SCENE: _Mr. Foote Lyter"s back Drawing-room. Private Theatricals. Dress Rehearsal._
_Mr. Foote Lyter._ "I say, Drawle, while the Duke is having his scene with Dora, where am _I_ to stand!" _Captain Drawle_ (_amateur stage manager_). "Well--er--my dear fellow--er--er--it"s your own house, you know--_you can stand where you like_!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE POINT OF VIEW.--_Exasperated Old Gentleman_ (_to lady in front of him_). "Excuse me, madam, but my seat has cost me ten shillings, and I want to see. Your hat----" _The Lady._ "My hat has cost me ten _guineas_, sir, and I want it to _be seen_!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: Tomkins, who has recently made his appearance _en amateur_ as the Melancholy Dane, goes to have his photograph taken "in character." Unfortunately, on reaching the corner of the street, he finds _the road is up_, and he has to walk to the door! Tableau!!]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Clever Juvenile_ (_loq._). "Shakspeare? Pooh! For my part I consider Shakspeare a very much over-rated man."]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE FORTHCOMING PANTOMIME
_Astonished Friend._ "Why!--Why! What on earth are these?"
_Manager._ "These? Oh! These are _fairies_!!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: MR. PUNCH"S PATENT MATINEE HAT.
Fitted with binocular gla.s.ses for the benefit of those sitting behind its wearer.]
[Ill.u.s.tration: HEARD AT A PROVINCIAL CIRCUS.--_Wag_ (_to unfortunate small gent, who has vainly endeavoured to persuade lady to remove her hat_). "Don"t you see she"s got a bird in her hat, sitting? You wouldn"t have the lady addle-headed, would you?"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE AMATEURS.--_Suburban Roscius._ "Ah, I saw you were at our "theatricals" the other night. How did you like my a.s.sumption of _Hamlet_?" _Candid Friend._ "My dear f"llar--great"st piece of a.s.sumption I ever saw i" m" life!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: CAUSE AND EFFECT
_Eminent Provincial Tragedian._ "Come hithorr, sweet one! Your mothorr tells me that you shed teorrs during my soliloquy in exile, last night!"
_Sweet One._ "Yes, sir. Mother kept on pinching me, "cause I was so sleepy!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "EXCLUSIVE"
_Our Philanthropist_ (_who often takes the shilling gallery_--_to his neighbour_). "Only a middling house."
_Unwashed Artisan._ "Ay--that sixpence extry, "rather heavy for the likes o" huz, y"know. But there"s one thing--it keeps out the riff-raff!!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE DRAMA.--_aesthetic Critic_ (_at the club, after the theatre_). "Can you imagine anything more utterly solemn than the _denoument_ in _Romeo and Juliet_? Two lovers, both dying in the same vault! What fate more weirdly tragic could----"
_Cynical Old Bachelor_ (_who has evidently never read the play_).
"Um--"s no knowing. The author might "a" married "em!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Distinguished Amateur_ (_about to make his first appearance in public at a concert for the people_). "Oh, I _do_ feel so nervous!" _Sympathetic Friend._ "Oh, there"s no occasion to be nervous, my dear fellow. They applaud _anything_!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE MAIDEN"S POINT OF VIEW.--_Mamma_ (_to Maud, who has been with her brother to the play, and is full of it_). "But was there no _love_ in the piece, then?" _Maud._ "_Love?_ Oh dear no, mamma. The princ.i.p.al characters were _husband and wife_, you know!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: LA COMEDIE FRANcAISE
_Jones_ (_who understands French so well, although he does not speak it_), _reading over list of pieces to be played at the Gaiety_:--""Le Gendre de M. Poirier." Why, what gender _should_ the man be, I should like to know!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "THOSE WHO LIVE IN GLa.s.s HOUSES," ETC.--_The Bishop._ "I hope your grandchildren liked the circus, Lady G.o.diva. That was a wonderful performance of Mlle. Pet.i.tpas on the bare-backed steed, wasn"t it?"
_Lady G.o.diva._ "Yes--a--but I dislike those bare-backed performances.
They"re so risky, you know!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: A very cold audience. (Suggestion for the stalls in mid-winter)]
[Ill.u.s.tration: A CASE OF "NO COMPRENNY"
"Ha! Mistare Robinson! "Ow do you do? "Av you seen ze last new piece at ze "Olleborne? Supairrb! Splendeed!! Good!!!"
"A--no--I don"t patronise the English drama. I like finish, delicacy, refinement; and I"m happy to say I"ve secured tickets for all the French plays!"
"Tiens! Mais vous savez le Francais, alors?"
"A--I beg your pardon?"
"Je vous demande si vous savez le Francais, parbleu! Cruche, Melon, Baudet, Dinde, Jobard, Cretin, Momie, Colin-Maillard que vous etes?"