""General Order Number Seven Hundred and Nineteen. To all employees of the Interurban Express Company: On and after this date all employees of this company will use, in their correspondence and in all other official business, the following list of three hundred words. By order of the president.""
"Yes," said the president, tearing a strip from Mr. Gratz"s newspaper that he held in his hand. "Here is the list of words. I want the whole thing mimeographed, and I want you to see that a copy gets into the hands of every man and woman in our employ: all the offices, here and on the road. Understand?"
"Yes, sir," she answered, and then she arose, fixed her neck scarf, and went out. Mr. Smalley took his seat at his desk and began arranging his papers, humming cheerfully.
Mr. Gratz arose and stalked silently out of the office. But when the door was closed behind him he smiled. One of the members of the "Simplified Spelling Board" was his personal friend. Mr. Gratz had prevailed upon Mr. Smalley to adopt the new spelling, and he had done so by using the only means he could use with hope of success.
The next day Mike Flannery, the Westcote agent of the express company, was sitting at his desk in the express office, carefully spelling out a letter to Mary O"Donnell, on whom his affections were firmly fixed, when he heard the train from Franklin whistle. He had time to read what he had written before he went to meet the train, and he glanced over the letter hastily.
"Dearst Mary Odonil," it said, "reply in to yourse i would say i ment no harm when i kised you last nite it did not mene you was no lady but my feelins got to mutch for me i love you so how was i to no you wood not like it when i had never tried it on befor if you dont like it i will let up on that after this but it was the best kiss i ever had--" He stopped to scratch out the part about its being the best kiss he had ever had, for that seemed, on second thought, not the best thing to say, and then, as lovers so often do, he tore the whole letter to bits, and hurried to meet the train.
Flannery came back with a few packages and a couple of the long official envelopes. He dumped the packages on his counter and tore open the first of the envelopes. It was a mimeograph circular and had that benzine odor that Flannery had come to a.s.sociate with trouble, for it meant a new rule that he must follow, or a change of rates that he must memorize, under penalty of dismissal. All orders were given under penalty of dismissal, and Flannery had so many rules and regulations under his red hair that each day he wondered whether he would still be the Westcote agent at the end of the next.
As he read his forehead wrinkled.
""Gineral Order Number Sivin Hundred an" noineteen,"" he read slowly.
"And is it possible "tis only th" sivin hundred an" noineteenth of thim I have been gettin"? I w"u"d have said "t was th" forty-sivinth thousand gineral order I have had t" learn and memorize. Wheniver th" prisidint, or th" vice-prisidint, or th" manager, or th" janitor, or th" office-boy at th" head office has nawthin" else t" do they be thinkin" up a new gineral order t" sind t" Flannery. "What"s th" news of th" day?" says th" prisidint. "Nawthin" doin"," says th" janitor. "Then wake up and sind Flannery a gineral order t" learn th" Declaration av Indepindince by hearrt," says th" prisidint. "Mebby he do be gittin" lazy!" "And shall I add on th" Const.i.tution av th" United States?" says th" janitor.
"Sure!" says th" prisidint, ""t will do Flannery no harm t" be busy.""
He held the paper out at arm"s length and shook his head at it, and then slapped it down on the counter and gave it his attention.
""To all imployees av th" Interurban Ixpriss Company,"" he read. ""On an" after this date all imployees av this company will use, in their correspondince, and in all other official business, the follyin" list av t"ree hunderd words. By order of th" prisidint." Sure!" he said. ""Under penalty av dismissal from th" service av th" company," as ye might be sayin"!"
He turned to the list of three hundred words and began to read it. As he pa.s.sed down the list the frown on his brow deepened. At "anapest" it was a noticeable frown, at "apothem" it became very p.r.o.nounced, and at "dieresis" his s.h.a.ggy red brows nearly covered his eyes, he was frowning so hard.
