THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.--When the roses sweetly breathe a dew.
[Ill.u.s.tration: FORBEARANCE.--_Young Lady._ "John, how long shall you be, as I want to practise?"
_Gallant Young Gardener._ "Oh, goo yeouw on, Miss Amy--goo yeouw on! I sha"n"t mind yar noise!"]
THE FARMING OF THE FUTURE;
_Or, What British Agriculture is coming to._
SCENE.--_A Car on an Electric Light-railway._
TIME--_The Twentieth Century._
_First Farmer_ (_recognising Second Farmer_). Why, "tis Muster Fretwail, surelie! didn"t see it was you afore. And how be things gettin" along with _you_, sir, eh?
_Farmer Fretwail_ (_lugubriously_). "Mong the middlin"s, Muster Lackaday; "mong the middlin"s! Nothen doin" just now--nothen "t all!
_Third Farmer_ (_enviously_). Well, _you_ hevn"t no call fur to cry out, neighbour! I see you"ve got a likely lot o" noo "oardins comin" up all along your part o" the line. I wish mine wur arf as furrard, I know thet!
_F. Fretwail._ Ah, them "Keep yer "air on" "s, _you_ mean, Ryemouth. I don"t deny as they was lookin" tidy enough a week back. But just as I was makin" ready fur to paint up "Try it on a Billiard Ball," blamed if this yere frost didn"t set in, and now theer"s everything at a standstill wi" the brushes froze "ard in the pots!
_F. Ryemouth._ "Tis the same down with me. Theer "s a acre o" "Bunyan"s Easy Boots" as must hev a noo coat, and I cann"t get nothen done to "en till th" weather"s a bit more hopen like. Don" keer _"ow_ soon we hev a change, myself, I don"t!
_F. Lackaday._ Nor yet me, so long as we don"t "ave no gales with it.
Theer was my height-acre pasture as I planted only las" Candlemas wi"
"Roopy"s Lung Tonics"--wunnerful fine and tall they was too--and ivery one on "en blowed down the next week!
_F. Fretwail._ Well, I "ope theer wun"t be no rain, neither, come to that. I know I "ad all the P"s of my "Piffler"s Persuasive Pillules"
fresh gold-leaved at Michaelmas, and it come on wet directly arter I done it, and reg"lar washed the gilt out o" sight an" knowledge, it did.
Theer ain"t no standin" up agen rain!
_F. Ryemouth._ I dunno as I wouldn"t as lief hev rain as sun. My "Hanti-Freckle Salves" all blistered up and peeled afoor the summer was "ardly begun a"most.
_F. Lackaday._ "Tis a turr"ble "ard climate to make "ead against, is ourn. I"ve "eard tell as some farmers are takin" to they enamelled hiron affairs, same as they used to hev when I wur a lad. I mind theer wur a crop o" "Read Comic Cagmag" as lingered on years arter the paper itself.
Not as I hold with enamelling, myself--"tain"t what I call "igh farmin"--takes too much outer the land in _my_ "pinion.
_F. Fretwail._ Aye, aye. "Rotation o" boards." Say, "Spooner"s Sulphur Syrup" fur a spring crop, follered with some kind o" soap or candles, and p"raps cough lozengers, or hembrocation, or bakin" powder, if the soil will bear it, arterwards--that"s the system _I_ wur reared on, and theer ain"t no better, "pend upon it!
_F. Ryemouth._ I tell "ee what "tis; it"s time we "ad some protection agen these yere furrin advertis.e.m.e.nts. I was travellin" along the Great Northern tother day, and I see theer was two or three o" them French boards nigh in ivery field, a downright shame an" disgrace I call it, disfigurin" the look o" the country and makin" it that ontidy--let alone drivin" honest British boards off the land. Government ought to put a stop to it; that"s what _I_ say!
_F. Lackaday._ They Parliment chaps don"t keer _what_ becomes of us poor farmers, they don"t. Look at last General Election time. They might ha"
given our boards a turn; but not they. Most o" they candidates did all their "tisin" with rubbishy flags and balloons--made in j.a.pan, sir, every blamed one o" them! And they wonder British agriculture don"t prosper more!
_F. Ryemouth._ Speakin" o" queer ways o" hadvertisin", hev any on ye set eyes on that farm o" young FULLACRANK"S? Danged if iver _I_ see sech tom-fool notions as he"s took up with in all _my_ born days!
_F. Fretwail._ Why, what hev he bin up to _now_, eh?
_F. Ryemouth._ Well, I thought I shud ha" bust myself larfin" when I see it fust. Theer ain"t not a board nor a sky sign; no, nor yet a "oarding, on the "ole of his land!
_F. Lackaday._ Then how do he expect to get a profit out of it?--that"s what _I_ want to year.
_F. Ryemouth._ You" ll "ardly credit it, neighbours but he"s been buryin" some o" they furrin grains, hoats and barley, an" I dunno what not, in little "oles about his fields, so as to make the words, "Use Faddler"s Non-farinaceous Food"--and the best on it is the darned young fool expecks as "ow it"ll all sprout come next Aperl--he do indeed, friends!
_F. Fretwail._ Flyin" in the face of Providence, I calls it. He must ha"
gone clean out of his senses!
_F. Lackaday._ Stark starin" mad. I never heerd tell o" such extravagance. Why, as likely as not, "twill all die off o" the land afore the year"s out--and wheer wull he be _then_?
_F. Ryemouth._ Azackly what I said to "en myself. "You tek my word for it," I sez, ""twun"t niver come to no good. The nateral crop for these yere British Hisles," I told "en, "is good honest Henglish hoak an"
canvas," I sez, "and "tain"t the action of no sensible man, nor yet no Christian," sez I, "to go a drillin" "oles and a-droppin" in houtlandish seeds from Canada an" Roosha, which the sile wasn"t never intended to bear!"
_Farmers Fretwail and Lackaday._ Rightly spoke, neighbour Ryemouth, "twas a true word! But theer"ll be a jegement on sech new-fangled doin"s, and, what"s moor, you and I will live fur to see it afore we"re very much older!
[_They all shake their heads solemnly as scene closes in._
[Ill.u.s.tration]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _The New Curate._ "Superb day, isn"t it?" _Giles._ "Ay?"
_Curate._ "Superb day." _Giles._ "Ay?" _Curate._ "Er--a--_superb--day!_"
_Giles._ "Whoa, Dobbin!" (_Pulls up_). "Ay?" _Curate._ "I only remarked--er--it was a _superb day_." _Giles._ "D----! Gw"on, Dobbin!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration:
_Serious Old Party._ "Eh, but this is a wicked world!"
_Flippant Individual._ "You are right, Mrs. Mumble. For my part, I shall be quite satisfied if I get out of it alive!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: OBLIGING.--_Lady_ (_to village jobber, who for days has been "working" in the house_). "Can you tell me when you are likely to have _finished_ this job?" _Village Jobber._ "If _you_ can tell me, mum, wheer I"m likely to get another."]
[Ill.u.s.tration: USEFUL INFORMATION.--_Jones_ (_who has forsworn town life for a more healthful existence, to hired compendium of agricultural knowledge at 14s. 6d. a week, with cottage and "tater patch_). "Do you know anything about bees, Isaac?" _Isaac._ "Yes, they stings!"]