[Ill.u.s.tration: "OPPOSITION."--_First Town Councillor (who had recently been to Venice)._ "Now that we"ve a people"s park, and a lake in it, I should suggest that half a dozen gondolas might be purchased, as they"d give quite a----" _Second Ditto (untravelled)._ "Oh, I don"t see the good of havin" any more o" them foreign birds! We"ve plenty of ducks an"
geese already! "t any rate a pair would be enough to breed from. As to "alf a dozen, I consider it"d be a waste o" public money, an" I"ll oppose it tooth and----" [_They don"t part friends._]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _The Squire._ "I don"t seem to know your face, my man. Do you live about here?"
_Old Rustic._ "Yes, sir. But, yer see, I ain"t often at the public-"ouse!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _First Doubtful Character._ "This yer"s all "umbug about a thief not bein" able to look a honest man in the heye."
_Second Doubtful Character._ "Well, if "e can"t, "e can _punch_ "im in the heye!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: LITTLE AND GOOD
_Gentleman._ "Who do these pigs belong to, boy?"
_"Chaw."_ "Why, this "ere owd zow."
_Gentleman._ "Yes, yes; but I mean who"s their master?"
_"Chaw."_ "Why, that there little "un; he"s a varmun to foight!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: TRUE POLITENESS
(_Another incident at a Tenants" Ball_)
_Daughter of the house (dishevelled and torn after one turn round the room with clumsy partner)._ "Do you mind very much, Mr. Quickstep, if we sit out the rest of it?"
_Mr. Quickstep._ "Jest as you like, miss. I"m only a-dancin" for your pleasure!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Miss Marjorie._ "And how is your son James getting on, Mr. Giles?"
_Giles_ (_whose son has gone to London "in service"_). "Well, to tell ye the truth, Miss Marji, Oi"m very troubled about "im. Oi "ad a letter last week, an" "e says that "e"s livin" in a buildin" with "undreds of people in it, an" it"s three or fowr "ouses one on top o" t"other. "E says there"s a railway carriage without an ingin" that goes up the middle o" th" buildin", an" the lights is all in bottles, an" you turns "em on with a tap without usin" a loocifer, an"----"
_Miss Marjorie._ "But why are you troubled about James?"
_Giles._ "Aye, Oi fear "e must "a took to drink, miss!"]
SYMPATHY.--_Giles_ (_ruefully_). "Villiam, I"ve been an" gone an"
"listed!"
_William._ "Lor"! "ave yer, though? Got the shillin"?"
_Giles._ "Yes."
_William._ "Well, then, let"s go an" "ave a gla.s.s at the "Barley-Mow."
Don"t let"s be down"earted!"
[Ill.u.s.tration: QUITE A DIFFERENT THING.--_Vicar"s Wife._ "Well, Mrs.
Bloggs, I"m glad to hear your husband has given up drinking. I hope he"s all the better for it?" _Mrs. Bloggs._ "Oh, yes, "m, that he be. Why, ever since "e took the pledge, he"s been more like a friend than a husband!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: SCENE.--_A Country Drawing-Room._
_Visitor_ (_to old lady and daughters, one of whose hobbies is the keeping of a small herd of Jerseys_). "By the way, I didn"t see you at our local agricultural show."
_Daughter._ "Oh, no! We never go unless we exhibit ourselves."]
[Ill.u.s.tration: A SLIGHT MISTAKE.--_Farmer._ "Where "ave ye been all this time? And where"s the old mare--didn"t ye have her shod as I told ye?"
_Jarge._ "Shod! Law, no, marster. I bin a buryin" she! Didn"t I think thee said "_shot_"!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE SIMPLE LIFE"
_Mr. and Mrs. Fitzpudgit"s Experiences of a Week-end Country Cottage._
_Mr. Fitzpudgit._ "What"s the matter with the eggs, Matilda? I"ve tried them with a fork two or three times, and they"re not soft yet!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE SIMPLE LIFE."
_Mr. Fitzpudgit._ "Now don"t faint again, my dear. I"ll soon have this old rabbit in bits, now!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE SIMPLE LIFE"
_Charwoman._ "If yer please, sir, th" landlord says as "ow "e can"t do nothin", "cos the thatcher"s busy with the ricks."]