[Ill.u.s.tration: _Stranger._ "You must find it very lonely on these hills."
_Shepherd._ "Lonely? No, I don"t. Why, there was a man an a "oss pa.s.sed yesterday, an" there"s you to-day."]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Agricultural Parishioner_ (_wishing to ingratiate himself with the new curate, who had given a lecture on the previous evening_). "Thank ye, sir, for your reading to us last night." _New Curate._ "Glad you liked it, John. I was a little afraid lest the lecture might have been just a _little_ too scientific." _Agricultural Parishioner._ "No, bless you, sir, not a bit of it. Why, we in these parts be just like young ducks. _We do gobble up anything!_"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE _FARE_."--_The Rector"s Wife_ (_at school feast, to one of the boys, who had been doing very "good business"_). "What"s the matter, Noggins? Don"t you feel well?"
_Noggins._ "No, m"m,--but--I"ll hev--to be wuss, m"m--afore I give in!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE SUBSt.i.tUTE.--_The Rector"s Wife._ "Oh, Mrs. Noggins, I should really try to break your parrot of his habit of swearing in that awful way!" _The Widow Noggins._ "Well "m, I finds it such a comfort to "ear "im. Makes it seem more like as if there was a man about the "ouse again."]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Village Dame_ (_to eminent landscape-painter_). "Law, sir, I do often wonder how you can "ave the patience to bide here day arter day, drarin" an" drarin"! But, there, one thing, you "aves plenty o" company!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: HORTICULTURAL CUTTINGS
(_Culled and Fetched from a Considerable Distance by Dumb Crambo Junior_)
Coaly-us.
Sinner-area.
Pet-you-near.
Ah,-but-ill-us!
Peeler-go!-nyum!
Haughty culture.
Gee-rainy-(um!).
Ran-uncle-us.
Prim-you-la!
A-rum lily.]
BOON COMPANIONS!--_Bargee_ (_to Rustic_). "What! Ge-arge!" (_Rustic grins in response._)
_Bargee._ "I"m allus main glad to see thee, Ge-arge."
_Rustic._ "Whoy?"
_Bargee._ ""Cause I know there must be a public-"ouse close by!"
[Ill.u.s.tration: "LAUDATOR TEMPORIS ACT I"
_Mrs. Ghoul._ "Ah, funerals isn"t what they used to be in my time! I recollect when we "ad "am sangwishes and sherry wine; but now it"s as much as you can git a bit o" cake and a cup o" tea. Ah!"]
CONTENTMENT.--_Giles._ "A happy New Year to you, marm, and I hope you"ll be as lucky this year as I was last."
_Lady._ "Oh, thank you very much, Giles; but you surely forget that you lost your wife in the spring and broke your leg in the summer."
_Giles._ "Yes, but t"other leg"s all right, and as for paw Soosan, it might have been I to be took instead."
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Vicar_ (_who has introduced "Gregorian" tones into his service_). "Well, Mr. Rogers, how did you like our music? Tradition says, you know, that those psalm tunes are the original ones composed by King David." _Flippant Parishioner._ "Really? Then I no longer wonder why Saul threw his javelin at him!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _The Vicar._ "I"m surprised at _you_, Miggs. Why, look at _me_. I can go into the town without coming back intoxicated." _Miggs._ "Yesh, zur, but _Oi_ be so popular!" (_Hic._)]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Vicar"s Daughter._ "Oh, Mr. Gufling, I"ve called this morning to tell you that for the parish charities we open our most interesting show of local antiquities and curiosities, and may I hope that _you_ will kindly give it your countenance?"]
POETRY OF NATURE.--When mist falls upon the earth, and freezes, it forms rime.
_Customer._ "You told me that "oss "ad won a dozen matches agin some o"
th" best "osses in the county. Why "e can"t trot a mile in ten minutes to save "is life."
_Dealer._ "I didn"t say "e could. You never asked me what sort o"
matches. It was in ploughin" matches "e took the prizes!"
[Ill.u.s.tration]