_Answer._ To follow the precedent of former Summers, and get over as much ground as possible.
_Q._ How do you manage this?
_A._ With the a.s.sistance of a ticket guaranteed to make distance a greater consideration than scenery.
_Q._ Is it necessary to examine the places _en route_ with much careful consideration?
_A._ Certainly not, as the Guide-book of the place visited will supply the compulsory omissions.
_Q._ What are compulsory omissions?
_A._ Objects of interest left out for want of time to give them an inspection.
_Q._ How long would you give St. Peter"s at Rome?
_A._ A quarter of an hour, and the Colosseum at the same place ten minutes.
_Q._ Could you not spare more time than this from your holiday?
_A._ No; for luncheon and dinner have to be taken into consideration in the touring table.
_Q._ What object of interest would you examine in the Land of the Midnight Sun?
_A._ The sun at midnight, if it happened to be shining.
_Q._ And if you visited the Rhine by the railway, what object of interest would chiefly attract your attention?
_A._ The interior of the compartment in which you happened to be travelling.
_Q._ What advantage would you derive from your tour?
_A._ The satisfaction of explaining to non-tourists where you had been rather than what you had seen.
_Q._ Do you consider that your mind would derive much benefit from your rapid locomotion?
_A._ Not much, nor my body either.
_Q._ But I presume your outing would justify the t.i.tle of this Vade Mec.u.m?
_A._ Most certainly; because, by the end of your journey, you might accurately describe your condition as one who had been reduced to a skeleton.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Nervous Tourist._ "Stop, driver, stop! There"s something wrong! I am sure a wheel"s coming off!"
_Driver._ "Arrah, be aisy then, yer honour. Sure, it"s the same one"s been comin" off thin these three days back!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: (_Sketched on the pier just after the arrival of the boat._)
_"Arry_ (_viewing stormy sea in a mutoscope_). "My eye, Maria, come an"
"ave a look "ere. The motion of the waives is simply grand!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: A CONTINENTAL TRIP.--_First Man_ (_tasting beer_).
"Hullo! I ordered lager. This isn"t lager!"
_Second Man_ (_tasting_). "No; but it"s jolly good, all the same!"
_Third Man_ (_tasting_). "C"est magnifique! mais ce n"est pas lager-r-r!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: ON THE GRAND TOUR.--Scene--_Staircase of the Palazzo Bianco._--(_Enter the Joneses of London._) _Chorus of Maidens._ "O, ma, dear! O, papa! do look! _Isn"t_ this charming? _Isn"t_ it delightful?
Only fancy--the _Bragginton Smiths_ were here last month!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE FAULT OF THE FOWL
SCENE--_Coffee-Room, Hotel, Guernsey._
_Visitor_ (_gazing at a guinea-fowl"s egg_). "Waiter! Can you tell me what egg this is?"
_Waiter._ "Oh, sir, it"s a Guernsey egg. They sometimes lays them like that. It"s not done in the boiling!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: CORRECTED.--_Lady Tourist_ (_doing the cathedrals of Scotland_). "This is _Gothic_, isn"t it, John?"
_Juvenile Vendor of "Guides"_ (_severely_). "No, mem, _this is Presbyterian_."]
At HOMBURG-V.-D.-H.--_Colonel Twister_ (_in the hotel smoking-room_).
Yes! I once played a game of pool at Senecarabad, holding the cue in my teeth, and captured all the loot!
_Captain Longbow._ Pooh! That"s nothing! About a month ago I matched myself at sh.e.l.l-out against Fred Fandango, and clutching the cue between my toes, walked in lying on my back!
_Colonel Twister_ (_taken unawares_). But how the deuce did you manage to see the table?
_Captain Longbow._ See the table? Why, had the cloth lighted with Rontgen rays, of course! Saw through the slate!
[_The Colonel abruptly says "Good Night" to the company, and leaves for Schlangenbad next morning._