"In Spring when woods are getting green,"
My wife begins the house to clean, And I am driven from this scene, Of scrub-land.
The mops and pails left on the stairs I come across, quite unawares, And break my shins and utter--prayers, For tub-land.
In clouds of dust I choke and cough, Such draughts! My hat I dare not doff, I"d go (if I were not a toff) To pub-land.
But--mum--I won"t kick up a shine Nor of delight give any sign, But, quietly, I"m off to dine In Club-land.
A SOAKER"S PARADISE.--Dropmore.
A MONSTER MEETING.--A giant and a dwarf.
POETICAL LICENCE.--A music-hall"s.
TURF REFORM.--Mowing the lawn.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Quiet Man_ (_as a particularly "steep" story of adventure comes to a close_). "Er--will somebody pa.s.s the _salt_, please?"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Adolphus_ (_grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little dinner down the river_). "Waitar--you can--ah--leave us!"
_Old Waiter._ "Hem!--yessir--but--you"ll pard"n me, sir--we"ve so many gents--"don"t wish to impute nothink, sir--but master--"fact is, sir--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--we"re--you see, sir--"_sponsible for the plate, sir_!!!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: GRAND BURNS" FESTIVAL--BROWN ENTERTAINS HIS FRIEND WI" A HAGGIS!]
DISCLAIMER BY A DINER-OUT
Abolish party? Whose delight were greater Than mine? I hail the chance with rapture hearty.
But oh! I _can"t_ agree with the _Spectator_, Who"d do away with--G.o.ds!--the dinner party!
No, let us compromise,--we"ll all be winners,-- And firmly banish party from our dinners!
SYMPATHY
(SCENE--_In front of Mrs. R."s house_)
_Mrs. Ramsbotham_ (_paying Cabman_). You look all right to-day.
_Cabman._ Ah, mum! my looks don"t pity me. I suffer from a tarpaulin liver.
_Mrs. R._ (_correcting_). A torpedo liver, you mean.
[_Cabman accepts the correction, and an extra shilling_]
[Ill.u.s.tration]
[Ill.u.s.tration: HAPPY THOUGHT.--_Sir Pompey Bedell_ (_poking the fire in his new smoking-room_). "This wretched chimney has got into a most objectionable way of smoking. A--I can"t cure it." _Bedell Junior._ "Just give it a couple of your cigars, governor!--it"ll never smoke again!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "CRAMMING"]
"CRAMMING."
_Affectionate Uncle._ "Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about it. What form are you in, old boy?"
_Nephew_ (_just returned from Harrow_). "Well, uncle, not so bad, I think. I can generally manage a couple of eggs, two sausages, or kidneys, some Dundee marmalade, and two cups of coffee for breakfast. I always have a little luncheon, any amount of roast beef or mutton for dinner, and I generally look in at the confectioner"s in the afternoon, and invariably wind up with a good supper. What do you think of that?"
[_Disappointed and misunderstood uncle subsides, and thinks it best to make no comments._
[Ill.u.s.tration]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Old Gentleman_ (_who has not hurried over his dinner, and has just got his bill_). "Waiter, what"s this? I"m charged here twopence for stationery. You know I"ve had none----"
_Irish Waiter._ "Faix! yer honour, I don"t know. Y"ave been sittin" here a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "A STRICT REGARD FOR TRUTH."--_Nephew._ "Hold up, uncle, people"ll think you"re screwed!"
_Uncle_ (_the wedding breakfast had been hilarious_). "Shcrew"d! No, no, Sheorgsh! No" sh" bad "sh that! "Shame time--don" le"sh be"--(_lurching heavily_)--"osht"n--tas"hly shober! "Can"t bear osht"ntash"n!!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: SEASONABLE LUXURY