But her knowledge of the world had gone, and she did not wish it back again. Each time that for a brief s.p.a.ce she thought logically and clearly, doubt and fear tortured her.
In the night fear used to come. Suddenly her rainbow-tinted dream disintegrated, fell into shreds and patches of cloud with wisps of coloured light that gyrated and faded; and then she lay staring at the blank wall of hard facts. This thing was monstrous--no valid hope of permanent happiness in it.
And she thought with dreadful clearness that she was either not young enough or not old enough for such a marriage. If she had been ten years older, it would not have mattered--it would be just a legalized companionship--an easier arrangement, but essentially the same thing as though she had adopted him as her son. But now it must be a _real_ marriage--or a most tragic failure. He had made her believe that the realm of pa.s.sion and love was not closed to her; that he would give her back what the years had taken from her; that she might drink at the fountain of his youth and so renew her own.
In the dark cold night when the dream vanished, fear ruled over her. The words of the marriage service--heard so lately--echoed in her ears.
Solemnization or sacrament--it is impious, blasphemous to enter G.o.d"s house and ask for a blessing on the bond, unless the marriage falls within the limits of nature"s laws. She remembered what the priest says about the causes for which matrimony was ordained; she remembered what the woman has to say about G.o.d"s holy ordinance; and best of all she remembered what the man, taught by the priest, says when he slips the ring on the woman"s finger.
"With my body I thee worship!"... Could it be possible? "Taught by the Priest"--yes, but the man should need no teaching. The words on his lips should be the light rippling murmur above the strong-flowing stream of his secret thoughts, and the stream must be fed by deep springs of perfectly normal love. Nothing less will satisfy, nothing less _can_ satisfy the hungry heart that is surrendering itself to his power.
Respect, esteem, steadfast affection--none of that will do. It must be love, or nothing.
Yet after each of these troubled nights the day brought back her dream.
Yates had promised to stand by her, and she faithfully kept the promise.
She gave homely, well-meant advice; occasionally administered a little dose of pain in what was intended for a sedative or stimulant; but was always ready with sympathy, even when she failed to supply consolation and encouragement. Apparently forgetting in the excitement of the hour that she herself was an old spinster, she spoke with extreme confidence of all the mysteries of the marriage state.
There was uneasiness about little secrets concerning Mrs. Thompson"s toilet; but Yates made light of them.
"Oh, nonsense," said Yates. "It isn"t as if you were like some of these meretrishis ladies with nothing genuine about "em. You"re all genuine--and not a grey hair on your head."
There was nothing very terrible in the secrets. The worst secret perhaps was the diminution in aspect, the shrinking of the coronet of hair, when the sustaining frame had been removed.
But Yates, the old spinster, speaking so wisely and confidently, said, "Don"t tell me, ma"am. If he"s fond of you, a little thing like that isn"t going to put him off.... Besides, you must fluff it out big--like I"m doing;" and Yates worked on with brush and comb. "Now look at yourself."
And Mrs. Thompson peered at her reflection in the gla.s.s. The frame lay on the dressing-table. Still she seemed to have a fine tawny mane of her own, fluffed wide from her brows, and falling in respectably big ma.s.ses.
"Show me, Yates, exactly how you get the effect."
And under the watchful tuition of Yates, Mrs. Thompson toiled at her lesson.
"Is that right?"
"Yes, that"s pretty near as well as I can work it out, myself.... Yes, that"ll do very nice.... You know, it"ll only be at first that you need take so much trouble."
"Yates, I shall be nervous and clumsy--I shall forget, and make a mess of it."
"Then take me with you," said Yates earnestly. "I can"t think why you don"t take me along with you."
"Oh, I couldn"t," said Mrs. Thompson. "I _couldn"t_ have anyone with me--least of all, anyone who"d known me before."
It had come to be the day before the day of days, and St. Saviour"s Court lay wrapped in drab-hued fog, so that from the windows of the house she could not see as far as the churchyard on one side or the street on the other; and all day long, behind the curtain of fog, the chilly autumn rain was falling.
Throughout the day she remained indoors, reviewing and arranging her trousseau, watching Yates pack the new trunks and bags, and learning how and where she was to find things when she and some strange hotel chambermaid hastily did the unpacking. Now, late at night, her bedroom was still in confusion--empty cardboard boxes littering the floor, dressing-gowns trailing across the backs of chairs, irrepressible silk skirts bulging from beneath trunk lids.
At last Yates finished the task, prepared her mistress for bed, and left her.
"Good-night, ma"am--and mind you sleep sound. Don"t get thinking about to-morrow, and wearing yourself out instead of taking your rest."