"I wonder what th" Interurban Ixpriss Company w"u"d loike me t" be writin" thim on th" subject av "ec.u.menical"?" he said. "Mebby there be some of these here "edile" and "egis" things comin" by ixpriss, and "t will be a foine thing t" know how t" spell thim whin th" con-_sign_-y puts in a claim fer damages, but if th" company is goin" t" carry many "eponyms" and "esophaguses" Mike Flannery will be lookin" for another job.--And w"u"d you look at this wan! "Paleography!" Thim be nice words t" order th" agints av th" ixpriss company t" be usin"!"
He pulled at a lock of his hair thoughtfully.
"I wonder, now," he said, "do they want Mike Flannery t" learn all thim words by hearrt, and use thim all. Should I be usin" thim all in one letter, or distribute thim throughout th" correspondince, or what? "T is a grand lot of worrds if I only knew what anny of thim meant, but "t will be hard t" find a subject t" write on t" run in this word of "h.o.m.onym." There has not been one of thim about th" office since Mike Flannery has been here."
But his duty was plain, and he took his varnish pot and pasted the list on the wall beside his desk where he could refer to it instantly, and then he slid on to his high stool to write the acknowledgment of the receipt of the list.
"Interurban Express Co., Franklin. Gentelmen," he wrote, "I receved the genral order 719 and will oba it but I will have to practise v. and n.
awhile first, some of the words dont come natural to me off hand like polyp and estivate. what is the rate on these if any comes exprest.
whats a etiology, pleas advice me am I to use all these words or only sum. Mike Flannery."
He sealed this with the feeling that he had done well indeed for a first time. He had worked in "practise v. and n." and "exprest," and, if the head office should complain that he had not used enough of the words in the list, he could point to "polyp" and "estivate" and "etiology." It was slow work, for he had to look up each word he used before writing it, to see whether it was on the list or not, but generally it was not, and that gave him full liberty to spell it in any of the three or four simplified ways he was used to employing.
Then he turned to his letter to Mary O"Donnell. His buoyancy was somewhat lessened in this second attempt by the necessity of looking up each word as he used it, and he was working his way slowly, and had just told her he was sorry he had "kist" her ("kist" was in the three hundred), and that it had been because he had "f.a.got" himself ("f.a.got"
was in the list also), when a man entered the office and laid a package on the counter.
Flannery slid from his stool and went to the counter. The man was Mr.
Warold of the Westcote Tag Company, and the package was a bundle of tags that he wished to send by express. They were properly done up, for Mr.
Warold sent many packages by express. It was addressed to the "Phoenix Sulphur Company, Armourville, Pa." It was marked "Collect" and "Keep Dry." It was a nice package, done up in a masterly manner, and the tags were to fill a rush order from the sulphur company.
Flannery pulled the package across the counter, and was about to drop it on the scales when the "Collect" caught his eye, and he held out his hand to Mr. Warold.
"Have ye brung th" receipt-book with ye?" he asked.
Mr. Warold felt in his coat-pocket. He had forgotten to bring the receipt book, and Flannery drew a pad of blank receipts toward himself, and dipped a pen into the ink. Then he looked at the address.
""Pho-_e_-nix,"" he read slowly. "That do be a queer sort av a worrd, Mr. Warold. "Pho-_e_-nix!" Is it a man"s name, I dunno?"
"Feenix," p.r.o.nounced Mr. Warold, grinning.
Flannery was writing carefully with his tongue clasped firmly between his teeth, but he stopped and looked up.
""T is an odd way t" spell a worrd av that same p.r.o.nownciation," he said, and then, suddenly, he laid down his pen and turned to the list of three hundred words that was pasted beside his desk.
"Oh, ho!" he exclaimed, when he had run his finger down the list, and then he ran it still farther and said it again, and more vigorously, and turned back to Mr. Warold. He shook his head and pushed the package across to Mr. Warold.
