_Old Party_ (_very naturally excited_). "Why, confound you! You are wiping my plate with your handkerchief!"

_Waiter_ (_blandly_). "It"s of no consequence, sir--it"s only a dirty one!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: IN DESPERATE STRAITS

_Jones_ (_blue ribbon--to abstemious lady he has taken in to dinner_).

"Look here, madam, we don"t seem to be getting on a _bit_! Either you must have a gla.s.s of champagne, or, by Jove, I must!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

_Guest_ (_who is a bon-vivant, to host, who isn"t_). "You must come and dine with _me_, Jones!"

_Host._ "With pleasure, my dear friend! When?"

_Guest._ "_Now!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "NOT QUITE THE CHEESE!"

_British Farmer._ "What sort o" cheese do you call this? Full o" holes!"

_Waiter._ "Grew-yere, sir."

_British Farmer_ (_suspiciously_). "Then just bring one that grew somewhere else!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration]

THE END

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