He pa.s.sed the unsuspecting sentinels (Who little thought a man in this disguise Could be a proper object of suspicion), And ere the curfew bell had boomed "lights out,"
He found in audience Bedford"s haughty Duke.
"Your Grace," he said, "start not--be not alarmed, Although a Frenchman stands before your eyes.
I"m HONGREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Cha.s.soores.
My Colonel will attack your camp to-night, And orders me to lead the hope forlorn.
Now I am sure our excellent KING CHARLES Would not approve of this; but he"s away A hundred leagues, and rather more than that.
So, utterly devoted to my King, Blinded by my attachment to the throne, And having but its interest at heart, I feel it is my duty to disclose All schemes that emanate from COLONEL JOOLES, If I believe that they are not the kind Of schemes that our good monarch would approve."
"But how," said Bedford"s Duke, "do you propose That we should overthrow your Colonel"s scheme?"
And HONGREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Cha.s.soores, Replied at once with never-failing tact: "Oh, sir, I know this cursed country well.
Entrust yourself and all your host to me; I"ll lead you safely by a secret path Into the heart of COLONEL JOOLES" array, And you can then attack them unprepared, And slay my fellow-countrymen unarmed."
The thing was done. The DUKE of BEDFORD gave The order, and two thousand fighting men Crept silently into the Gallic camp, And slew the Frenchmen as they lay asleep; And Bedford"s haughty Duke slew COLONEL JOOLES, And gave fair MAHRY, pride of Aquitaine, To HONGREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Cha.s.soores.
Ballad: Etiquette
The Ballyshannon foundered off the coast of Cariboo, And down in fathoms many went the captain and the crew; Down went the owners--greedy men whom hope of gain allured: Oh, dry the starting tear, for they were heavily insured.
Besides the captain and the mate, the owners and the crew, The pa.s.sengers were also drowned excepting only two: Young PETER GRAY, who tasted teas for BAKER, CROOP, AND CO., And SOMERS, who from Eastern sh.o.r.es imported indigo.
These pa.s.sengers, by reason of their clinging to a mast, Upon a desert island were eventually cast.
They hunted for their meals, as ALEXANDER SELKIRK used, But they couldn"t chat together--they had not been introduced.
For PETER GRAY, and SOMERS too, though certainly in trade, Were properly particular about the friends they made; And somehow thus they settled it without a word of mouth-- That GRAY should take the northern half, while SOMERS took the south.
On PETER"S portion oysters grew--a delicacy rare, But oysters were a delicacy PETER couldn"t bear.
On SOMERS" side was turtle, on the shingle lying thick, Which SOMERS couldn"t eat, because it always made him sick.
GRAY gnashed his teeth with envy as he saw a mighty store Of turtle unmolested on his fellow-creature"s sh.o.r.e.
The oysters at his feet aside impatiently he shoved, For turtle and his mother were the only things he loved.
And SOMERS sighed in sorrow as he settled in the south, For the thought of PETER"S oysters brought the water to his mouth.
He longed to lay him down upon the sh.e.l.ly bed, and stuff: He had often eaten oysters, but had never had enough.
How they wished an introduction to each other they had had When on board the Ballyshannon! And it drove them nearly mad To think how very friendly with each other they might get, If it wasn"t for the arbitrary rule of etiquette!
One day, when out a-hunting for the mus ridiculus, GRAY overheard his fellow-man soliloquizing thus: "I wonder how the playmates of my youth are getting on, M"CONNELL, S. B. WALTERS, PADDY BYLES, and ROBINSON?"
These simple words made PETER as delighted as could be, Old chummies at the Charterhouse were ROBINSON and he!
He walked straight up to SOMERS, then he turned extremely red, Hesitated, hummed and hawed a bit, then cleared his throat, and said:
I beg your pardon--pray forgive me if I seem too bold, But you have breathed a name I knew familiarly of old.
You spoke aloud of ROBINSON--I happened to be by.
You know him?" "Yes, extremely well." "Allow me, so do I."
It was enough: they felt they could more pleasantly get on, For (ah, the magic of the fact!) they each knew ROBINSON!
And Mr. SOMERS" turtle was at PETER"S service quite, And Mr. SOMERS punished PETER"S oyster-beds all night.
They soon became like brothers from community of wrongs: They wrote each other little odes and sang each other songs; They told each other anecdotes disparaging their wives; On several occasions, too, they saved each other"s lives.
They felt quite melancholy when they parted for the night, And got up in the morning soon as ever it was light; Each other"s pleasant company they reckoned so upon, And all because it happened that they both knew ROBINSON!
They lived for many years on that inhospitable sh.o.r.e, And day by day they learned to love each other more and more.
At last, to their astonishment, on getting up one day, They saw a frigate anch.o.r.ed in the offing of the bay.
To PETER an idea occurred. "Suppose we cross the main?
So good an opportunity may not be found again."
And SOMERS thought a minute, then e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed, "Done!
I wonder how my business in the City"s getting on?"
"But stay," said Mr. PETER: "when in England, as you know, I earned a living tasting teas for BAKER, CROOP, AND CO., I may be superseded--my employers think me dead!"
"Then come with me," said SOMERS, "and taste indigo instead."
But all their plans were scattered in a moment when they found The vessel was a convict ship from Portland, outward bound; When a boat came off to fetch them, though they felt it very kind, To go on board they firmly but respectfully declined.
As both the happy settlers roared with laughter at the joke, They recognized a gentlemanly fellow pulling stroke: "Twas ROBINSON--a convict, in an unbecoming frock!
Condemned to seven years for misappropriating stock!!!
They laughed no more, for SOMERS thought he had been rather rash In knowing one whose friend had misappropriated cash; And PETER thought a foolish tack he must have gone upon In making the acquaintance of a friend of ROBINSON.
At first they didn"t quarrel very openly, I"ve heard; They nodded when they met, and now and then exchanged a word: The word grew rare, and rarer still the nodding of the head, And when they meet each other now, they cut each other dead.
To allocate the island they agreed by word of mouth, And PETER takes the north again, and SOMERS takes the south; And PETER has the oysters, which he hates, in layers thick, And SOMERS has the turtle--turtle always makes him sick.
Foonotes:
{1} "Go with me to a Notary--seal me there Your single bond."--Merchant of Venice, Act I., sc. 3.
{2} "And there shall she, at Friar Lawrence" cell, Be shrived and married."--Romeo and Juliet, Act II., sc. 4.
{3} "And give the fasting horses provender."--Henry the Fifth, Act IV., sc. 2.
{4} "Let us, like merchants, show our foulest wares."--Troilus and Cressida, Act I., sc. 3.
{5} "Then must the Jew be merciful."--Merchant of Venice, Act IV., sc.
1.
{6} "The spring, the summer, The chilling autumn, angry winter, change Their wonted liveries."--Midsummer Night Dream, Act IV., sc. 1.
{7} "In the county of Glo"ster, justice of the peace and coram."
Merry Wives of Windsor, Act I., sc. 1.
{8} "What l.u.s.ty trumpet thus doth summon us?"--King John, Act V., sc.