VII
FOILED
Ulysses S. G. Budlong was a man fertile in ideas and unflinching in their execution. Otherwise he would never have attained his present unquestioned supremacy, as the leading hay and feed merchant in Carthage.
"It"s as easy as falling off a log," he urged. "You women are always spatting about something. Now"s your chance to capitalize your spats."
"Men are such im-boo-hoo-ciles!" was Mrs. Budlong"s comment, as she began to weep. Her husband patted her with a timid awkwardness as if she were the nose of a strange horse. "There! there! we"ll fix this up fine. What did you quarrel with Mrs. Alsop about?"
"She told Sally Swezey and Sally Swezey told me--that I used my Carthage presents to send to relatives in other towns."
"She flattered you at that," said Mr. Budlong unconsolingly. "But don"t you dream of forgiving her till after Christmas."
Mrs. Budlong was having such a good cry, and enjoying the optical hath so heartily, that her grief became very precious to her. It suggested what a beautiful thing grief is to those who make a fine art of it.
She smiled wet-liddedly. "There is nothing in your idea, Ulie, but it has suggested a good one to me. I"ll announce that I can"t celebrate Christmas because of our great grief for Aunt Ida."
"Great grief!" Mr. Budlong echoed. "Why, you couldn"t have celebrated Aunt Ida"s finish more joyous without you"d serenaded her in Woodlawn with a bra.s.s band."
"Ulysses Budlong! you ought to be ashamed of yourself for saying such a thing!" But she suddenly heard, in fancy, the laugh that would go up if she sprung such an excuse. She gave in:
"We"ll have to quarrel with somebody then. But what excuse is there?"
"Women don"t need any real excuse. You simply telephone Sally Swezey that a certain person told you--and you won"t name any names--that she had been making fun of you and you"d be much obliged if she never spoke to you again for you"d certainly never speak to her again."
"But how do I know Sally Swezey has been making fun of me?"
"Oh, there ain"t any doubt but what everybody in town is doing that."
"Ulysses Budlong! how can you talk so!"
"If people without money couldn"t make fun of people with--what consolation would they have? Anyway, it"s not me but the other folks you"re supposed to quarrel with. You spend an hour at that telephone and you can get the whole town by the ears."
"But I can"t use the same excuse for everybody."
"You"ll think up plenty once you put your mind to it." And with that another excuse came in pat. Came in howling and flagrant.
Ulysses Junior burst into the room, as if he had forgotten the presence of the door. He was yelping like a coyote and from his tiny nose an astonishing amount of blood was spouting.
"What on earth is the matter!" the startled mother gasped. "Come here to me, you poor child---and be careful not to bleed on the new rug."
Ulysses" articulation was impeded with sobs and the oscillations of three semi-detached teeth, that waved in the breeze as he screamed: "Little Clarence Detwiller LICKED me! so he did! and I on"y p-pushed him off his sled into a puddle of ice wa-wa-water and he attackted me and kicked my f-f-Face-ace off."
Mr. and Mrs. Budlong were so elated with the same idea that they forgot to console their heart-broken offspring with more than Mr. Budlong"s curt, "First teeth anyway; saves you a trip to the dentist." He nodded to his wife.
"Just the excuse we were looking for."
"Sent direct from heaven," nodded Mrs. Budlong. "You call up Roscoe Detwiller this minute and tell him his son has criminal tendencies and ought to be in jail and will undoubtedly die on the gallows. Then he won"t speak to you to-morrow."
"You bet he won"t. He"ll just quietly do to me what his boy did to Ulie. No, my dear, you tell all that to Mrs. Detwiller yourself."
Mrs. Budlong tossed her head with fine contempt. "What cowards men are! always shielding themselves behind women"s skirts. Well, if you"re afraid, I"m not. I"ll give her the biggest talking to she ever had in her born days."
