"I know," he went on to say, "that I haven"t much to offer you." He had now seated himself again, and as he spoke he looked upon the ground.
"It isn"t that, John," she answered; "you have much more to give than I have a right to expect."
"No," he said. "What I offer you is a life of endless trouble and care. I know all about it myself. It"s all very well to talk of a competence and a big house, and if you were to take me, perhaps we might keep the old place on and furnish it again, and my mother thinks a great deal about the t.i.tle. For my part I think it"s only a nuisance when a man has not got a fortune with it, and I don"t suppose it will be any pleasure to you to be called Lady Ball. You"d have a life of fret and worry, and would not have half so much money to spend as you have now. I know all that, and have thought a deal about it before I could bring myself to speak to you. But, Margaret, you would have duties which would, I think, in themselves, have a pleasure for you. You would know what to do with your life, and would be of inestimable value to many people who would love you dearly.
As for me, I never saw any other woman whom I could bring myself to offer as a mother to my children." All this he said looking down at the floor, in a low, dull, droning voice, as though every sentence spoken were to have been the last. Then he paused, looked into her face for a moment, and after that, allowed his eyes again to fall on the ground.
Margaret was, of course, aware that she must make him some answer, and she was by no means prepared to give him one that would be favourable. Indeed, she thought she knew that she could not marry him, because she felt that she did not love him with affection of the sort which would be due to a husband. She told herself that she must refuse his offer. But yet she wanted time, and above all things, she wished to find words which would not be painful to him. His dull droning voice, and the honest recital of his troubles, and of her troubles if she were to share his lot, had touched her more nearly than any vows of love would have done. When he told her of the heavy duties which might fall to her lot as his wife, he almost made her think that it might be well for her to marry him, even though she did not love him. "I hardly know how to answer you, you have taken me so much by surprise," she said.
"You need not give me an answer at once," he replied; "you can think of it." As she did not immediately say anything, he presumed that she a.s.sented to this proposition. "You won"t wonder now," he said, "that I wished you to stay here, or that my mother wished it."
"Does Lady Ball know?" she asked.
"Yes, my mother does know."
"What am I to say to her?"
"Shall I tell you, Margaret, what to say? Put your arms round her neck, and tell her that you will be her daughter."
"No, John; I cannot do that; and perhaps I ought to say now that I don"t think it will ever be possible. It has all so surprised me, that I haven"t known how to speak; and I am afraid I shall be letting you go from me with a false idea. Perhaps I ought to say at once that it cannot be."
"No, Margaret, no. It is much better that you should think of it. No harm can come of that."
"There will be harm if you are disappointed."
"I certainly shall be disappointed if you decide against me; but not more violently so, if you do it next week than if you do it now. But I do hope that you will not decide against me."
"And what am I to do?"
"You can write to me from Littlebath."
"And how soon must I write?"
"As soon as you can make up your mind. But, Margaret, do not decide against me too quickly. I do not know that I shall do myself any good by promising you that I will love you tenderly." So saying he put out his hand, and she took it; and they stood there looking into each other"s eyes, as young lovers might have done,--as his son might have looked into those of her daughter, had she been married young and had children of her own. In the teeth of all those tedious money dealings in the City there was some spice of romance left within his bosom yet!
But how was she to get herself out of the room? It would not do for such a Juliet to stay all the night looking into the eyes of her ancient Romeo. And how was she to behave herself to Lady Ball, when she should again find herself in the drawing-room, conscious as she was that Lady Ball knew all about it? And how was she to conduct herself before all those young people whom she had left there? And her proposed father-in-law, whom she feared so much, and in truth disliked so greatly--would he know all about it, and thrust his ill-natured jokes at her? Her lover should have opened the door for her to pa.s.s through; but instead of doing so, as soon as she had withdrawn her hand from his, he placed himself on the rug, and leaned back in silence against the chimney-piece.
"I suppose it wouldn"t do," she said, "for me to go off to bed without seeing them."
"I think you had better see my mother," he replied, "else you will feel awkward in the morning."
Then she opened the door for herself, and with frightened feet crept back to the drawing-room. She could hardly bring herself to open the second door; but when she had done so, her heart was greatly released, as, looking in, she saw that her aunt was the only person there.
"Well, Margaret," said the old lady, walking up to her; "well?"
"Dear aunt, I don"t know what I am to say to you. I don"t know what you want."
"I want you to tell me you have consented to become John"s wife."
"But I have not consented. Think how sudden it has been, aunt!"
"Yes, yes; I can understand that. You could not tell him at once that you would take him; but you won"t mind telling me."
"I would have told him so in an instant, if I had made up my mind. Do you think I would wish to keep him in suspense on such a matter? If I could have felt that I could love him as his wife, I would have told him so instantly,--instantly."
"And why not love him as his wife--why not?" Lady Ball, as she asked the question, was almost imperious in her eagerness.
"Why not, aunt? It is not easy to answer such a question as that. A woman, I suppose, can"t say why she doesn"t love a man, nor yet why she does. You see, it"s so sudden. I hadn"t thought of him in that way."
"You"ve known him now for nearly a year, and you"ve been in the house with him for the last three weeks. If you haven"t seen that he has been attached to you, you are the only person in the house that has been so blind."
"I haven"t seen it at all, aunt."
"Perhaps you are afraid of the responsibility," said Lady Ball.
"I should fear it certainly; but that alone would not deter me. I would endeavour to do my best."
"And you don"t like living in the same house with me and Sir John."
"Indeed, yes; you are always good to me; and as to my uncle, I know he does not mean to be unkind. I should not fear that."
"The truth is, I suppose, Margaret, that you do not like to part with your money."
"That"s unjust, aunt. I don"t think I care more for my money than another woman."
"Then what is it? He can give you a position in the world higher than any you could have had a hope to possess. As Lady Ball you will be equal in all respects to your own far-away cousin, Lady Mackenzie."
"That has nothing to do with it, aunt."
"Then what is it?" asked Lady Ball again. "I suppose you have no absolute objection to be a baronet"s wife."
"Suppose, aunt, that I do not love him?"
"Pshaw!" said the old woman.
"But it isn"t pshaw," said Miss Mackenzie. "No woman ought to marry a man unless she feels that she loves him."
"Pshaw!" said Lady Ball again.
They had both been standing; and as everybody else was gone Miss Mackenzie had determined that she would go off to bed without settling herself in the room. So she prepared herself for her departure.
"I"ll say good-night now, aunt. I have still some of my packing to do, and I must be up early."
"Don"t be in a hurry, Margaret. I want to speak to you before you leave us, and I shall have no other opportunity. Sit down, won"t you?"
Then Miss Mackenzie seated herself, most unwillingly.
"I don"t know that there is anyone nearer to you than I am, my dear; at any rate, no woman; and therefore I can say more than any other person. When you talk of not loving John, does that mean--does it mean that you are engaged to anyone else?"