"This," said Perp, motioning around him, "is a planeport."
"It looks like an airport," said Christine. "Except that there are no planes. The one thing that it is missing, in fact, are planes. Why would you call it a planeport?"
"In blackjack," Perp said, "If the dealer has an upcard of five, don"t take any new cards because the dealer will probably bust. It"s called a planeport because it allows you to travel from one plane to another. That thing you were standing on was an interplanar portal. But surely you knew that. You had to step on one to get here."
"We didn"t have much choice," said Christine. "We were about to die in an earthquake. The "portal," as you call it, just appeared in front of us."
"Really?" asked Perp. "That"s actually... rather interesting. You don"t know who might have opened an emergency portal for you? Do you know any important angels?"
Christine and Harry both looked at the floor, making noncommittal noises.
"Well," said Perp. "In any case, it appears you"ve been summoned. Follow me."
"Summoned?" said Harry. "By whom?"
"How would I know?" said Perp. "Nothing on my schedule for today, but you know how seraphim are. They think nothing of an unscheduled summoning. You can figure that a properly riveted joint will have three-fourths of the strength of the pieces it joins together."
Perp turned and flew back down the concourse the way he had come. The three of them had no choice but to follow.
They walked for what seemed like miles through the planeport, while Perp prattled on about how to thaw a frozen car door lock, calculate the height of a building using only a thermometer and make mock hollandaise sauce.
Perp, it turned out, was a sort of combination skycap and escort, who tended to bewildered travelers such as themselves although he took pains to note that he had never met a group quite so bewildered as they. There were other porter angels escorting other travelers, but none who looked like Perp. Amid advice on the best wine to serve with chicken and how to find the fastest ferry across the river Styx, Perp explained to them that he was a very "traditional cherub." Evidently angels could, to some degree, choose their own physical appearances, and several hundred years ago it had been fashionable to appear as a nearly naked infant with birdlike wings. Currently the style was to look more like an adult human male, but Perp was never much for jumping on the fashion bandwagon. "In another 500 years," he said, "the infant look will come back around. Then Then who"ll be the trendsetter?" who"ll be the trendsetter?"
Presumably most of the "people" they pa.s.sed were, in fact, angels of some sort. From what they could gather from Perp"s occasional pertinent comments, the three of them were the only actual human beings in the planeport, and perhaps the only human beings who had ever been to the planeport.
Perp suddenly turned down a narrow hallway, leading them to an unremarkable conference room. It was the sort of depressing little meeting room that had no windows except for a panel of gla.s.s that served only to make one nostalgic for the corridor one had just left. At the head of a long faux-mahogany table sat a tall, angular man who, although he superficially resembled the other angels Christine had met, had a softer, tired look about him. He was wearing a suit that made him look a bit like a used car salesman.
"Have a seat," said the man.
The three of them sat. Perp buzzed quietly back down the hall.
"What the h.e.l.l is going on?" Christine demanded.
"That"s what I"m hoping to determine," said the angel.
"And you are?" asked Harry.
My name is Uzziel. I"m a seraph."
Uzziel, thought Christine. I know that name. He"s... Mercury"s boss?
"So... are we dead?" said Karl.
"No," said Uzziel. "But you almost were. If I hadn"t opened that temporary portal in Harry"s office, you would be. So, explain yourselves."
The three of them sat dumbly for a moment, staring at Uzziel.
"Er, what?" said Harry.
"That earthquake wasn"t on the Schedule. Clearly someone is up to something."
"Clearly," said Harry. "But as you just mentioned, the earthquake nearly killed us, so presumably that someone isn"t us. Unless you"re suggesting that the three of us were attempting suicide by earthquake."
"Well," said Uzziel, obviously rethinking things. "Well, it is is your fault." your fault."
"My fault?" said Harry. "How on earth could it be my my fault?" fault?"
"Not just yours," Uzziel said. "The fault is all of yours."
"Well, sure," Harry said. "Original sin and all that. In a sense, I suppose we"re all to blame...."
"No," said Uzziel impatiently. "The fault. It"s yours."
"I as much as admitted that," replied Harry, starting to get annoyed. "I"ll concede that humanity in general is to blame for the evil in the world. But if you"re suggesting that the three of us are somehow specifically "
"Not the three of you," said Uzziel, impatiently. He made a broad, sweeping gesture with his hands. "All of yours. The fault. It belongs to you. All of you. Earth." of yours. The fault. It belongs to you. All of you. Earth."
