RECIPROCITY.--_Parson._ "I have missed you from your pew of late, Mr.
Stubbings----"
_Farmer_ (_apologetically_). "Well, sir, I hev" been to meet"n" lately, but--y" see, sir, the Reverend Mr. Scowles o" the chapel, he bought some pigs o" me, and I thought I ought to gi" "m a tarn!"
THE FARMER FOR THE FAIR.--A husbandman.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Doctor._ "Well, Mrs. Muggeridge, how are you getting on?
Taken the medicine, eh?" _Mrs. M._ "Yes, doctor. I"ve taken all the tabloids you sent, and now I want a new persecution."]
ON A FOOTING.--Almost every considerable town has a market for corn; therefore, it is but fit that Bedford Market-place should have its Bunyan.
PLACE OF RESIDENCE FOR LODGERS.--Border-land.
SOUNDINGS!--(_The living down at our village falling vacant,_ Lord Pavondale _left it to the parish to choose the new rector._)
_Influential Parishioner._ "Then am I to understand, Mr. Maniple, that you object to bury a Dissenter?"
_The Rev. Mr. Maniple_ (_one of the compet.i.tors_). "Oh, dear me, no, Mr.
Jinks; quite the contrary!"
A HIGH CHURCH PARTY.--A steeple-jack.
A CLERICAL ERROR.--A long sermon.
_Visitor._ "My good man, you keep your pigs much too near the house."
_Cottager._ "That"s just what the doctor said, mum. But I don"t see how it"s agoin" to hurt "em!"
[Ill.u.s.tration: A QUIET VILLAGE]
A WET DIARY
_January._--Buy a house in the Midland Counties. Put a housekeeper in it to look after it.
_February._--Housekeeper writes to say that, owing to the floods, the neighbourhood is very damp and unhealthy.
_March._--Housekeeper writes to say that the garden is under water.
_April._--Housekeeper writes to say that there is two foot of water in the drawing-room, and that the furniture is floating about.
_May._--Housekeeper writes to say that eighty feet of the garden wall has been washed away.
_June._--Housekeeper writes to say that the two horses, one cow, and four pigs are drowned.
_July._--Go and stop in the house myself.
_August._--Escape from the bedroom windows in a boat.
_September._--In bed with rheumatic fever.
_October._--Housekeeper writes to say that the floods are out worse than ever.
_November._--Somebody writes to say that the housekeeper has been drowned.
_December._--Will try and sell house in the Midland Counties.
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Our Curate (who is going to describe to us his little holiday in lovely Lucerne)._ "My dear friends--I will not call you "ladies and gentlemen," since I know you too well----"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _First Tramp._ "Says in this "ere paper as "ow some of them millionaires works eight and ten hours a day, Bill."
_The Philosopher._ "Ah, it"s a "ard world for some poor blokes!"]
A REAL CONVERT.--_Local Preacher (giving an account to the vicar of the parish of a dispute he has had with the leading lights of his sect)._ "Yes, sir, after treatment the likes o" that, I says to "em, "For the future," says I, "I chucks up all religion, and I goes to Church!""
HABITS OF HEALTHY EXERCISE.--If a young lady is unable to sport a riding habit, she should adopt a walking habit.
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE HUMOURS OF HOUSE HUNTING.--_Lady._ "Very healthy place, is it? Have you any idea what the death-rate is here?"
_Caretaker._ "Well, mum, I can"t "xactly zay; but it"s about one apiece all round."]