"If you"ve lost three husbands," he wrote, "I should say you are much too careless to be trusted with a fourth."
CATALOGING
One of the best examples of the humors of cataloging comes in Sonnenschein"s "Best Books," volume one, page 121, where Prof. Henry Preserved Smith"s well-known Old Testament History appears thus:
_Smith, Prf. Hy._ "Preserved O.T. History."
CAUSE AND EFFECT
It was in one of the social settlements conducted by persons of a philanthropic turn of mind. The young kindergarten teacher, having finished the morning"s talk on hygiene and sanitation, wished to make a practical application of the lesson. Turning to one little youngster whose face, hands and whole appearance bespoke the crying need of soap and water, she asked:
"Izzy, when the house gets all mussed up and dirty, what does mother do?"
"We move."
LITTLE BOY--"A penn"orth each of liniment and liquid cement, please."
CHEMIST--"Are they both for the same person, or shall I wrap them up separately?"
LITTLE BOY--"Well, I dunno. Muvver"s broke "er teapot, so she wants the cement, but farver wants the liniment. "E"s what muvver broke "er teapot on."
An old farmer and his wife drove to market one very wet day when large pools of water had formed in the roadway between the farm and the town. On the return journey he met an old friend.
"And how are you today?" was the friendly greeting.
"Very well, thank you," answered the farmer.
"How is the missus?" continued the friend.
"Fine," answered the farmer. "She"s behind there"--jerking his thumb toward the back of the wagon.
"She"s not there!" exclaimed the astonished friend.
The old farmer turned and looked over his shoulder. Then he coolly replied:
"Humph! That accounts for the splash."
CAUTION
A small boy, who was sitting next to a very haughty woman in crowded car, kept sniffling in a most annoying way, until the woman could stand it no longer.
"Boy, have you got a handkerchief?" she demanded.
The small boy looked at her for a few seconds, and then in a dignified tone, came the answer.
"Yes, I "ave, but I don"t lend it to strangers."
CHARACTER
Do not tell me the books you have read; let me glean it from your conversation. Do not tell me of the people you a.s.sociate with; let me observe it by your manners.--_Emerson_.
HOWELL--"What sort of a fellow is he?"
POWELL--"He can make two lemons grow where only one grew before and then hand them both to you when you are not looking."--_Judge_.
To those who know thee not, no words can paint! And those who know thee, know all words are faint!--_Hannah More_.
_The Stuff That Counts_
The test of a man is the fight he makes, The grit that he daily shows: The way he stands on his feet and takes Fate"s numerous b.u.mps and blows, A coward can smile when there"s naught to fear, When nothing his progress bars, But it takes a man to stand and cheer While some other fellow stars.
It isn"t the victory, after all, But the fight that a brother makes; The man who, driven against the wall, Still stands up erect and takes The blows of fate with his head held high, Bleeding and bruised, and pale.
Is the man who"ll win in the by and by, For he isn"t afraid to fail.
It"s the b.u.mps you get and the jolts you get And the shocks that your courage stands.
The hours of sorrow and vain regret, That prize that escapes your hands That test your mettle and prove your worth; It isn"t the blows you deal, But the blows you take on the good old earth That shows if your stuff is real.
--_Robert W. Service_.
BORLEIGH--"Some men, you know, are born great, some achieve greatness--"
Miss KEEN--"Exactly! And some just grate upon you."