"h.e.l.lo, old fellow," greeted an acquaintance, rushing up to shake his hand. "I am certainly glad to see you around again."
"Thanks," responded the injured one. "I am glad to be around again."
"I see you are hanging fast to your crutches," observed the acquaintance. "Can"t you do without them?"
"My doctor says I can," answered the injured party, "but my lawyer says I can"t."
"I have come here," said the angry man to the superintendent of the street-car line, "to get justice; justice, sir. Yesterday, as my wife was getting off one of your cars, the conductor stept on her dress and tore a yard of frilling off the skirt."
The superintendent remained cool.
"Well, sir," he said, "I don"t know that we are to blame for that.
What do you expect us to do? Get her a new dress?"
"No, sir. I do not intend to let you off so easily as that," the other man replied gruffly. He brandished in his right hand a small piece of silk.
"What I propose to have you do," he said, "is to match this silk."
DANCING
The minister was dining with the Fullers and he was denouncing the new styles in dancing. Turning to the daughter of the house, he asked sternly:
"Do you yourself, Miss Fuller, think the girls who dance these dances are right?"
"They must be," was the answer, "because I notice the girls who don"t dance them are always left."
DAYLIGHT SAVING
"Is your husband in favor of daylight saving?"
"I think so. He stays out so much at night that I think he"d really prefer not to use any daylight at all."
Young Hopeful, who lives in the suburbs, was very much interested in the adjustment of the time, and on the morning when the clocks had been set back an hour awoke his mother.
"Mother, mother," he called from his little bed, "listen to Mrs.
Jones" chickens! They must have forgotten to tell them to set their crow back."
"Well, yes," admitted Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark., "I"ve heerd something or nuther about setting the clock for"ards or bac"ards for some reason. I don"t prezisely know what. But it don"t make no special difference at our house one way or tother for the clock runs about as it pleases till some of us sorter climb up and set it b"guess and b"gosh as you might say. And if we save or lose an hour or two what"s the odds? We"ve got all the time there is anyway."
Geordie Ryton, the village cobbler, bought two clocks, one a grandfather"s. He put it in a corner and placed a small nickel clock on the mantel-shelf. The grandfather"s clock has not been altered to the Daylight Saving Bill"s requirements. "Hoo is"t, Geordie," asked a customer, "ye"ve altered the smaal clock and not the gran"faither"s clock?"
"Wey," replied Geordie, "they said the gran"faither"s clock"s been tellin" the truth for ower sixty year, an" Aa can"t find it in me heart te make a liar ov it noo. But the little begger wes made in Jarmany, so it"ll be aal reet, he"s as reet as can be for that job."
"What is worrying you now?"
"Oh, nothing much," replied the man who is perpetually pensive. "I am merely trying to figure out what has become of all the daylight I saved since we set the clocks forward."
"Jonas," ordered the farmer, "all the clocks in the house have run down. Wish you"d hitch up and ride down to the junction and find out what time it is."
"I ain"t got a watch. Will you lend me one?"
"Watch! Watch! What d"ye want a watch fer? Write it down on a piece of paper."
DEAD BEATS
_See_ Bills; Collecting of accounts.
DEBTS
CREDITOR--"You couldn"t go around in your fine automobile if you paid your debts."
DEBTOR--"That"s so! I"m glad you look at it in the same light that I do."
HARDUPPE--"I really must apologize for looking so shabby."
FLUBDUBB--"Oh, clothes don"t make the man."
HARDUPPE--"Still, many a man owes a lot to his tailor."
"Look "ere--I asks yer for the last time for that "arf-dollar yer owes me."
"Thank "evins!--that"s the end of a silly question."