_The Clerk._ The Director-General replies, sir, that in the early days of the British Army, when the Army Clothing Department"s sole issue was a supply of woad, a tooth, or indeed a nail, might have reasonably been indented for as a weapon, but that, owing to the introduction and perfection of fire-arms, such weapons are now obsolete and cannot be issued.
_The Officer._ And now the Medical Service refuse to help us.
_The Clerk._ Yes, sir. They cannot bring the fixing of it under the head of surgical operations, and the Surgeon-General points out very justly, if I may be permitted to say so, sir, that a seal-pattern false tooth could hardly be considered a "medical comfort."
_The Officer._ What are we to do? The Colonel of the regiment is evidently furious.
_The Clerk._ We might send the correspondence to the Inspector of Iron Structures. He may be able to do or suggest something.
_The Officer._ Very well; and will you send off this telegram to my wife saying I have a long evening"s work before me, and that I shall not be able to get back to dinner to-night? (_Exit the Clerk._) Whenever will they trust a General Commanding a District to spend for the public good on his own responsibility a sum as large as a schoolboy"s allowance, and so take some of the unnecessary work off our shoulders?
[_He tackles wearily another file of papers._
[Ill.u.s.tration: UNDER COVER.
"So glad to see you, Mrs. Bamsby! And how is your dear husband? Where _is_ the Colonel? I was only saying the other day, "I wonder when I shall see Colonel Bamsby!""
_Mrs. Colonel B._ "You"ll see him _now_, my dear if I just step aside, or you walk round me."]
[Ill.u.s.tration: EASTER MANOEUVRES.
_Adjutant._ "Your orders are that when you are attacked, Captain Slasher, you are to fall back slowly."
_Capt. Slasher._ "In which direction am I to retire, sir?"
_Adjutant._ "Well, the proper way, of course, would be over that hill, but--_they intend to have lunch behind that farmhouse in the valley._"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "SYNONYMOUS."
_Instructor._ "Now, I"ve explained the different "sights," you, Private Dumpy, tell me what a fine "sight" is. Describe it as well as you can----"
_Private Dumpy._ "A fine sight, sir? A fine sight--(_pondering_)--"s a magnificen" spe"tacle, sir!!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: VOLUNTEER MANOEUVRES
_Sergeant._ "Can I do anything for you, captain?"
_Captain._ "Why, thanky, sergeant. If you wouldn"t mind giving my other leg a hitch over!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: MULTUM IN PARVO
_Inspecting Officer._ "How is it your khaki is so much too small?"
_Stout Yeoman._ "It do seem a bit skimpy, sur. But tailor says as how I"m bound to grow a "eap smaller on hactive service, an" "e"s allowin"
for shrinkage."
INSTRUCTIONS TO NAUTICAL MEN IN THE n.o.bLE ART OF QUADRILLE DANCING
LE PANTALON.--Haul upon the starboard tack and let the other craft pa.s.s--then bear up and get your head on the other tack--regain your berth on the port tack--back and fill with your partner and boxhaul her--wear round twice against the sun in company with the opposite craft, then your own--afterwards boxhaul her again and bring her up.
L"ETE.--Shoot ahead about two fathoms till you nearly come stem on with the other craft under weigh--then make a stern board to your berth and side out for a bend, first to starboard, then to port--make sail and pa.s.s the opposite craft--then get your head round on the other tack--another side to starboard and port--then make sail to regain your berth--wear round, back and fill and boxhaul your partner.
LA POULE.--Heave ahead and pa.s.s your adversary yard-arm to yard-arm--regain your berth on the other tack in the same order--take your station in a line with your partner--back and fill--fall on your heel and bring up with your partner--she then manoeuvres ahead and heaves all aback, fills and shoots ahead again and pays off alongside--you then make sail in company, till nearly stem on with the other line--make a stern board and cast her off to shift for herself--regain your berth in the best means possible, and let go your anchor.
LA TRENISE.--Wear round as before against the sun twice, boxhaul the lady, and range up alongside her, and make sail in company--when half-way across to the other sh.o.r.e drop astern with the tide--shoot ahead again and cast off the tow--now back and fix as before and boxhaul her and yourself into your berth, and bring up.
LA PASTORALE.--Shoot ahead alongside your partner, then make a stern board--again make all sail over to the other coast--let go the hawser, and pay off into your own berth and take a turn--the three craft opposite range up abreast towards you twice, and back astern again--now manoeuvre any rig you like, only under easy sail, as it is always "light winds" (zephyrs) in this pa.s.sage--as soon as you see their helms down, haul round in company with them on port tack--then make all sail with your partner into your own berth, and bring up.
LA FINALE.--Wear round to starboard, pa.s.sing under your partner"s bows--sight the catheads of craft on your starboard bow--then make sail into your own berth--your partner pa.s.sing athwart your bows--now proceed according to the second order of sailing--to complete the evolutions shoot ahead and back astern twice, in company with the whole squadron, in the circular order of sailing.
[Ill.u.s.tration: WHAT THE "BRITISH GRENADIER" IS INEVITABLY COMING TO
Some talk of Alexander, and some of Pericles, Of Hector and Lysander, and such old guys as these; But of all the horrid objects, the "wust" I do declare, Is the Prusso-Rus...o...b..lgo-Gallo-British Grenadier.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE RESERVE FORCES."
_Militia Officer._ "Augh!--a new man. Ah--"ve you been in "service before?"
_Recruit._ "Yes, sir."
_Officer._ "Augh--what regiment?"
_Recruit._ "Mrs. Wiggins"s coachman, sir!!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration]
THE END