SONG OF THE c.o.c.kNEY SPORTSMAN
How happy could I be in heather, At the grouse gaily blazing away!
But then, somehow, I can"t touch a feather, So "tis better at Brighton to stay.
PRO BONO.--There is one first-rate joint that comes to table which is the c.o.c.kney"s prime aversion--the h-bone.
[Ill.u.s.tration: A MODEL MODEL.
(_The artist is rather shy, and has left his model to do the honours of his studio._) "From whom did Mr. M"Gilp paint that head?"
"From yours obediently, madam. I sit for the "eads of all "is "oly men."
"He must find you a very useful person."
"Yes, madam. I order his frames, stretch his canvases, wash his brushes, set his palette, and mix his colours. All _he"s_ got to do is just to _shove "em on!_"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Tripper._ ""Ere! "Arf a mo"! Where"s the change out o"
that bob I gave yer?"
_Bystander._ "Don"t worry about it, c.o.c.ky; ain"t you got the bloomin"
"oss as security!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Holiday Driver (returning from a pic-nic)._ "Excuse me, sir, but can you see anything wrong with the "arness of this "ere "orse?"]
SPORTSMEN AT SEA.
_(Tom exhibiting a tern which he has shot)._ I say, "Arry, wot bird "s this "ere?
_"Arry._ A auk, I should say.
_Tom._ What yer calls a sparrerawk?
_"Arry._ No. Hay, u, k, auk, without the sparrer.
A c.o.c.kNEY"S EPITAPH
THINK! "From the cradle to the grave!" my brother, A nurse takes you from one, an "ea.r.s.e to t"other.
A VULGAR ERROR.--Misplacing the haspirate.
A CHEVALIERESQUE CONUNDRUM.--_Coster Bill (to "Arriet)._ I si! When is your young man like a fish out of water?
_"Arriet._ Oh, g"long! Give"t up.
_Coster Bill._ Why, when "es a _witin"_ round the corner.
[Short encounter, and exeunt severally.
[Ill.u.s.tration: A CAPITAL ANSWER.
_"Self-made" Man (examining school, of which he is a manager)._ "Now, boy, what"s the capital of "Olland?"
_Boy._ "An "H," sir."]
DISCOVERED IN DRURY LANE
(_Near the new Baker Street Lodging House established by the County Council._)
I "old it true wote"er befall, I feel it when things go most cross, Better do a fi"penny doss, Than never do a doss at all!
UNIVERSITY SYMPATHY.
_First Errand Boy (after the University Boat Race)._ Wot "ave yer got a light blue ribbon in yer b.u.t.ton "ole for, Tommy?
_Second E. B. (promptly)._ "Cos our "ouse allus sells Cambridge sausages!
A MATTER OF TASTE.
_Vulgar Parvenu (who is watching the interior decorations of his house)._ "Don"t you think that tapestry "eats the rooms?"
_Artistic Decorator._ "Very possibly, sir; you see, it"s Goblin (_Gobelin_)."