"I think he means..." said Christine.
"I know what he means. He"s trying to blame us for the d.a.m.ned earthquake. Listen, pal," he said, stabbing his finger at Uzziel, "You"re the angel. You"re supposed to know what"s going on with the earthquakes and Apoc... that is, the other stuff that"s going on."
Christine"s eyes narrowed toward Harry. "What did you just say?"
"Nothing," said Harry. "I was just saying that angels shouldn"t expect us to know about earthquakes, when they"re the ones in control of everything." He turned to Uzziel. "You are in control, correct?"
"Well, yes," said Uzziel, suddenly on the defensive. "Don"t misunderstand me. A little wrinkle like an a.s.sa.s.sination attempt or an unplanned earthquake isn"t going to derail things. I"m merely attempting to pin down a few X factors, so that there aren"t any further surprises. I believe you"re all aware that plans for the Apocalypse are well under way...."
Karl said, "The plans for what? what? I thought I was just supposed to be in a movie." I thought I was just supposed to be in a movie."
"Er," said Uzziel. He turned to Christine. "He doesn"t know?"
Christine shrugged.
"Okay, so," said Uzziel. "Karl, you understand that you are the Antichrist, correct?"
"Duh," said Karl.
"I"m not sure you understand, Karl," said Uzziel. We"re not just talking about some silly contest any more. You"re the actual Antichrist actual Antichrist."
Karl stared blankly at the angel.
"Ah, okay, then," said Uzziel.
"It"s part of his charm," explained Christine.
"Hmmm, right," said Uzziel. "And Christine and Harry, you understand that you have been designated as Persons of Apocalyptic Interest?"
Christine couldn"t muster the effort to feign ignorance. She and Harry both grumbled something vaguely affirmative, and then each of them examined the other suspiciously, as if to say, "And you were planning to tell me this when when?"
"So here"s the deal," Uzziel continued. "A lot of work has gone into planning this. I mean, thousands of years of negotiations between our people and Lucifer"s people."
"People?" asked Christine.
"Sorry, it"s a generic term for sentient beings. When I say "people," I generally mean angels, although of course humans are occasionally involved."
Christine and Harry nodded understandingly. Karl looked like he wanted to ask a question, but couldn"t decide what the question was.
"As I was saying, a lot of work has gone into designing the Attache Cases of the Apocalypse, getting them to the appropriate people..."
"Selecting the appropriate Antichrist..." added Christine.
"Er, yes," said Uzziel. "That"s not my department, of course. Not to mention centuries of groundwork, setting up the situation in the Middle East, funding the right biotech companies... you get the idea. And now somebody"s trying to foul it all up. Killing off General Isaakson, trying to a.s.sa.s.sinate the Antichrist, stealing the Attache Case of War...."
Christine wanted to weigh in, but she couldn"t decide whose side she was on. She was, in fact, having trouble figuring out what sides there were to choose from. She found herself looking around for a menu.
"Have you seen the case, Christine?" Uzziel asked. "Does Mercury have it?"
So he knows Mercury"s off the reservation, thought Christine. What about the other two, Gamaliel and Izbazel? How do they figure into this?
"Mercury?" asked Harry. "The cult leader in Berkeley? When did you...?"
"Our intelligence indicates you met Mercury shortly before... the natural gas explosion."
Christine snorted. "Natural gas explosion! You sent a pillar of fire to incinerate the house!" Christine was only guessing. She had no idea who was responsible for the pillar, but this joker seemed like a good bet. "A Cla.s.s Three Cla.s.s Three pillar of fire," she continued, jabbing her finger at Uzziel. "What, a Cla.s.s Two wouldn"t have gotten the job done? That"s just sloppy, if you ask me." pillar of fire," she continued, jabbing her finger at Uzziel. "What, a Cla.s.s Two wouldn"t have gotten the job done? That"s just sloppy, if you ask me."
Uzziel sighed. "Mercury was a problem," he said. "He had access to some sensitive information about the Apocalypse, and he could have caused some trouble for us if he decided to. We were watching the interplanar energy channels for his signature. It was decided that if anything came up, we"d torch him."
"And everybody around him."
