"Nearly every week," was the response.
"h.e.l.l," said the doughboy, thinking of his own home in South Bend, Ind. Then, calling to a comrade, he added: "Hey, buddie; here"s a guy what commutes to the war!"
FIRST COMMUTER--"Do you have to take such an early train as this?"
SECOND COMMUTER--"No. But I find the earlier the train the less everybody cares to talk."
COMPARISONS
MR. JOHNSON (indignantly)--"Now see here, yo"! Dat"s twice yo" called me Jackson! If yo" don"t know no moah dan to confuse me wif dat wall-eyed, knock-kneed, bandy-legged, fiat-footed, paraletic n.i.g.g.e.r Jackson, we"ll call dis game right here!"
MR. PERSIMMONS--""Scuse me, Johnson-"scuse me! Don"t draw a razor on me like Jackson did de other night wen I called him Johnson. Yo"
two fellahs ain"t such a much alike "cept in youah looks an general characteristics. Dat"s all."
It is said that Mr. Asquith has only once been known to laugh outright when on a public platform. The record-making occasion was at a political meeting in Scotland. The Premier was constantly being interrupted, one of the chief hecklers being a farmer wearing a large straw hat. Suddenly from someone in the hall came a very personal remark concerning Mr. Asquith.
"Who said that?" he demanded, quickly.
There was sudden silence. Then a man in the audience stood up, and, pointing to the farmer with the straw hat, shouted:
"It was him wi" the coo"s breakfast on his head!"
The reply was altogether too much for Mr. Asquith, and he had to join in the general roar of laughter.
COMPENSATION
"There"s a bright side to everything."
"To those high food prices?"
"Certainly. Think of the cases of indigestion they have cured."
A little girl who had been out walking with her aunt heard the latter complaining that her feet were tired. "My feet get tired too, when I go out walking," said the small maiden, "but I always think what a nice ride my stomach has been having."
"Anyhow, there"s one advantage in having a wooden leg," said the veteran.
"What"s that?" asked his friend.
"You can hold your socks up with thumb-tacks."
COMPEt.i.tION
The clergyman"s eloquence may have been at fault, still he felt annoyed to find that an old gentleman fell asleep during the sermon on two consecutive Sundays. So, after service on the second week, he told the boy who accompanied the sleeper that he wished to speak to him in the vestry.
"My boy," said the minister, when they were closeted together, "who is that elderly gentleman you attend church with?"
"Grandpa," was the reply.
"Well," said the clergyman, "if you will only keep him awake during my sermon, I"ll give you a nickel each week."
The boy fell in with the arrangement, and for the next two weeks the old gentleman listened attentively to the sermon. The third week, however, found him soundly asleep.
The vexed clergyman sent for the boy and said: "I am very angry with you. Your grandpa was asleep again today. Didn"t I promise you a nickel a week to keep him awake?"
"Yes," replied the boy, "but grandpa now gives me a dime not to disturb him."
"Yes," said the specialist, as he stood at the bedside of the sick purchasing agent, "I can cure you."
"What will it cost?" asked the sick man, faintly.
"Ninety-five dollars."
"You"ll have to shade your price a little," replied the purchasing agent, "I have a better bid from the undertaker."
COMPLIMENTS
A rector in South London was visiting one of his poorer parishioners, an old woman, afflicted with deafness. She expressed her great regret at not being able to hear his sermons. Desiring to be sympathetic and to say something consoling, he replied, with unnecessary self-depreciation, "You don"t miss much."
"So they tell me," was the disconcerting reply.
"You don"t seem to enjoy being referred to as a good loser."
"No," replied Cactus Joe. "In the course of time a good loser comes to be regarded merely as a poor performer."
_See also_ Tact.