_Tommy_ (_in doubt_). "F-f-f-feel me!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Bilious Old Uncle._ "I"m delighted to see this fall; it will give that dreadful boy chilblains, and he"ll be laid up out of mischief."]
SUNDAY SCHOOLING.--_Teacher._ What does one mean by "Heaping coals of fire on someone"s head" now, Harry Hawkins?
_Harry Hawkins._ Givin" it "im "ot, teacher!
_Auntie._ Do you love the chickens, dear?
_Dolly._ Yes, Auntie. But I do wish this big one hadn"t such a funny laugh!
[Ill.u.s.tration: Occupation of "that dreadful boy" at the same period.]
CHRONOLOGY.--_Old Gentleman_ ("_putting a few questions_"). Now, boys--ah--can any of you tell me what commandment Adam broke when he took the forbidden fruit?
_Small Scholar_ ("_like a shot_"). Please, sir, th"worn"t no commandments then, sir!
[_Questioner sits corrected._]
AT A CHILDREN"S PARTY
DURING TEA
Yes, _isn"t_ it a pretty sight.... Oh, they"re _much_ too busy to talk at present.... Well, if you _would_ take this cup of tea to my little girl, dear Mr. m.u.f.fett, it would be so----Yes, in the white frock....
_Pray_ don"t apologise--some tea upsets _so_ easily, doesn"t it?... Oh!
I don"t suppose it will show, really, and if it _does_.... Please, will everybody keep quite quiet for a minute or two; I haven"t said my grace.... Don"t you think it"s unfair of nurse? She"s handed me bread-and-b.u.t.ter twice running!... I mustn"t eat sponge-cake, thank you.
Bath buns are better for me than anything.... I was _so_ ill after Christmas. They took my temperament with the barometer, and it was two hundred and six!... Oh! that"s nothing. When _I_ was ill, the doctor said mine was perfectly Norman!... Well, you _might_ lower that candleshade a _very_ little, perhaps, Mr. m.u.f.fett.... Ah! don"t blow it out.... Throw it into the fire, quick!... It doesn"t matter in the _least_. No; I wouldn"t trouble about the _other_ shades, thanks....
Mother, will you read me the text out of my cracker?... But if you"re going to be a soldier, you oughtn"t to shut your eyes when you pull a cracker.... Oh! when I"m a soldier, I needn"t _go_ to parties.
[Ill.u.s.tration: WELL BROUGHT UP.--"Now then, my little men, didn"t you see that board on that tree?"
"Yes."
"Well, then, can"t you read?"
"Yes, but we never look at anything marked "private.""]
DURING A PERFORMANCE OF PUNCH AND JUDY
_A Thoughtful Child._ What a dreadful thing it would be to have a papa like Punch!
_A Puzzled Child._ Mother, why is the man at the side so _polite_ to Punch? He calls him "Sir"--is Punch _really_ a gentleman?
_A Good Little Girl._ I do wish they would leave all the fighting out; it must set such a bad example to children.
_An Appreciative Boy._ Oh! I say, _did_ you hear what the clown said then? He said something had frightened all the hair off his head except that little tuft at the top, and it turned _that_ sky-blue!
[_He goes into fits of laughter._
_A Matter-of-fact Boy._ Yes, I heard--but I don"t believe it _could_.
_The Child of the House._ I _am_ so glad Tip is shut up downstairs, because I"m afraid, if he"d been up here and seen Toby act, he"d have wanted to run away and go on the stage himself, and I don"t think he"s the sort of dog who would ever be a _success_, you know!
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE JOYS OF ANTIc.i.p.aTION.--"When are you coming out with me, mummy?"
"Not this morning, darling. I"ve too much to do!"
"Oh, but you _must_, mummy. I"ve already put it in my new diary that you _did_!"]
DURING THE DANCING
_Jack._ I say, Mabel, you"ve got to dance the "Washington Post" with _me_.
_Mabel._ I can"t. I"ve promised Teddy Thistledown.
_Jack._ Oh! _that"s_ all right. I swapped with him for a Nicaragua stamp.
_Mabel_ (_touched_). But aren"t they rare? Didn"t you want it yourself?
_Jack._ Oh! I don"t collect, you know.
_George_ (_to Ethel_). They"ve given us the whole of "Ivanhoe" to mug up for a holiday task. Isn"t it a beastly shame?
_Ethel._ But don"t you like Scott?
_George._ Oh! I don"t mind _Scott_ so much. It"s having to grind in the holidays that _I_ bar.
_Hester_ (_to Roland_). Shall you go to the pantomime this year?