"Tek it back home, Mr. Warold," he said, "and change th" spellin" of th"
worrds on th" address av it. "T is agin th" rules av th" ixpriss company as it is. There be no "o" in th" feenix av th" Interurban Ixpriss Company. P-h-e-n-i-x is th" improved and official spellin" av th" worrd, and th" rules av th" company is agin lettin" any feenixes with an "o" in thim proceed into th" official business av th" company. And th" same of that "Sulphur" worrd. It has been improved and fixed up accordin" to gineral order number sivin hunderd and noineteen, and th" way t" spell it is "S-u-l-f-u-r," and no other way goes across th" counter av th"
ixpriss company whilst Mike Flannery runs it. And th" ixpriss company will have none of your "Armourville," Mr. Warold. There be no "u" in th"
worrd as "tis simplified by th" order av th" prisidint av th"
Interurban."
Mr. Warold looked at the package and then at Flannery, and gasped. He was slow to anger, and slow in all ways, and it took him fully two minutes to let Flannery"s meaning trickle into his brain. Then he pushed the package across to Flannery again and laughed.
"That is all right," he said. "I read all about the simplified spelling in the papers, and if your company wants to adopt it, it is none of my business, but this has nothing to do with that. This is the name of a company, and the name of a town, and companies and towns have a right to spell their names as they choose. That--why, everybody knows that!"
"Sure they have th" right," admitted Flannery pleasantly, but pushing the package slowly toward Mr. Warold; "sure they have! But not in th"
ixpriss office av th" Interurban. "T is agin th" rules t" spell any feenixes with an "o" in th" ixpriss office, or any sulphurs with a "ph,"
or any armours with a "u." Thim spellin"s and two hunderd an"
ninety-sivin more are agin th" rules, and can"t go. Packages that has thim on can"t go. Nawthin" that has thim in thim or on thim or about thim can"t go. Gineral order number sivin--"
"Look here," said Mr. Warold slowly. "I tell you, Flannery, that those words are the names of a company--"
"An" I tell ye," said Flannery, holding the package away from him with a firm hand, "that rules is rules, and gineral orders is worse than rules, an" thim spellin"s can"t go."
Mr. Warold flushed. He put his hand opposite to Flannery"s hand on the package and pushed with an equal firmness.
"I offer this package for shipment," he said with a trace of anger beginning to show in his voice. "I offer it to you just as it is; spelled as it is; and without change or anything else. This express company is a common carrier, under the Interstate Commerce Law, and it cannot refuse to take this package, spelling or no spelling. That is the law!"
"I have no quarrel with th" intercommerce state law, Mr. Warold, sir,"
said Flannery with dignity, "and "tis none of my business, sir. But th"
spellin" of th" English language is, for "t is my duty by gineral order number sivin hunderd and noineteen t" spell three hundred worrds with th" proper simplification, and spell thim I will, and so will all that does business with Mike Flannery from sivin A.M. till nine P.M. Worrds that is not in th" three hunderd ye may spell as ye please, Mr. Warold, for there be no rule agin it, and in conversation or correspondince with Mike Flannery, before th" hour av sivin and after th" hour av nine, ye may spell as ye please, and I will do th" same, for thin I am off duty; but durin" th" office hours th" whole dang list from "abridgment" t"
"wrapt" must be spelled accordin" t" orders. Yis, sir, "polyp" and "dactyl" and th" whole rist av thim. So tek th" package an" change th"
address like a good man."
Mr. Warold glared at Flannery, and then turned to the door. He took one or two stiff strides, and then turned back. Anger was well enough as a luxury, but the Phoenix Sulphur Company had telegraphed for the tags, and business was a necessity. The tags must go out by the first train.
He leaned over the counter and smiled at Flannery. Flannery glared back.
"See here, now, Flannery," he said gently, "you don"t want to get into trouble with the United States Government, do you? And maybe get yourself and your president and every employee and officer of your company in jail for no one knows how long, do you? Well, then, just telegraph to your president and ask him whether he makes an exception in favour of the old spelling of names of companies, will you? That will do no harm. Tell him a package is offered, and tell him the address, and let him decide."
Flannery considered a moment and then took his telegraph pad.
"President Interurban, Franklin," he wrote, "Shall i take pakag for Phoenix Sulphur Company, Armourdale. Anser quick. Westcote."