"Troth, an" I will sir," was Pat"s reply, as he pocketed the money.
"Come with me."
For many weary miles over mountain, bog, and moor they tramped, until they came into view of a barracks. Pointing to a soldier seated on a step inside the square, Pat said:
"There you are, sir, my brother Mike; he"s been a soldier for ten years, an" he"s a private still."
An English clergyman turned to a Scotchman and asked him: "What would you be were you not a Scot?"
The Scotchman said: "Why, an Englishman, of course!"
Then the clergyman turned to a gentleman from Ireland and asked him: "And what would you be were you not an Irishman?"
The man thought a moment and said: "I"d be ashamed of meself!"
Two sailors, an Irishman and a Scotchman, could never agree, and the rest of the crew had become adepts in starting them on an argument.
One day "patron saints" was the subject, of which the Scotchman knew nothing and the Irishman just a little.
"Who was the patron saint of Ireland?" said Jock.
"Do you mean to say you don"t know?" said Pat. "Why, the holy St.
Patrick."
"Well," said Jock in deliberate tones, "hang your St. Patrick."
In a towering rage the Irishman hesitated a second while he thought of something equally offensive, and then burst out with, "And hang your Harry Lauder!"
PAT--"Yis, sorr, wur-rk is scarce, but Oi got a job last Sunday that brought me foive dollars."
MR. GOODMAN--"What! you broke the Sabbath?"
PAT (apologetically)--"Well, sorr, "twas wan av us had t" be broke."
An Irishman employed in a large factory had taken a day off without permission and seemed likely to lose his job in consequence. When asked by his foreman the next day why he had not turned up the day before, he replied:
"I was so ill, sir, that I could not come to work to save me life."
"How was it, then, Pat, that I saw you pa.s.s the factory on your bicycle during the morning?" asked the foreman.
Pat was slightly taken aback, then regaining his presence of mind, he replied:
"Sure, sir, that must have been when I was going for the doctor."
A college graduate was walking down the street one evening with a friend of Irish descent, and, pausing to look up at the starry sky, remarked with enthusiasm:
"How bright Orion is tonight!"
"So that is O"Ryan, is it?" replied Pat. "Well, thank the Lord, there"s one Irishman in heaven, anyhow!"
After Patsy Hogan had left Dublin for the country, and rented a cottage with a small backyard, he returned to town and purchased a monkey. Not a word of his scheme would he disclose to his old cronies.
But afterwards he explained. ""Twas like this: I chained the monkey to a stick in me yard, and the coal thrains were pa.s.sin" all day, and on iv"ry thrain there was a stoker. In one week I had two tons of coal in me cellar, and the monkey was never wanst hit!"
_See also_ Irish bulls.
JEWS
Pat, answering questions in applying for a job as keeper of the pound, came to the query, "What are rabies and what would you do for them?"
He replied, "Rabies is Jew priests and I wouldn"t do a d.a.m.n thing for them."
Israel Paletzky sold and delivered fresh eggs to a near-by soda dispenser. One day he brought in two dozen eggs in response to an order. Upon counting them, the proprietor of the soda fountain discovered there was an extra egg and offered it back to the aged Jew.
"Oh, dot"s all right!" said old Israel. "Neffer mind for chust von egg."
"Well, Izzy, have a drink then."
"All right. I take it a malted milk mit egg."
To the great G.o.d Buddha came the representatives of the Catholic, Protestant, and Jewish religions, to pay him homage. Buddha, very flattered, told each of them that if they would express a wish, it would be fulfilled.
"What do you wish?" he asked the Catholic.
The answer was "Glory."
"You shall have it," said Buddha, and turning to the Protestant, "What do you wish?"
"Money."
"You shall have it."
"And you?" This to the Jew.
"I do not want much," quoth he; "give me the Protestant"s address!"