeled "impertinent" in fourth grade.
Christine"s jaw dropped. "How the h.e.l.l...?"
"P.A.I." said Mercury. "It"s all in the dossier."
"Holy h.e.l.l," said Christine. "How did I I get sucked into all this?" get sucked into all this?"
"Not really sure," said Gamaliel. "The P.A.I. designations are made at a pretty high level. Above our pay grade, as it were."
Christine shook her head. "So let me get this straight: G.o.d tells you it"s time for the Apocalypse, and you decide to take it upon yourself to stop it?"
"Well," said Gamaliel. "First of all, it"s not like G.o.d held a press conference for all the angels. There"s quite a layer of bureaucracy between us and G.o.d."
"But... you"ve seen seen Him?" Him?"
"Oh, of course I"ve seen seen Him. Old guy, long flowing beard. Uncanny resemblance to Charlton Heston." Him. Old guy, long flowing beard. Uncanny resemblance to Charlton Heston."
"You"re making fun of me, aren"t you?" said Christine.
"Do you even believe in G.o.d, Christine?" asked Gamaliel.
"To be honest, I"m not entirely sure."
"Well then, I"m not entirely certain I"ve seen Him," said Gamaliel. "Fair enough?"
"But how can you not be certain whether you"ve seen G.o.d? Either you have or you haven"t."
"I would agree," said Gamaliel. "Either I have or I haven"t."
"So... which is it?"
"Not sure. How would I know?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, G.o.d isn"t a koala bear."
"I"m sorry?"
Gamaliel said, "It"s not like I can go down to the G.o.d exhibit at the Heaven Zoo and snap pictures of G.o.d munching on eucalyptus leaves, and say to myself, "Yep, that"s G.o.d alright, because it says so right there on the plaque." You mortals think that once you step outside the Mundane, everything is crystal clear. It"s true that some things become clearer, but whole new levels of ambiguity open up as well."
"So... angels are just as confused as human beings are?"
"Confused? Well, I suppose so. But we are confused on a higher level, and about more important things."
"Okay, but the SPAM, it presumably comes down from G.o.d Himself?"
"Presumably," said Gamaliel.
"So is it G.o.d who"s behind this Apocalypse? Or Lucifer?"
"Both," answered Izbazel. "The events of the Apocalypse are governed by a legal doc.u.ment called the Apocalypse Accord. G.o.d isn"t a direct signatory, of course. He doesn"t get involved at that level. The Accord was hammered out over several thousand years by various representatives of Heaven and h.e.l.l. And things are complicated by the fact that Lucifer isn"t the only demon with pretensions to world domination. There"s Beelzebub, for example. And Tiamat. A lot of us were actually betting on Tiamat to be the predominant demonic power. Lucifer was something of a dark horse. Hey, Mercury, didn"t you used to hang out with Tiamat back in the day?"
Mercury shrugged. If Christine didn"t know better, she"d have said he was embarra.s.sed. "I was on her staff for a bit in the third millennium B.C. I was on the ziggurat."
"You were on what?" said Gamaliel.
"The ziggurat. Step-pyramid. Everybody was building pyramids back then."
"Oh yeah," said Gamaliel. "The global pyramid race. What was that all about anyway?"
"Beats me," said Mercury. "It was just the thing to do at the time. n.o.body really put much thought into why. Pyramids were like the parachute pants of the third millennium B.C. The Egyptians schooled us all, of course."
"Well, they did have Osiris on their team at the time."
"Yeah," said Mercury. "Hard to compete with that. I tried to tell Tiamat to go in a different direction. I thought domes were the way to go. But she wouldn"t listen. She just wanted to keep building taller and taller ziggurats. Well, you know how that that turned out." turned out."
"The point point is," interjected Izbazel irritably, "n.o.body fully understands the entire plan. The angels are all just acting on orders, doing their part to bring about the Apocalypse because that"s what we"ve been told to do. My feeling is that if G.o.d wants the Apocalypse to happen, He"s not going to let me stop it." is," interjected Izbazel irritably, "n.o.body fully understands the entire plan. The angels are all just acting on orders, doing their part to bring about the Apocalypse because that"s what we"ve been told to do. My feeling is that if G.o.d wants the Apocalypse to happen, He"s not going to let me stop it."
"So you"re testing testing Him?" Christine asked incredulously. "You"re going to try to stop the Apocalypse and see if G.o.d lets you?" Him?" Christine asked incredulously. "You"re going to try to stop the Apocalypse and see if G.o.d lets you?"
Izbazel said, "Let"s just say that I"m tired of having my life dictated by some stupid arbitrary Schedule that I don"t even understand. Angels have better things to do than... anyway, it"s stupid and I"m sick of it."
Christine said, "So the guy with the rifle, that was your doing?"
Gamaliel shrugged. "Danny Pilvers is an unstable individual. We may have whispered in his ear a bit. Angels can be very persuasive."
"We try not to get involved directly in Mundane events," said Izbazel. "We work through human agents when we can. But your little stunt back there prevented the... adjustment we were trying to make. So now we need to finish the job and get out of here, before somebody traces us and we get hit with a Cla.s.s Three."
"Just so we"re clear then," Christine said, "None of you cares a whit about millions of people dying from plagues, famine and war. Mercury just wants to hang out like an apocalyptic tourist, and you guys want to kill an innocent person to thumb your nose at the angelic bureaucracy. Is that about right?"
"Our motives are irrelevant," Izbazel said. "The point is that we"re trying to stop the Apocalypse. You have to admit that"s a worthwhile cause. And it certainly justifies eliminating an individual who has contributed absolutely nothing to the greater good."
"What it comes down to," Christine said, "Is that you want to kill an innocent person to prove a point. You don"t even know that killing him will stop the Apocalypse. You"re just guessing."
"I gotta pee," said Karl. "Move it."