[Ill.u.s.tration: RISKS
_Shrewd Clerk (with an eye to his percentage)._ "Take an accident insurance ticket, sir?"
_Pa.s.senger (nervously)._ "Wha" for?!"
_Clerk._ "Well, sir, nothing has gone wrong "twixt this and London for the last fourteen months; and, by the haverages, the next smash on the hup line is hoverdue exactly six weeks and three days!!"
[_Old Gent forks out with alacrity._]
TO MY "PUFF PUFF"
Puff me away from the noise and the worry; Puff me away from the desolate town; Puff me--but don"t be in too great a hurry; Puff me, but don"t in a tunnel break down.
Puff me away to my loved Isle of Thanet Swiftly--or e"en at the pace called the snail"s, Puff me the sea-breeze, and pleasantly fan it Into my nostrils--but don"t leave the rails.
Puff me away, far from Parliament"s houses; For brown moors of Scotland my soul is athirst-- For a smell of the heather, a pop at the grouses; Puff me, but mind that your boiler don"t burst.
Puff me _en route_ for care-killing Killarney, Tenderly take me, as bridegroom his bride; Bear me towards Erin, blest birthplace of Blarney, Puff, puff, like blazes--but, _please_, don"t "collide!"
[Ill.u.s.tration: DIGNITY AND IMPUDENCE
_Customer_ (Time--_Sat.u.r.day afternoon_). "I don"t want all coppers in change for that shilling. Haven"t you got any silver?"
_Newsboy._ "All right, sir. Want a little Sunday money, I s"pose, sir?"]
TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER
At first I loved thee--thou wast warm,-- The porter called thee ""ot," nay, "bilin"."
I tipped him as thy welcome form He carried, with a grateful smile, in.
Alas! thou art a faithless friend, Thy warmth was but dissimulation; Thy tepid glow is at an end, And I am nowhere near my station!
I shiver, cold in feet and hands, It is a legal form of slaughter, They don"t warm (!) trains in other lands With half a pint of tepid water.
I spurn thy coldness with a kick, And pile on rugs as my protectors, I"d send--to warm them--to Old Nick, Thy parsimonious directors!
DIFFERENT WAYS OF TRAVELLING.--Man travels to expand his ideas; but woman--judging from the number of boxes she invariably takes with her--travels only with the object of expanding her dresses.
"THE BEST OF MOTIVES."--Locomotives.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "A LIBERAL MEASURE"
_Rude Boy (to stout party on weighing-machine, which is out of order, and won"t work)._ "Shove in another penny, guv"nor. It"s double fare to chaps o" your size!"]
FOXHUNTER"S DEFINITION OF A MAIL-TRAIN.--A Post and Rails.
AS A RULE.--"Signal Failures"--Railway accidents.
THREE RAILWAY GAUGES.--Trains are made for the Broad Gauge, the Narrow Gauge, and the Lug-gage.
[Ill.u.s.tration: ZOOLOGY
_Railway Porter (to old lady travelling with a menagerie of pets)._ ""Station-master say, mum, as cats is "dogs," and rabbits is "dogs," and so"s parrots; but this ere "tortis" is a insect, so there ain"t no charge for it!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: LOGIC
_Stout Party._ "What! no room! Ain"t that man just got out? If people can get out, people can get in!"]
THE QUICKEST OF ALL EXPRESS TRAINS.--The train of thought.
STARTLING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.--A punctual train.
KEEP YOUR TEMPER.--Avoid entering into an argument with a deaf man in a railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to high words.
"DON"T TOUCH ME, OR I"LL SCREAM!" as the engine whistle said to the stoker.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "A MAN AND A Pa.s.sENGER!"