"I tell ye, whin th" Clan an" th" Sons iv Sweden an" th" Banana Club an"
th" Circle Francaize an" th" Pollacky Benivolent Society an" th"
Rooshian Sons of Dinnymite an" th" Benny Brith an" th" Coffee Clutch that Schwartzmeister r-runs an" th" Tur-rnd"ye-mind an" th" Holland society an" th" Afro-Americans an" th" other Anglo-Saxons begin f"r to raise their Anglo-Saxon battle-cry, it"ll be all day with th" eight or nine people in th" wurruld that has th" misfortune iv not bein" brought up Anglo-Saxons."
"They"se goin" to be a debate on th" "lieance at th" ninety-eight picnic at Ogden"s gr-rove," said Mr. Hennessy.
"P"r"aps," said Mr. Dooley, sweetly, "ye might like to borry th" loan iv an ice-pick."
ON A LETTER FROM THE FRONT.
Mr. Dooley looked important, but affected indifference, as he mopped the bar. Mr. Hennessy, who had learned to study his friend in order to escape disagreeable complications, patiently waited for the philosopher to speak. Mr. Dooley rubbed the bar to the end, tossed the cloth into a mysterious recess with a practised movement, moved a gla.s.s or two on the shelf, cleaned his spectacles, and drew a letter from his pocket.
"Hm-m!" he said: "I have news fr"m th" fr-ront. Me nevvew, Terry Donahue, has sint me a letther tellin" me all about it."
"How shud he know?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
"How shud he know, is it?" Mr. Dooley demanded warmly. "How shudden"t he know? Isn"t he a sojer in th" ar-rmy? Isn"t it him that"s down there in Sandago fightin" f"r th" honor iv th" flag, while th" likes iv you is up here livin" like a prince, an" doin" nawthin" all th" livelong day but shovel at th" rollin"-mills? Who are ye f"r to criticize th"
dayfinders iv our counthry who ar-re lyin" in th" trinches, an" havin"
th" clothes stole off their backs be th" pathriotic Cubians, I"d like to know? F"r two pins, Hinnissy, you an" I"d quarrel."
"I didn"t mean nawthin"," Mr. Hennessy apologized. "I didn"t know he was down there."
"Nayether did I," said Mr. Dooley. "But I informed mesilf. I"ll have no wan in this place speak again th" ar-rmy. Ye can have ye"er say about Mack. He has a good job, an" "tis r-right an" proper f"r to baste him fr"m time to time. It shows ye"er in good thrim, an" it don"t hur-rt him. They"se no wan to stop his pay. He goes up to th" cashier an"
dhraws his forty-wan-sixty-six jus" th" same whether he"s sick or well, an" whether he"s pulled th" box reg-lar or has been playin" forty-fives in th" back room. But whin ye come to castin" aspersions on th" ar"rmy, be hivens, ye"ll find that I can put me thumb on this showcase an" go over at wan lep."
"I didn"t say annything," said Mr. Hennessy. "I didn"t know about Terry."
"Iv coorse, ye didn"t," said Mr. Dooley. "An" that"s what I"m sayin".
Ye"re here wallowin" in luxury, wheelin" pig ir"n fr"m morn till night; an" ye have no thought iv what"s goin" on beyant. You an" Jawn D.
Rockefeller an" Phil Ar-rmour an" Jay Pierpont Morgan an" th" r-rest iv ye is settin" back at home figurin" how ye can make some wan else pay ye"er taxes f"r ye. What is it to ye that me nevvew Terry is sleepin" in ditch wather an" atin" hard tacks an" coffee an" bein" r-robbed be leeber Cubians, an" catchin" yallow fever without a chanst iv givin" it to e"er a Spanyard. Ye think more iv a stamp thin ye do iv ye"er counthry. Ye"re like th" Sugar Thrust. F"r two cints ye"d refuse to support th" govermint. I know ye, ye bloated monno-polist."
"I"m no such thing," said Mr. Hennessy, hotly. "I"ve been a Dimmycrat f"r thirty year."