Unfortunately Mrs. Thompson was not able to follow this sensible advice.
A fire burned cheerfully in the grate, the room was warm and comfortable, and she wandered about aimlessly and musingly--picking up silver brushes and putting them down again, gently pressing the trunk tops, looking at the new initials that had been painted on the glazed leather.
Presently she was stooping over one of the smaller trunks, smoothing and patting the folded night-dress that she and Yates had so carefully selected at the famous London shop. Her lips parted in a smile as she looked at its infinitely delicate tucks and frills, and she let her fingers play with the lace and feel the extraordinary lightness and softness of its texture.
Then, yielding to a sudden impulse, she pulled out the garment, carried it to the bed, and, hastily stripping, tried it on.
To-night Yates had done no fluffing-out of her hair. It was tightly screwed against her head, in the metal curling-clips that were to give it a pretty wave when pulled over the frame to-morrow; but it had a bald aspect now, with its queer little rolled excrescences protruding above the scalp, and two mean pigtails hanging limply behind the ears, and hiding their ends in the lace of the night-dress collar.
The electric light was shining full into the cheval gla.s.s as she came and stood before it, with the smile of pleasure still on her lips. Then she saw herself in the gla.s.s, and began to tremble.
Through the diaphanous veil the strong light seemed to show her a grotesque and lamentable figure: heavy fullness instead of shapely slenderness, exaggerated curves, distorted outlines,--the pitiless ravages wrought by time.
With a sob of terror, she ran to the door, and again to the dressing-table, switching off the light, desperately seeking the kindly darkness. Her hands were shaking, she felt sick and faint, while she tore the nightgown from her shoulders and kicked it from her on the floor. Then she covered herself with a woollen dressing-gown and crept, sobbing, into bed.
The firelight flickered on the ceiling, but no heat was thrown by the yellow flames or the red coals; a deadly chill seemed to have issued from the polished surface of the big gla.s.s, striking at her heart, reaching and gripping her bones. She lay shivering and weeping.
Outside the windows the cruel autumn rain pattered on the stone flags, the cruel autumn wind sighed and moaned and echoed from the cold brick walls. The year was dying; the fertile joyous months were dead; soon the barren hopeless winter would be here. And she felt that her own life was dead; warmth, colour, beauty, had gone from it; only ugliness, disfigurement, decay, were left. And she wept for her wasted youth, her vanished grace, for all that makes the summer in a woman"s life.
But next day she woke in sunlight. White clouds raced across a blue sky; the air was warm and genial; and, as she walked up St. Saviour"s Court, leaning on the kind arm of Mr. Prentice, she was a girl again.
There were many people in the church, but their curious glances did not trouble her. Sunbeams streaming through painted gla.s.s made a rainbow radiance on the chancel steps; and here she stood by her lover"s side, feeling happy and at ease in the radiant heart of the glorious dream.
Sweet music, sacred words--and then the sound of his voice, the pressure of his fingers. Nothing could touch her now--she was safe in the dream, beyond the reach of ridicule, high above the range of pity.
Solemnization or sacrament--now at the last it did not matter which; for she had brought to the rites all that priests can demand: pure and unselfish thoughts, guileless faith, and innocent hope.
The loud swelling pipes of the organ rolled forth their harmonious thunders, filling the air with waves, making the book on the vestry table throb beneath her hand. She was half laughing, half crying, and a shaft of sunlight danced about her head.
"Happy is the bride that the sun shines on," said Mr. Prentice, very, very kindly. "G.o.d bless you, my dear."
Another day"s sun was shining on the bride. This was the third day of the wonderful, miraculously blissful honeymoon; and, with windows wide open and the sweet clean air blowing in upon them, the husband and wife lingered over their breakfast in the private sitting-room of the tremendous and magnificent Brighton hotel.
Presently Mr. Marsden got up, stretched himself; and, going to one of the windows, looked down at the sparkling brightness and pleasant gaiety of the King"s Road.
"Now, little woman, I"m going to smoke my cigar outside.... You can put on your hat, and join me whenever you please."
Mrs. Marsden followed him to the window, sat upon the arm of a large velvet chair, and leaned her face against his coat sleeve.
"Take care," he said, laughing, "or you"ll find yourself on the floor."
The chair had in fact shown signs of overturning, and Mrs. Marsden playfully pretended that she could not retain her position, and allowed herself to flop down upon her knees.
"Isn"t this my right place, d.i.c.k--kneeling on the ground at your feet?"
Then with a gesture that would have been infinitely graceful in quite a young girl, she took his hand and held it to her lips.
"You foolish Janey, get up," and he gave her cheek a friendly tap.