"I"m just waiting for my husband to complain about my extravagance this month."
"Ready to give him an argument, eh?"
"You bet I am. By mistake his golf-club checks came to the house, and I"ve got "em."
"You are not economical," said the infuriated husband.
"Well," flashed his wife, "if you don"t call a woman economical who saves her wedding dress for a possible second marriage, I"d love to know just what you do call economy."
"But your fiance has such a small salary, how are you going to live?"
"Oh, we"re going to economize. We"re going to do without such a lot of things that Jack needs."
"Are you an expert accountant," asked the prospective employer.
"Yes, sir," said the applicant.
"Your written references seem to be all right, but tell me more about yourself."
"Well, my wife kept a household account for thirty days. One night after supper I sat down and in less than an hour found out how much we owed our grocer."
"Hang up your hat and coat," said the employer with a glad smile. "The job is yours."
HE--"My dear, I"ve warned you before, and now I must insist that we try to live within our income."
SHE--"Oh, very well, if you want to be considered eccentric by everybody in our set."
"Now," said the bridegroom to the bride, when they returned from their honeymoon trip, "let us have a clear understanding before we settle down to married life. Are you the president or the vice-president of the society?"
"I want to be neither president nor vice-president," she answered. "I will be content with a subordinate position."
"What position is that, my dear?"
"Treasurer."
SHE--"When we go anywhere now we have to take the street-car. Before our marriage you always called a taxi."
HE--"Exactly. And that"s the reason we have to go in the street-car now."
"My wife certainly makes my salary go a long way."
"So does mine--so far that none of it ever comes back."
"I"m having trouble in supporting my wife."
"You don"t know what trouble is. Try not supporting her."
WILLIS--"The Highfliers are going to give up their big house this winter."
MRS. WILLIS--"You must be mistaken. I was talking with Mrs. Highflier only yesterday."
WILLIS--"Well. I was talking with the mortgagee only this morning."--_Puck_.
In a certain home-missionary movement every partic.i.p.ant was to contribute a dollar that she had earned herself by hard work. The night of the collection of the dollars came, and various and droll were the stories of earning the money. One woman had shampooed hair, another had made doughnuts, another had secured newspaper subscriptions, and so on.
The chairman turned to a handsome woman in the front row.
"Now, madam, it is your turn," he said. "How did you earn your dollar?"
"I got it from my husband," she answered.
"Oh!" said he. "From your husband? There was no hard work about that."
The woman smiled faintly.
"You don"t know my husband," she said.
"Before we were married, you used to send around a dozen roses every week," said she.
"Roses are easy," replied he. "This week I"m going to send around two tons of coal and a rib-roast."
LANDLADY--"That new boarder is either a married man or a widower."
PRETTY DAUGHTER--"Why, ma, he says he is a bachelor."
LANDLADY--"Well, I don"t believe it. When he opens his pocketbook to pay his board he always turns his back to me."
"Hicks promised to give his wife a dime for every one he spends for cigars."
"How does it work?"
"First rate. You see we meet every day and he buys me the drinks and I buy him the cigars."