UNABLE SEAMAN--"When I come around again the surgeon, he says to me, "I"m blooming sorry, mate, I don"t know what I was thinking about,"
he says, "but there"s a sponge missin", and I believe it"s sewed up inside yer!" "What"s the odds," I says, "let it be." An there it is to this day."
GULLIBLE OLD GENTLEMAN--"Bless my soul! Don"t it trouble you?"
UNABLE SEAMAN--"I don"t feel no particular pain from it, but I do get most uncommonly thirsty at times, sir."
_See also_ Drunkards; Temperance.
DRUNKARDS
The Lord Mayor of London had been dining pretty well, and Mr. Choate, Amba.s.sador to England, was seeing his Lordship to the door.
"Now, your Lordship, if you will allow me to advise you," said Mr.
Choate, "when you get to the sidewalk curb you will see two hansoms.
Take the one to the right: the one to the left doesn"t exist."
An intoxicated man hailed a cab.
After he had climbed in, the cabby leaned over and asked, "What street do you want?"
"What streets have you?" he inquired.
"Lots of "em," smiled the cabby, humoring him.
"Gimme "em all," he said, waving his arm grandly.
After they had been driving for several hours, the man in the cab ordered a stop.
"How mush do I owe you?"
"Seven dollars and fifty cents."
"Well--you better drive back till you get to thirty-fi" shents, "cause thashall I got."
WIFEY--"I heard a noise when you came in last night."
HUBBY--"Perhaps it was the night falling."
WIFEY (coldly)--"No, it wasn"t, it was the day breaking."
DUTCH
BIX--"I see there"s a report from Holland that concrete bases for German cannon have been found there."
DIX--"Don"t believe a word you hear from Holland. The geography says it is a low, lying country."
DYSPEPSIA
_Joy of Eating_
A well-known banker in a down-town restaurant was eating mush and milk.
"What"s the matter?" inquired a friend.
"Got dyspepsia."
"Don"t you enjoy your meals?"
"Enjoy my meals?" snorted the indignant dyspeptic. "My meals are merely guide-posts to take medicine before or after."
"Dyspepsia seldom kills anyone," said Akinside, "but--"
"No," returned old Festus Pester. "It makes them so talkative that everybody else wants to kill them."
EATING
_If We Didn"t Have To Eat_
Life would be an easy matter If we didn"t have to eat.
If we never had to utter, "Won"t you pa.s.s the bread and b.u.t.ter, Likewise push along that platter Full of meat?"
Yes, if food were obsolete Life would be a jolly treat, If we didn"t--shine or shower, Old or young, "bout every hour-- Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat-- "Twould be jolly if we didn"t have to eat.
We could save a lot of money If we didn"t have to eat.
Could we cease our busy buying, Baking, broiling, brewing, frying, Life would then be oh, so sunny And complete; And we wouldn"t fear to greet Every grocer in the street If we didn"t--man and woman, Every hungry, helpless human-- Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat-- We"d save money if we didn"t have to eat.
All our worry would be over If we didn"t have to eat.
Would the butcher, baker, grocer Get our hard-earned dollars? No, Sir!
We would then be right in clover Cool and sweet.
Want and hunger we could cheat, And we"d get there with both feet, If we didn"t--poor or wealthy, Halt or nimble, sick or healthy-- Have to eat, eat, eat, eat, eat-- We could get there if we didn"t have to eat.