"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Dooley, "don"t speak disrayspictful iv th"
ar-rmy. Lave me r-read you Terry"s letter fr"m th" fr-ront. "M--m: In th" trinches, two miles fr"m Sandago, with a land crab as big as a lobster crawlin" up me back be way iv Kingston, June 6, Dear Uncle Martin." That"s th" way it begins. "Dear Uncle Martin: We are all well here, except thim that is not, an" hope ye"re injyin" th" same gr-reat blessin". It"s hotter down here thin Billy-be-dam"d. They"se a rollin"-mill near here jus" th" same as at home, but all th" hands is laid off on account iv bad times. They used ol"-fashioned wooden wheelbahrs an" fired with wood. I don"t think they cud handle th" pig th" way we done, bein" small la-ads. Th" c.o.ke has to be hauled up in sacks be th" gang. Th" derrick hands got six a week, but hadn"t anny union. Helpers got four twinty. Puddlers was well paid. I wint through th" plant befure we come up here, an" r-run a wagon up th" plank jus"
to keep me hand in. Tell me frinds that wan gang iv good la-ads fr"m th"
r-road cud wurruk anny three iv th" gangs down here. Th" mills is owned be Rockefellar, so no more at prisint fr"m yer affecshunate nevvew, Peter Casey, who"s writin" this f"r me.""
""Tis a good letter," said Mr. Hennessy. "I don"t see how they cud get derrick hands f"r six a week."
"Me frind Jawn D. knows how," said Mr. Dooley.
ON OUR CUBAN ALLIES.
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "dam thim Cubians! If I was Gin"ral Shafter, I"d back up th" wagon in front iv th" dure, an" I"d say to Gin"ral Garshy, I"d say, "I want you"; an" I"d have thim all down at th"
station an" dacently booked be th" desk sergeant befure th" fall iv night. Th" impydince iv thim!"
"What have they been doin"?" Mr. Hennessy asked.
"Failin" to undherstand our civilization," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see, it was this way. This is th" way it was: Gin"ral Garshy with wan hundherd thousan" men"s been fightin" bravely f"r two years f"r to liberyate Cubia. F"r two years he"s been marchin" his sivinty-five thousan" men up an" down th" island, desthroyin" th" haughty Spanyard be th" millyons.
Whin war was declared, he offered his own sarvice an" th" sarvices iv his ar-rmy iv fifty thousan" men to th" United States; an", while waitin" f"r ships to arrive, he marched at th" head iv his tin thousan"
men down to Sandago de Cuba an" captured a cigar facthry, which they soon rayjooced to smokin" ruins. They was holdin" this position--Gin"ral Garshy an" his gallant wan thousan" men--whin Gin"ral Shafter arrived.
Gin"ral Garshy immedjitly offered th" sarvices iv himsilf an" his two hundherd men f"r th" capture iv Sandago; an", when Gin"ral Shafter arrived, there was Gin"ral Garshy with his gallant band iv fifty Cubians, r-ready to eat at a minyit"s notice.
"Gin"ral Shafter is a big, coorse, two-fisted man fr"m Mitchigan, an", whin he see Gin"ral Garshy an" his twinty-five gallant followers, "Fr-ront," says he. "This way," he says, "step lively," he says, "an"
move some iv these things," he says. "Sir," says Gin"ral Garshy, "d"ye take me f"r a dhray?" he says. "I"m a sojer," he says, "not a baggage car," he says. "I"m a Cubian pathrite, an" I"d lay down me life an" the lives iv ivry wan iv th" eighteen brave men iv me devoted ar-rmy," he says; "but I"ll be dam"d if I carry a thrunk," he says. "I"ll fight whiniver "tis cool," he says, "an" they ain"t wan iv these twelve men here that wudden"t follow me to h.e.l.l if they was awake at th" time," he says; "but," he says, "if "twas wurruk we were lookin" f"r, we cud have found it long ago," he says. "They"se a lot iv it in this counthry that n.o.body"s usin"," he says. "What we want," he says, "is freedom," he says; "an", if ye think we have been in th" woods dodgin" th" savage corryspondint f"r two year," he says, "f"r th" sake iv r-rushin" yer laundhry home," he says, "tis no wondher," he says, "that th" r-roads fr"m Marinette to Kalamazoo is paved with goold bricks bought be th"
people iv ye"er native State," he says.