She rose with fort.i.tude and started to the telephone, sneered at it and glared at it. Her husband stood by her to support her in the hour of need. He watched her ask for the number, and snap ferociously at the central. Then she fell panicky again and held the transmitter to him appealingly. He waved her away scornfully.
She set her teeth hard and there was grimness in her eye and tone as she said: "Is this you, Mrs. Detwiller! ---- Oh, yes, thank you, I"m very well. I wanted to tell you-m ---- oh, yes, he"s well, too. But what I started to say was ---- Yes, so Ulie says! ------ Yes, right in the face ------ Oh, of course, ------ Naturally ------ Boys will be ------ ------ Oh, I"m sorry you punished him. He"s such a sweet child ------ ------ Oh, don"t think of it. I"m sure it was all Ulie"s fault.
It will teach him better next time. He"s so rough! ------ ------ Oh, really, how awfully sweet of you. Good night, dear."
She stuck the receiver on the hook and looked for a hook to hang herself on. Her eyes were shifty with shame as she mumbled:
"I couldn"t get a word in edgeways. She apologized."
"She apologized!" Mr. Budlong roared. "Why, you ate out of her hand.
And you were going to show me what a coward I-- b.u.t.ter wouldn"t have melted--say, why didn"t you kiss her?"
Mrs. Budlong was suffering a greater dismay than remorse. "What d"you suppose that cat of a Clara Detwiller"s going to do?" she moaned.
"She"s going to make her boy send Ulie a nice Christmas present! And now we"ll have to buy one for Ulie to give to him!"
"Well, of all the--oh, you"re a great manager, you are! You call up a woman to get rid of giving one Christmas present, and now you"ve got to give two. Here! where you going?"
"I"m going to that phone and tell Mrs. Detwiller what I think of her."
"You keep away from that phone. Before you could ring off again her husband would have a Christmas present wished onto ME!"
VIII
FOILED AGAIN
The next morning Mrs. Budlong arose from dreams of finding bargains after all. She felt a spirit in her feet that led her, who knows how, to the Christmas-window street. But the crowds and the prices and the servility of the salesfolk drove her out again.
On her laggard way home she saw Sally Swezey, lean and lanky and somehow reminding her of a flamingo. Sally espied her from afar and stepped a little higher. Mrs. Budlong remembered her husband"s suggestion. She made a quick resolution to do or die. Her cheek was cold and white and her heart beat loud and fast, but she tried to set her double chin into a square jaw, and she pa.s.sed Sally Swezey as if Sally Swezey were a lamp-post by the curb--a common lamp-post by the curb, and nothing more.
She heard Sally"s gush of greeting stop short as if someone had turned a faucet in her throat; she heard a gulp; then she heard a strangled silence. Then she heard Sally call her name tentatively, tenderly, reproachfully. Then she heard no more. And she knew no more till her feet somehow carried her home. But she had hardly time to flop into a rocker and utter a prayer of grat.i.tude and pride for having been vouchsafed the courage to snub a Carthaginian before Br-r-rr!--the relentless telephone was on her trail. She knew just who it was and she braced herself to meet one of Sally"s sharp-tongued a.s.saults. But Sally said--in part:
"Oh, you poor darling dear, is that you? and how are you now? I was So alarmed for you. You looked So ill and worn and--aren"t the Christmas crowds awful this year? and nothing fit to buy and such prices! and--you must be just worn out. You really must spare yourself, for do you Know what you Did, dearest. You went right By me without Seeing me, or Answering me! Yes, you did! I was so startled that I didn"t have brains enough to run after you and a.s.sist you home. I"m so glad you got there alive and I Do hope you"re feeling better and I"m so aShamed of myself for letting you go all that way aLone in that pitiful conDition. Can you ever forGive me?"
When Mr. Budlong came home for luncheon, Mrs. Budlong told him the whole story. He glared at her with an I-give-you-up expression and growled:
"And when she said all that, what did you say?"
"I don"t know." Mrs. Budlong faltered. "All I know is that she"s coming over this afternoon with a lot of that wine jelly I gave her the receipt for."