_Cousin Madge._ "Well, good-bye, Charlie. So many thanks for taking care of us!"
_Charlie._ "_Not at all!_"]
VOCES POPULI
II.
ON THE PLATFORM
_A Lady of Family._ Oh, yes, I do travel third-cla.s.s sometimes, my dear.
I consider it a duty to try to know something of the lower orders.
[_Looks out for an empty third-cla.s.s compartment._
EN ROUTE
_The seats are now all occupied: the Lady of Family is in one corner, next to a Chatty Woman with a basket, and opposite to an Eccentric-looking Man with a flighty manner._
_The Eccentric Man (to the Lady of Family)._ Sorry to disturb you, mum, but you"re a-setting on one o" my "am sandwiches.
_The L. of F._???!!!
_The E. M. (considerately)._ Don"t trouble yourself, mum, it"s of no intrinsic value. I on"y put it there to keep my seat.
_The Chatty W. (to the L. of F.)._ I think I"ve seen you about Shinglebeach, "ave I not?
_The L. of F._ It is very possible. I have been staying with some friends in the neighbourhood.
_The C. W._ It"s a nice cheerful place is Shinglebeach; but (_confidentially_) don"t you think it"s a very sing"ler thing that in a place like that--a fash"nable place, too--there shouldn"t be a single "am an" beef shop?
_The L. of F. (making a desperate effort to throw herself into the question)._ What a very extraordinary thing, to be sure! Dear, _dear_ me! No ham and beef shop!
_The C. W._ It"s so indeed, mum; and what"s more, as I dare say you"ve noticed for yourself, if you "appen to want a snack o" fried fish ever so, there isn"t a place you could go to--leastways, at a moment"s notice. Now, "ow do you explain such a thing as that?
_The L. of F. (faintly)._ I"m afraid I can"t suggest any explanation.
_A Sententious Man._ Fried fish is very sustaining.
[_Relapses into silence for the remainder of journey._
_The Eccentric Man._ Talking of sustaining, I remember, when we was kids, my father ud bring us home two pennorth o" ches"nuts, and we "ad "em boiled, and they"d last us days. (_Sentimentally._) He was a kind man, my father (_to the L. of F., who bows constrainedly_), though you wouldn"t ha" thought it, to look at him. I don"t say, mind yer, that he wasn"t fond of his bit o" booze--(_the L. of F. looks out of window_)--like the best of us. I"m goin" up to prove his will now, I am--if you don"t believe me, "ere"s the probate. (_Hands that doc.u.ment round for inspection._) That"s all reg"lar enough, I "ope. (_To the L.
of F._) Don"t give it back before you"ve done with it--I"m in no "urry, and there"s good reading in it. (_Points out certain favourite pa.s.sages with a very dirty forefinger._) Begin there--_that"s_ my name.
[_The L. of F. peruses the will with as great a show of interest as she can bring herself to a.s.sume._
_The Eccentric Man._ D"ye see that big "andsome building over there?
That"s the County Lunatic Asylum--where my poor wife is shut up. I went to see her last week, I did. (_Relates his visit in detail to the L. of F., who listens unwillingly._) It"s wonderful how many of our family have been in that asylum from first to last. I "ad a aunt who died cracky; and my old mother, she"s very peculiar at times. There"s days when I feel as if I was a little orf my own "ed, so if I say anything at all out of the way, you"ll know what it is.
[_L. of F. changes carriages at the next station. In the second carriage are two Men of seafaring appearance, and a young Man who is parting from his Fiancee as the L. of F. takes her seat._
_The Fiance._ Excuse me one moment, ma"am.
(_Leans across the L. of F. and out of the window._)
Well, goodbye, my girl; take care of yourself.
_The Fiancee (with a hysterical giggle)._ Oh, I"ll take care o" _my_ self.
[_Looks at the roof of the carriage._
_He (with meaning)._ No more pickled onions, eh?
_She._ What a one you are to remember things! (_After a pause._) Give my love to Joe.
_He._ All right. Well, Jenny, just one, for the last (_they embrace loudly, after which the F. resumes his seat with an expression of mingled sentiment and complacency_). Oh, (_to L. of F._) if you don"t mind my stepping across you again, mum. Jenny, if you see d.i.c.k between this and Friday, just tell him as----
[_Prolonged whispers; sounds of renewed kisses;_
_Final parting as train starts with a jerk which throws the Fiance upon the L. of F."s lap. After the train is started a gleam of peculiar significance is observable in the eyes of one of the Seafaring Men, who is reclining in an easy att.i.tude on the seat. His companion responds with a grin of intelligence, and produces a large black bottle from the rack. They drink, and hand the bottle to the Fiance._
_The F._ Thankee I don"t mind if I do. Here"s wishing you----
[_Remainder of sentiment drowned in sound of glug-glug-glug; is about to hand back bottle when the first Seafarer intimates that he is to pa.s.s it on. The L. of F. recoils in horror._
_Both Seafarers (rea.s.suringly)._ It"s _wine_, mum!
[_Tableau. The Lady of Family realises that the study of third-cla.s.s humanity has its drawbacks._
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Our Artist (who has strolled into a London terminus)._ "What"s the matter with all these people? Is there a panic?"
_Porter._ "Panic! No, this ain"t no panic. These is excursionists. Their train leaves in two hours, so they want to get a seat!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: THE BRANCH STATION
_Miss Tremmles (who is nervous about railways generally, and especially since the late outrages)._ "Oh, porter, put me into a carriage where there are ladies, or respectable people, or----"
_Porter._ "Oh, you"re all safe this mornin", miss; you"re th" only pa.s.senger in the whol" tr"ine, except another old woman."]
[Ill.u.s.tration: A COOL CARD