"So Shafter had to carry his own thrunk; an" well it was f"r him that it wasn"t Gin"ral Miles", the weather bein" hot. An" Shafter was mad clear through; an", whin he took hold iv Sandago, an" was sendin" out invitations, he scratched Garshy. Garshy took his gallant band iv six back to th" woods; an" there th" three iv thim ar-re now, ar-rmed with forty r-rounds iv canned lobster, an" ready to raysist to th" death. Him an" th" other man has written to Gin"ral Shafter to tell him what they think iv him, an" it don"t take long."
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I think Shafter done wrong. He might"ve asked Garshy in f"r to see th" show, seein" that he"s been hangin"
ar-round f"r a long time, doin" th" best he cud."
"It isn"t that," explained Mr. Dooley. "Th" throuble is th" Cubians don"t undherstand our civilization. Over here freedom means hard wurruk.
What is th" ambition iv all iv us, Hinnissy? "Tis ayether to hold our job or to get wan. We want wurruk. We must have it. D"ye raymimber th"
sign th" mob carrid in th" procession las" year? "Give us wurruk, or we perish," it said. They had their heads bate in be polismen because no philan-thropist"d come along an" make thim shovel coal. Now, in Cubia, whin th" mobs turns out, they carry a banner with the wurruds, "Give us nawthin" to do, or we perish." Whin a Cubian comes home at night with a happy smile on his face, he don"t say to his wife an" childher, "Thank Gawd, I"ve got wurruk at last!" He says, "Thank Gawd, I"ve been fired."
An" th" childher go out, and they say, "Pah-pah has lost his job." And Mrs. Cubian buys hersilf a new bonnet; and where wanst they was sorrow an" despair all is happiness an" a cottage organ.
"Ye can"t make people here undherstand that, an" ye can"t make a Cubian undherstand that freedom means th" same thing as a pinitinchry sintince.
Whin we thry to get him to wurruk, he"ll say: "Why shud I? I haven"t committed anny crime." That"s goin" to be th" throuble. Th" first thing we know we"ll have another war in Cubia whin we begin disthributin" good jobs, twelve hours a day, wan sivinty-five. Th" Cubians ain"t civilized in our way. I sometimes think I"ve got a touch iv Cubian blood in me own veins."
ON THE DESTRUCTION OF CERVERA"S FLEET.
[These comments were made by Mr. Dooley during a strike of the stereotypers, which caused the English newspapers of Chicago temporarily to suspend publication.]
"I hear," said Mr. Hennessy, "that th" stereopticons on th" newspapers have sthruck."
"I sh"d think they wud," said Mr. Dooley. "Th" las" time I was down town was iliction night, whin Charter Haitch"s big la-ad was ilicted, an"
they was wurrukin" th" stereopticons till they was black in th" face.
What"s th" news?"
"Th" What Cheer, Ioway, Lamp iv Freedom is on th" sthreets with a tillygram that Shafter has captured Sandago de Cuba, an" is now settin"
on Gin"ral Pando"s chest with his hands in his hair. But this is denied be th" Palo Gazoot, the Macoupin County Raygisther, an" th" Meridyan Sthreet Afro-American. I also see be th" Daily Scoor Card, th" Wine List, th" Deef Mute"s Spokesman, th" Morgue Life, the Bill iv Fare, th"
Stock Yards Sthraight Steer, an" Jack"s Tips on th" Races, the on"y daily paper printed in Chicago, that Sampson"s fleet is in th" Suez Ca.n.a.l bombarding Cades. Th" Northwestern Christyan Advycate says this is not thrue, but that George Dixon was outpointed be an English boxer in a twinty-r-round go in New York."
"Ye"ve got things mixed up," said Mr. Dooley. "I get th" news sthraight.
"Twas this way. Th" Spanish fleet was bottled up in Sandago Harbor, an"
they dhrew th" cork. That"s a joke. I see it in th" pa-apers. Th"