"It is very strange that no one has ever been able to find Captain Kidd"s treasure."
"Oh, well, Captain Kidd isn"t the only man who has put his money into real estate and couldn"t get it out."
REAL ESTATE AGENTS
STEVE--"That Smith guy of the Meadow Bottom Development Company has got the fastest car in this neck of the country. He makes ninety miles an hour."
HANK--"Some car! What"s he want of such a speed demon?"
STEVE--"He"s gotta have it when he"s advertising his development as being five minutes from the station."
A house-hunter, getting off a train at a suburban station, said to a boy standing near:
"My boy, I am looking for Mr. Smith"s new block of semi-detached houses. How far are they from here?"
"About twenty minutes" walk," said the boy.
"Twenty minutes!" exclaimed the house-hunter. "Nonsense! The advertis.e.m.e.nt said five."
"Well," replied the boy, "yer kin believe me or the advertis.e.m.e.nt, whichever yer want. But I ain"t tryin" to make no sale."
"Look here, you swindler!" roared the owner of the suburban property to the real-estate man. "When you sold me this house, didn"t you say that in three months I wouldn"t part with it for $10,000?"
"Certainly," said the real-estate dealer calmly, "and you haven"t, have you?"
REALISM
Things that are what they appear to be are so rare that one cannot tell them when one sees them.
RECOMMENDATIONS
"Eh-yah! Young Doc. Purt is a pretty good doctor," admitted the landlord of the Petunia tavern, in reply to the inquiry of a guest who felt the need of a physician"s advice. "In spite of all the money he"s spent for electrical apparatus and the fact that he wears one of these "ere three-cornered vanduct beards, there have been no unusually distressing deaths in our midst during the six months he has been with us."
The applicant for the job of office-boy presented his credentials in a manner that bespoke his entire confidence that the position would be his. The sour-looking old gentleman at the head of the establishment read the paper carefully and then surveyed the boy searchingly.
"It is certainly a very nice thing for you to have these recommendations from the minister of your church and your Sunday-school teacher," said he, "and I must admit that you look honest. All the same, I"d like to have a few words from someone that knows you on week-days."--_Harper"s_.
"You say you have good references?"
"Yes, ma"am. I have over a "undred splendid references."
"And how long have you been in domestic service?"
"Two years, ma"am."
A prominent New England educator tells of a Chinese cook in Manila who was innocently carrying about a reference, written by a saturnine Englishman, with which he expected to secure a good position. The reference read as follows:
"This man cooked for me six months; it seemed much longer. He left on account of illness--my illness."
"Have you any references?" inquired the lady of the house.
"Yis, mum, lots of thim," answered the prospective maid.
"Then why did you not bring some of them with you?"
"Well, mum, to tell the troot, they"re just loike my photygraphs. None of thim don"t do me justice."
Here is a letter of recommendation given by a butcher to a former employee:
"Whomsoefer is de boss--
"Dear Sir--Dis is to testify dot Hans Snyder vorked for me von week.
Ven he left I was perfectly satisfied."
RECRUITING
POLICEMAN (rounding up draft suspects)--"Have you got a card?"
THE SUSPECTED ONE (with suitcase)--"A whole case of "em! Which do you want to see--draft, registration, meat, sugar, calling, milk, playing, or postal-card?"--_Judge_.
"Before I left the United States," said Col. George Harvey recently in London, "I agreed with a Columbia professor who said preponderant power in men and money was bound to win the war; but now I have a stronger argument--one which fell from the lips of a recruiting-sergeant in the Strand yesterday.
""Don"t you want to be on the winning side?" said the soldier to a group of civilians who he was suggesting should don khaki.