THE VISITOR--"Does your new baby brother cry much, Ethel?"
LITTLE ETHEL--"He cries when you stick pins in him or make faces at him or bounce him up and down. But what can you expect? He"s too little to swear."
Maggie had a new baby brother, which everybody agreed was such a baby as had never been seen before. One day the baby was being weighed, and Maggie asked what that was for.
"Oh," said her father, "Uncle George has taken a great fancy to baby, and he"s offered to buy him for a shilling an ounce."
Maggie looked startled. "You"re not going to sell him, are you, daddy?"
"Of course not, precious," answered daddy, proud to see his little girl loved her brother so.
"No. Keep him till he gets a bit bigger," the child went on; "he"ll fetch more money then."
INFLUENZA
A hospital doctor writes in the Ontario Post that one of his patients had had the flu. He was seen walking around wearily. When he was asked what was wrong, he said: "Ah done had de Spanish flu." "That so?" he was asked; "what is the Spanish flu like, Sam?" "The flu?" said Sam; "don"t you all know what de flu is? Why, it"s a disease dat makes you sick six months after you gets well."
"Were you very sick with the "flu," Rastus?"
"Sick, sick! Man, Ah was so sick mos" ebery night Ah look in dat er casualty list for mah name."
INHERITANCE
During the battle of Paschendaele a seriously wounded Gordon Highlander was brought into one of the Canadian dressing stations. The surgeon noticed he was wearing a fine gold wrist watch. "Where did you get that, Scotty?" he asked.
Scotty merely smiled at the time, but, on being told that the chances were against him, he later confided the story to the doctor.
"I took a Heine prisoner who was wearin" yon watch. "Wull ye gie me it?" I eskit him. He shookit his heed. I eskit him the second time.
He shookit his heed again. "For the third and last time, as a gentlemaun," I sez, "will ye gie me thot watch?" Heine shookit his head."
"But you got it?"
"Weel efter thot I simply inherited it."
INITIATIVE
_Not Self-Starters_
FIRST CITIZEN--"You can"t stop a man from thinking!"
SECOND DITTO--"No, but the difficulty is to start him!"
INSOMNIA
BARK--"So you have been cured of your insomnia? It must be an immense relief."
CARR--"You"ve said it. Why, I lie awake half the night thinking how I used to suffer from it."
INSTALMENT PLAN
"I wonder will Smithers always allude to his wife so lovingly as "my own"?"
"Well, she is his own. Everything else in his home he is paying for on the instalment plan."
LADY VISITOR--"Oh, Tommy, you have a nice new suit!"
TOMMY--"Yes, I think the man pa bought it from is sorry he sold it.
He"s always calling."
INSURANCE, FIRE
THE MAN OF LAW--"But, my dear madam, there is no insurance money for you to draw. Your late husband never insured his life; he only had a policy against fire."
THE WONDERFUL WIDOW--"Precisely. That is the very reason I had him cremated!"
A woman, wearing an anxious expression, called at an insurance office one morning.
"I understand," she said, "that for five dollars I can insure my house for a thousand dollars."
"Yes," replied the agent, "that is right."