_The S. (solemnly)._ Lord _love_ yer! (_Pausing at door._) I "ope you don"t think me the man to fall out with n.o.body. I _never_ fall out----
[_Falls out into the arms of a porter, whom he pummels as the train moves on, and First Pa.s.senger settles into a corner with a sigh of relief._
[Ill.u.s.tration: NOT QUITE UP TO DATE
_Somerset Rustic (on seeing the signal drop)._ "Ar don"t know if it"d make any difference, maister, but thic ther" bit o" board of yourn "ave a fallen down!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: NOTES OF TRAVEL
_Foreign Husband (whose wife is going to remain longer)._ "Gif me two d.i.c.kets. Von for me to come back, and von for my vife not to come back!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: IN THE UNDERGROUND
_Lady (who has just entered carriage, to friend)._ "Fancy finding you in the train! Why couldn"t I have met you yesterday, now? I had such a wretched journey! But one never _does_ meet people when one wants to!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: LA BELLE DAME SANS "MERCI"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: "TOUT VIENT a QUI SAIT ATTENDRE"
Shouting heard--engine whistles frantically--brakes applied violently--train stops--accident, no doubt--alarm of first-cla.s.s pa.s.sengers--stout gent flies at communicator--child shrieks--terrified lady calls out, "Help! guard! What is it? Let us out!"
_Guard._ "Oh, no fear, miss. On"y driver he just see a lot o" fine mushyroons, miss, and we----he like "em for breakfast. All right! Away y" go!!"]
[Ill.u.s.tration: A STATION ON THE NORTH STAFFORDSHIRE LINE
_Traveller._ "Now then, boy, where"s the clerk who gives the ticket?"
_Boy (after finishing an air he was whistling)._ "I"m the clerk."
_Traveller._ "Well, sir! And what time does the train leave for London?"
_Boy._ "Oh, I don"t know. No time in pertickler. Sometimes one time--and sometimes another."]
[Ill.u.s.tration: TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
He determines to try the automatic photographing machine, the station being empty. To his dismay a crowd has gathered, and watches the operation.]
[Ill.u.s.tration: _Workman (politely, to old lady, who has accidentally got into a smoking compartment)._ "You don"t object to my pipe, I "ope, mum?"
_Old Lady._ "Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!"
_Workman._ "Oh! Then out you get!!"]
A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY LONG AFTER STERNE"S
_(A Romance for a "Ladies Only" Compartment)_
SCENE--_Reserved Carriage on the London and Utopian Railway. Female Traveller in possession. Enter, suddenly, a Male Traveller._
_Male Traveller._ A thousand apologies! I really nearly missed my train, so was obliged to take refuge in this carriage. Trust I don"t intrude.
_Fem. T. (after a pause)._ As you have no one to present you, I must ask "if you are any lady"s husband?"
_Male T. (with a sigh)._ Alas, no! I am a wretched bachelor!
_Fem. T. (drily)._ That is nothing out of the common. I have been given to understand that all bachelors are miserable.
_Male T._ No doubt your husband agrees with the opinion?
_Fem. T. (calmly)._ I have no experience. I am a spinster.
_Male T. (smiling)._ Indeed! And you selected a ladies" carriage?
_Fem. T. (quickly)._ Because there was no room anywhere else.
_Male T._ Well, well! At the next station I can get into a smoking compartment.
_Fem. T._ Surely there is no need to take so much trouble.
_Male T._ Why! don"t _you_ object to a cigar?
_Fem. T._ Not in the least. The fact is, I smoke myself!
[_Red fire and tobacco._
_Male T. (after a pause)._ I have it on my conscience to make a correction. I said just now that I was not somebody"s husband.
_Fem. T. (annoyed)._ Then you are married!
_Male T. (with intention)._ Well, not yet. But if you like you can receive me as somebody"s betrothed.