"We suspected you were with Mercury," said Uzziel, "and that you had the Attache Case of War. Collateral damage is sometimes unavoidable. You were another X-factor, another unknown that could throw off our calculations. And we couldn"t let the case fall into the wrong hands."
"Right," said Christine. "No telling what could happen if it got into the hands of someone really dangerous. The next thing you know, there"d be rivers of blood, stars falling from the sky...."
"We"re not about chaos or violence for no reason," explained Uzziel. "That is, that"s not the plan plan. I"m sure the other side has differing ideas. These things have to be orchestrated in a very precise way. Otherwise the Apocalypse would degenerate into pointless mayhem."
"Well, that would clearly be a problem," observed Christine acerbically.
"Enough explanations," Uzziel said. "Does Mercury have the case?"
"I... don"t know," said Christine. "I haven"t seen him since Berkeley...."
"h.e.l.lo?" said Karl. "Don"t you remember leaving him with the movie guys in Lodi? The ones that you said were going to "
"Karl"s not quite himself," interjected Christine. "He got hit on the head when that lunatic tried to kill him in Lodi."
"What movie guys, Karl?" asked Uzziel.
"There were these two guys on motorcycles. At first I thought they were cops, but it turned out they wanted to put me in the next Charlie Nyx movie. We went to Charlie"s Grill in Lodi, because I can eat there for free, and they were talking about movies and stuff and then I had to go to the bathroom and that"s when Christine said she was Secret Service and we had to leave and I didn"t get to pee until Stockton."
"Did you get their names, Karl?"
"Uhhhh.... One of them was Izzy, right, Christine?"
Christine sighed. No point in resisting any more. She wasn"t even sure whom she was protecting, or from what. "Izbazel and Gamaliel."
Christine thought she saw the angel turn even more pale.
"What did they want?" asked Uzziel.
"I told you," said Karl. "They were going to put me in a movie."
"They wanted to kill Karl," said Christine. "They said, "no Antichrist, no Apocalypse." They were trying to get Mercury to hand him over without a struggle. That"s when I grabbed Karl and left."
Karl stared dumbly at Christine.
"So," said Uzziel. "we"ve got another faction in play. Someone trying to stop the Apocalypse at all costs."
Harry scoffed, "You can"t stop stop the Apocalypse. It"s G.o.d"s will." the Apocalypse. It"s G.o.d"s will."
Everyone"s eyes rolled. Even Karl"s.
"I"ll put together a team to find Mercury and the other angels and retrieve the case," Uzziel said. "We"ll have to open a portal to Lodi. These emergency portals are killing me. I"m so over budget on this thing as it is, Michael"s going to have my head. So," Uzziel said, "you really don"t know anything about the earthquake?"
"You mean other than the fact that it almost killed us and probably leveled my building?" Harry said. "No."
"So you don"t have... it?"
"Have, um, what?" asked Harry.
"Why," said Uzziel, "The Attache Case of Death, of course."
"The Attache Case of Death can cause earthquakes?" Christine asked, dumbfounded.
"Among other things," said Uzziel. "It"s the most powerful of the four. If it"s fallen into the hands of the renegades..."
"Yeah, it"ll totally mess up your whole Apocalypse," said Christine. "We get it."
"Not only that," said Uzziel. "This faction threatens the balance between the forces of good and the forces of evil. Lucifer might use this as an opportunity to...."
Christine and Harry looked quizzically at Uzziel.
He continued, "But I"m getting ahead of myself. We"re still in damage control mode for now. a.s.suming we can pick up our three renegade cherubim and recover the Case of War, we should be able to get back on track. If we watch the channels for the signature of the Attache Case of Death, we should be able to pick it up the next time they use it. If we can recover the Case of War, we should be able to pull off the Apocalypse even without the Case of Death. We"ll be a little over budget, but we"ll get it done. We all want the same thing here, right?"
Harry nodded. Christine snorted. Karl started, "I"m not sure I..."
"Right," said Uzziel. "Okay, Harry and Karl, I"ll take you to a portal that you can use to get back to Los Angeles. "Christine, you stay here." He pulled what appeared to be a small silver bell from his pocket, shook it three times and then, despite the fact that it made no discernable sound, slipped it back into his pocket.
"Wait," Christine said. "What am I supposed to do here?"