_Giles._ "I reckon he"s allers in at meal-times, sir!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Curate._ "Oh--er--by the way, Mr. Bloggs, I was wondering whether you would give me a small subscription for a most excellent object: I mean the repairing of the cemetery wall."
_Wealthy Parvenu._ "Not me, sir. The cemetery wall don"t _need_ any repairing. Them as is inside can"t get out, an" them as is outside don"t want to get in. Good mornin"!"]
_First Rustic_ (_just out of the County Hospital_). An" they putt me under that theer chlorryfum--an" I simmed to go right oop into "Evin--yes, I wur oop in "Evin fur a toime, sure "nough.
_Second Rustic_ (_with interest_). An" did ye "ear a pianner?
_Elderly Farmer_ (_who is being applied to for the character of his late shepherd_). No, I never "ad no fault to find wi" the fellow--(_conscientiously_) not as I knows on. He unnerstan"s shep--I will say _that_ fur "en--he"s a rare "un at doctorin" of "em, too. An" a stiddy chap an" that, keps a civil tongue in "is yead, and don"t go away on the booze. No, _I_ aint got nawthen" to say "gainst th" man.
_The Inquirer._ Would ye hev any objection to sayin" why ye"re partin"
wi" en?
_Eld. F._ Well, I dunno as theer was any partickler _reason_ for "t.
(_He endeavours to think of one in a puzzle-headed way._) I s"pose I must ha" thowt I"d make a bit of a shift like--and theer ye hev it.
_First Stock-breeder_ (_to Second_). Well, an" how"s Muster Spuddock to-day?
_Muster Spuddock._ Oh, "mong th" middlins--"mong th" middlins. Pretty well fur an old "un.
_First Stockbr._ An" how"s trade with _you_, eh?
_Muster Sp._ (_beaming_). Oh, nawthen" doin"--nawthen" doin" "t all!
_First Stockbr._ (_with equal cheerfulness_). Same _"ere_, sir--same "ere. On"y thing that"s got money has been th" dead meat.
_Muster Sp._ (_without appearing to envy the dead meat on this account_). Ah, that"s it. Ye cann"t reckon on moor nor thrippence,--an"
your own expenses, i" coorse.
_First Stockbr._ An" _thet_"s borderin" nigh on fowerpence; an" when it comes to two pound a bullock----!
[_They shake their heads with an unsuccessful attempt to look lugubrious at these cryptic considerations._
_Muster Sp._ Well, well; sheep food"s goin" to be plentiful, too, right up to Christmas.
_First Stockbr._ That"s the way to look on it.
[_They go off to dine at the ordinary, with a sense that matters might be worse._
[Ill.u.s.tration: Jones, who can"t sleep well in London during the hot weather, goes to have a quiet night in a village!
[_Portrait of_ one _of the village Cochins, &c._]
[Ill.u.s.tration: EDUCATION.--_Squire._ "Hobson, they tell me you"ve taken your boy away from the National School. What"s that for?" _Villager._ ""Cause the master ain"t fit to teach un!" _Squire._ "O, I"ve heard he"s a very good master." _Villager._ "Well, all I knows is, he wanted to teach my boy to spell "taters" with a "p"!!!]"
[Ill.u.s.tration: COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.--_Farmer"s Wife_ (_to little rustic, her protege_). "Well, Sam, your master and I are going up to London for the cattle show."
_Cow Boy._ "Oh, I"m sure I hope yeou"ll take the fust prize, "m--that I dew!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "IN THE LONG RUN."--_Town Gent._ "Now do you find keeping poultry answers?" _Country Gent_ (_lately retired_). "O, "es, s"posed to answer. Y" see there"s the original cost of the fowls--"f course the food goes down to me, y" know. Well, then, I purchase the eggs from the children, and they eat them!!!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "ONLY TWO FEET AT THE WINDOW"
(_Old song adapted_)
_Milkman_ (_aghast, anxiously_). "Hullo! Wot"s that?"
_Old Woman._ "Hish! Our lodger, just come. Open-air cure!"]
AGRICULTURAL.--The poorest farmer in the land, if unable to feed his calves, can always graze his shins.
AT THE CATTLE SHOW.--_Young Farmer._ "Are you fond of beasts, Miss Gusherton?"
_Miss Gusherton._ "Oh, really, Mr. Pawker, if you mean that as a declaration, you must speak to mamma!"
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Rector._ "Why, doctor, where are you off to? I thought the meet was down at the cross roads."
_Doctor._ "Well, the fact is, I"ve got a patient up here that I must see, and the hounds are certain to come this way."
_Rector._ "I see. Killing two birds with one stone, eh?"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Short-sighted Old Gentleman._ "Excuse me, but I think you"ve dropped one of your parcels!"]